Problems with Itemizing?

Well.... I have found that I seem to be sensitive to certain kinds of rejection?

One example is that there was someone I started to warm up to in town, she even seemed to take a shine to me at first, but then... I think she started to feel like I was a bit of a user, and ever since then, she has seemed a fair bit cooler toward me whenever she and I cross paths, unless we actually happen to have business we can discuss.

In some ways, I guess what I feel in regards to that is... well, I guess in some ways, I am a bit of a charmer around some people because they seem to like me straight-off sometimes, to the point where they act like they want to be friends, then when I show I want something out of them or I press something a bit too far, they kinda act like they just tolerate my presence. And kiiinda out of respect, once I realize I'm getting that vibe, I just stay away from them and don't try to interact because I don't like the "I don't want you around" vibe.

I think in some ways, maybe I feel regret and guilt that i made them feel that way... but I also feel like they don't quite get me. In some ways, I also feel irritated when I feel like... sometimes, I tried to subtely warn people upfront that I'm not the best person to be around, I'm kinda leechy and I can be cranky and such, and they either sympathize in some fashion or tell me flat-out they couldn't imagine me being a bad person. Then sometimes... depending on which facet or shade of my nature/personality happens to poke through at the wrong time, they seem to change their opinion of me rather suddenly.

In other areas... I seem to form connections way too fast with other types of people. I can honestly say that some of my very best friends from the past who I felt the closest too were, for one thing, younger than me, but each one also admitted to having bad family problems, and they claimed I was the first person in some places who was nice to them, and they would even admit later on that they idolized me for a time. And since we got passionate together in the way that we could complain about our families and similar issues we had, we felt the bond happen almost instantly, as if we were soulmates, siblings of the mind, and particularly if we had a strong interest in the same hobbies and the same fandoms.

Unfortunately, most of those friendships ended up turning sour when we no longer connected through mutual complaining or co-rumination, or sometimes if one or both of us did ONE thing wrong that set off a raw nerve at a critical moment, it's almost like the friendship was killed forever and any attempts to continue interacting was like trying to inflate a tire that already had a huge, gaping hole in it.

But since these are the people I'd spent soooo much time pouring out my heart and soul to, and vice versa... when the friendship ended, it felt like emotional divorce. It's like... that person was MINE. We never did anything physical, but it was like mental/emotional/spiritual connect. Then, like a passionate fire that burned bright and hot for a few months... nothing was left but dead embers, which quickly became dull ashes.

Fawnette wrote:I think in some ways, maybe I feel regret and guilt that i made them feel that way... but I also feel like they don't quite get me. In some ways, I also feel irritated when I feel like... sometimes, I tried to subtely warn people upfront that I'm not the best person to be around, I'm kinda leechy and I can be cranky and such, and they either sympathize in some fashion or tell me flat-out they couldn't imagine me being a bad person. Then sometimes... depending on which facet or shade of my nature/personality happens to poke through at the wrong time, they seem to change their opinion of me rather suddenly.

This happens to me, too. And, likewise, I'm often frustrated that people don't just come out and say what they think. That lack of directness and transparency really bugs me. For me, it's almost the greatest sin not to say straight out what you think as plainly as possible. All these secrets and things left unsaid... they bother me tremendously. I would so much rather be abused in the vilest possible language then to have to endure someone's silent contempt or feigned interest. Or simply be ignored and passed over.

What also bothers me is when it seems like, for some reason or other, one or both parties are oblivious to what the other is really like.

It took one of my friends literally seven years or so to notice something I had done before around other friends. It could be I was just that good about not doing it around that person, especially since she never had the opportunity to really see how I interacted in other social circles. But I guess it floored me a little that she could know me for so long, and just not realize some stuff about the ickier side of my nature.

But for that matter, apparently I was oblivious to some things about her, too. I think part of it is because we used to RP together a lot, to the point where I'd vent some nasty emotions and mental thought processes within me by having my OC characters act absolutely horrendous. I even told her why I did that, that I had sucky social skills and in a way, I was using this process to vent and to see as an observer how characters around my bratty character would react in response to certain behaviors.

My friend did flat-out say a couple of times something like, "Well, this is just how the characters I'm writing for would react, not how *I* would react if someone did this around me." But I think I somehow mistook all of this to mean... well, since she was RPing with me, that somehow she would tolerate this behavior from me if I actually did it. Turns out, she reallllly didn't.

But I guess I also thought that by RPing together in that fashion, that it would somehow make her know me better than that. I don't think she really ever caught on that SOME of the attitudes and behaviors of my characters were things that I was really thinking and feeling sometimes... maybe some of it I was also capable of actually doing.

Fawnette wrote:What also bothers me is when it seems like, for some reason or other, one or both parties are oblivious to what the other is really like.

If you mean mindreading and making bad assumptions, then I agree.

You know... one thing that Mom and I have both acknowledged in recent years is that in many cases, when it comes to human nature... many people (including us, too) basically prefer to hide something difficult from the world rather than try to help the situation or deal with it head-on... maybe for any number of reasons.

It's easier. It leads to less embarrassment and/or social awkwardness. You get judged less. Or maybe you just don't know how else to deal with the situation, particularly if it's way outside your league, the system isn't much help at all, and you have enough of your own issues to deal with at the moment.

I do know that when I was younger, I think one of the reasons (even if this wasn't said directly to me) that my parents preferred to keep me out of the public eye, and told me not to talk to anybody, was because I did have a big mouth and I tended to blurt stuff out about private business to strangers... one time, I said one stupid thing the wrong way, just enough to get social services sniffing around once, even if they found nothing wrong at that time and left us wrong.

My parents have always been highly sensitive people, and while they have been kind in their own ways too (they definitely aren't bad people, don't get me wrong) I think their issues and their poor way of dealing with things sometimes kinda got in the way.

Like... their way of keeping everybody safe and everybody under control was to sometimes make you feel like they were a taaad like prison wardens? Behave THIS way in public, and you had to agree with all of their opinions, annnnd the rest of the time... just do whatever you want as long as you sit quietly in your room and don't make too much noise.

In some ways though, this was pretty hypocritical. Like, just don't talk to anyone in public and be nice in public, but everybody can ignore each other and even be rude and mean to one-another around the house.

The thing is, keeping me out of the public much apparently saved my parents much embarrassment, and gave them the comfort of knowing I wasn't spreading our personal business around, (maybe that was a good thing at the time? I don't know) But the thing is, they never really helped me understand WHY it is important to keep some things private/personal. If they gave an instruction, they simply expected it to be obeyed to the letter, no questions asked.

As a result, yes, I never didn't have the opportunity to spread our personal business around, but at the same time, I never learned what you really could or couldn't talk about in public, I never had any kind of practice, I never really learned the boundaries of personal space... particularly since my parents often felt it was okay to go through my stuff sometimes when I was a kid, or go into my room for any reason without showing much respect for my space or my stuff. (Sorry, people, but if you want to instill respect, sometimes you have to give it and show it by example, too...?)

This is also part of the reason why I wish more people had found ways to tactfully and gently come up to me and tell me when I was doing something wrong. I remember in my teen years, I rudely interrupted a pastor in front of the entire congregation to say something. These days, I CRINGE at the memory and I want to slap my younger self silly for doing that. Back then, well... that was one of the few rare times I was there without my parents, but absolutely nobody said anything to me, at all... even if I guess I couldn't expect anyone to come up and instruct me because maybe they felt that wasn't their place, but...

I think my pestering behavior got around a bit to my parents anyway, and they stopped allowing me to go to church... but the only reason that they gave me at the time was that it interfered with the schedule in other areas, like laundry or other things that needed to be done.

And therein lies one of the greatest problems in my family. So scared of direct confrontation and getting to the heart of the issue, you basically solve any and all issues by quietly removing someone from the situation where public embarrassment or disturbance is happening, but don't be direct or explain the reason why, no, just give a BS reason that doesn't make waves or upset anybody.

In many cases, I think the problem in this day and age is that everybody wants to be the diplomat and make nice with everybody, and nobody wants to do anything the harder or healthier way. As a result, nothing gets resolved and nobody learns anything and bad behavior/bad habits continue.

I guess the main thing that bothers me so much in the end is just... if it seems like anything you do or try to talk about, even if it interests you immensely, is "pestering" or "you shouldn't be bothering people with that", then what are you supposed to do? Just not bother even trying to interact with other human beings because you're too annoying or uninteresting to possibly be worth their time?

Of course, there is a time and a place for everything; in my own way, I'm STILL trying to work out when and how the best way to approach something is if I have a problem with somebody... to the point where sometimes it has felt like the only way to get a response out of someone is to pester them to the point where they finally blow, or blow up my myself and that makes the situation worse all around.

Frankly, I just dunno sometimes.

You know....

I was just thinking today about how something happened a few days ago that still makes me feel a tad anxious, upset, and wishing that the other person had treated me more nicely, even though I know full well that I did disrespect this person's space and I could have found better and more mature ways to communicate if I had a problem with this person.

The thing is... I also find myself thinking about the general hypocriticalness of humans, including myself. Like... even in my mom, I've found that she seems to have a personal moral code where she expects to be treated a certain way by other human beings, (part of this is largely understandable though, because doesn't everyone deserve respect, especially those who have been disrespected a lot?) but a the same time, it's like... maybe due to anxiety and raw, unhealed nerves, she expects to be treated delicately, but sometimes she's disrespectful and inconsiderate of how some things take time, or what other people's moods or preferences are. (Again, human nature though, I guess? I do the same thing at times.)

It's just... I had a discussion with one friend once about how, like, in the workplace or even in a place with a group of people where stuff is going on or things need to be done... I was kinda saying that if there is a misunderstanding, or if someone needs to be pushed a bit to stop being lazy or do a better job, that I kinda wish that people would treat the situation delicately and just talk to the person who is slacking off or not doing it quite right, because maybe that person is just sensitive or needs to be guided correctly. (Again... just thinking about my own sensitivity and entitlement issues, I guess?)

My friend answered this by basically saying that he prefers the abrupt approach, where if something needs to be done, well, be abrupt with that person and make sure it's getting done. Like, you don't have verbally abuse the person, but as he put it, "They don't need to enjoy the experience."

In some ways, I guess this is an area where I still struggle. Like... why shouldn't people enjoy the experience? Why does the world work in such a way that people seem to inevitably get their feelings hurt, get made uncomfortable, or even get made angry?

I guess in some ways, this is another area where my own brain is hypocritical and contradicts itself. But... in a way, I just feel like I wish that things could happen in such a way that if I'm doing something wrong or not doing enough, then I wish people would approach me in the way that a gentle Mom would approach a two-year-old, with understanding, love and sweetness.

At the same time though, if anybody else (especially people I don't like or who I feel indifferent toward) are scolded for their behavior or something they're not doing quite right, I get so irritated when I see signs of them not doing what they're told or giving attitude, because I feel like they ought to take the scolding and the criticism as an opportunity to change and "edit" anything that is wrong.

I guess this does mean I am the ultimate hypocrite. I want everybody to treat me with the delicacy one would treat a very small child, and I want everyone else to be treated in a different way, and I want those people to respond in an emotionless, computer-like fashion like, "Yes I was wrong there, I will correct that immediately and change for the future."

I guess one other quickie thing I was thinking about was the subject of tantrums, and/or meltdowns. :/ Like...

Maybe one reason I feel strongly about having the right to "act out" or do whatever I want or have whatever mood I want, is because in my family, they treated meltdowns like tantrums, and if you kept it up, you got punished. I'm sure my parents got treated the same way while they were growing up.

As a result, you learned to suppress, or you just felt on some level that you were denied the basic right to have emotions. (Especially since, in my grandmother's generation, they considered it a weakness to cry... to the point where she apologized for crying at her own husband's funeral.)

Maybe part of the reason why I 1: get mad at other people for getting mad or snippy with me, and then 2: I will get even brattier over my "right" to act out or get mad is because I was basically treated a lot like I was supposed to be a well-behaved robot with no feelings. Some of my moods and my depression or whatever were not easy for others to deal with, but I ultimately learned that for the most part, many people just expect you to be "well-behaved" and they will take nothing less.

So to this day, part of me rather brattily wants to stick up for my "right" and perhaps the "right" of others to go ahead and act bratty or act out, because I suffered through the extreme of being treated like you can't have moods or really say anything at all or make waves.

Because most of the time, people just don't want to deal with it, or if you get set off you have to worry about setting others off in some fashion.

In the end... humans suck, and I suck in similar ways.

I think it's interesting how you're working all this out by writing about it.

So I have been processing everything that has been... said overall in this thread. I've also been reading this article today, on the psychology and revenge and whatnot. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog ... eel-better

Honestly, when I really analyze my feelings and my expectations... I think maybe stuff can be narrowed down to the following:

Firstly, I learned at a very young age that in order to feel secure, safe, and like you can survive and that you have at least SOMEBODY who knows what they are doing and can take care of everything that needs to be done... that meant latching onto my caregivers and forgetting, being oblivious to, or just not caring if they did something wrong or if they had questionable behaviors themselves at times. Plus I still feel there are some areas where my ability to be truly observant never developed fully, and I didn't even start to become aware that my parents COULD do things wrong sometimes until I was barely legal-aged.

In the end, I think a lot of the way I feel may be related to trust issues. I grew up heavily sheltered, almost entirely in my daydreams, so I basically expected to grow up and be able to just go out there and have everybody welcome me and treat me like warm fuzzy family. I expected to meet my prince charming, who would make me feel safe and good always, and possibly give me whatever I wanted, and... I guess I expected to go out into the world and find Heaven on Earth, where maybe SOMEWHERE, there could be this huge utopia where everybody did everything exactly right and just flowed together in harmony, the perfect society, with God ruling at the core or whatever.

Instead, I had to find the world is a looot more complicated than that. People are complicated, not just one-dimensional cut-outs like Prince Charming from the classic Cinderella movie who just yawns once before dancing with his love-at-first-sight. THAT was his only flaw. He yawned once.

Maybe in some ways, that's why some people liked characters who were shown and barely developed back in that era... there was nothing there to get to know, no flaws, no baggage, no personal history, just a blank slate you could slip into like a shoe and imagine they could be whatever you want, like a cute little puppet except better. The sky's the limit when it comes to your own imagination fulfilling your dreams and desires.

Anyway, I have simply found that even when people genuinely care about me, they seem to violate my trust so easily when they hurt my feelings, make me upset, or fail to live up to my expectations. I've even been known to dismiss or ignore it when someone tells me that they like something I have zero interest in, because it's not relevant to me. I have my own nest of interests, and if people want to operate outside of that or don't want to be limited to my own nest, it's like... I want to narrow the field to find someone who is closer to fitting in my nest.

Only thing is that I end up more alone, because I'm the only one who can ideally fit in my own nest, unless I happen to find someone wishy-washy who happens to be lonely enough to idolize me for my niceness and some of my limited talents, and... that only lasts until the person gets sick of me and stops idolizing me.

I've also found that I have been guilty of an all-or-nothing mentality.

But on the topic of the revenge article I put at the top of this post... sometimes, I have nursed grudges and have had thoughts of revenge, though I've generally been too much of a coward to follow through. To me, most of the time, even just the mere THOUGHT that someone might snap at me a little bit is enough to scare me off and make me steer clear, soooo for the most part... even if I might sometimes say nasty things, and I've been known to explode at times over the years, most people really have nothing to fear from me. But...

I guess I have suffered from the butt-hurt thing. If that one person I idolized and I expected to read my mind and meet all my needs wasn't there at one critical moment when I felt vulnerable and wanted to be "rescued", even just from my own feeling sad, I may not be able to forgive that person for a long time.

If someone has stuff going on in their own life and can no longer anticipate and meet my needs or wants... I may not be able to let that go.

In some ways, maybe I am just an overly spoiled and protected, sheltered person who now expects everybody to be considerate of my feelings and anticipate my desires and needs. Still makes me sound like an overgrown baby, really, possibly with narcissistic tendencies. Though it also still indicates mental issues, too.

It could also be that I suffer from extreme boredom, and for the longest time, first my parents and then various "white knights" in my life have served as my protectors, my buffers, and my entertainment by showering me with attention and listening to me no matter what. And... I did read a different psychology article a few days ago that, if some individuals rely entirely on others for entertainment, it can feel devastating if that person becomes unavailable for any reason.

I think I may also have abandonment issues, which can happen, so I've heard, if parents are emotionally unavailable or gone a lot, annnd especially if they have their own issues that never really get resolved (including their own mental issues) and sometimes they just act like they'd prefer it if you would just read your books and play your games because they just don't want to deal with you or even the rest of the world....

Also...

I guess I was thinking a little more about a point that was made much earlier in this thread, about how everyone has an inner child and an inner adult, and that the inner child needs some sugar.

Honestly... this may sound really dumb, but I almost wonder if in some ways, the whole "give someone's inner child some sugar" concept can, unfortunately, be kinda ego-bruising to the one who needs to give it... particularly if that person feels that they have already had to witness other people getting treated sweetly far too much when they have not. :/

I mean... especially when you feel wronged, or feel that you have been treated unfairly--and even someone else's emotional reaction can feel unfair sometimes, when you know you're right or you can present a pretty good argument if the other people would just LISTEN TO REASON--then... it can almost feel like you'd rather put splinters under your nails than be nice to that other person or let them have their way...

Though I guess it also depends on the person and the situation, every situation and person is different.

Plus... I guess sometimes when you're angry yourself, and it seems like that person is getting their way or whatever the authority figure in the situation is is not getting after that person or making them behave fast enough... sometimes, you only begin to realize or accept after the fact that maybe that person acted that way because they are hurting, or maybe because they were never taught to be considerate of others, or... something.

I dunno.