Where is my mind?

I have felt really detached for days. It scares me because sometimes I feel like that's what it must be like right before you die. Halfway between life and death. And I don't want to be there.

It's like my senses are foreign and I'm floating behind trying to connect. It's all forced.

I'm tired.

This is so weird. I know it'll pass. Hopefully. Meanwhile I have to pretend like things are like they were a week ago when I felt normal.

I am determined not to feel this way anymore, and then it sneaks up on me and I can't fight it.

Sometimes I think it must be a brain disease. Slowly eating away at me, while I stand idly by.

Maybe tomorrow will be different.

I'm always hoping.

It sounds like may be experienceing dissociation. This is a sort of altered state of reality a lot of people experience who have mental illnesses. One type of dissociation called depersonalization can make you feel detached, like you're observing yourself, or sort of witnessing your life like a movie. Another called derealization can make things which are familiar seem forign, your senses can seem distorted, and so can the shapes of things and yourself.

Dissociation can be very scary but a lot of people experience it. Seeing a psychiatrist or therapist can help a lot. For me dissociation was hell...i felt like i wasn't me anymore and there was this other person trying to be me. I hated it and would do anything to stop it but couldn't. Things have changed now. I worked with a therapist for a bit, did a lot of reading, and take medication. It REALLY has helped a lot.

Some people experience dissociation as a response to a major stressor or traumatic event. How do you think you came to dissociate?

yeah. i can identify with a lot of what you described.

i don't know what could cause that kind of reaction. i haven't had a piece of cake life, but it was no horror show either. so i dunno what could make me feel this way.

i hope it's just that i'm tired.

weird thing was today i kept being afraid, convincing myself that i was going blind because what i was seeing in front of me wasn't registering properly. but i can see perfectly well...at least as well as always. it's just this distortion of perception. that part of your post about the shapes of things being different made a lot of sense to me.

i dunno.

it freaks me out.

i just had a few drinks and it allowed me to step back from freaking out and relax a bit.

we'll see.

wanderingmoon,

hi. I hope you are feeling better today. To detach from ones self can be as frightening experience. I was hoping today you are feeling more like yourself.

And there is nothing strange about being tired. We all work hard and sometimes need to take a few days to recharge yourself.

I have read some of your posts and you seem to be a very warm, intelligent person.

peace.
red

Thank you so much. I am feeling a bit better. Still a little out of it, but as bad as yesterday. Not to the point where it's scary.

I was tired without reason since I am out of school and not actually DOING anything except for job hunt, but tired nonetheless.

You guys are sweeties.

There is nothing to be afraid of when you reach death.
When you are dead, it's like you were never born right? Therefore there were never any emotions. Not even the harshest emotions matter when death arrives.
Of course, while you're alive, it won't feel too good.

Hey.

Thanks for the comment.

You are right, of course.

Maybe I fear death less than the agony I will feel before it arrives. The agony at the end, perhaps looking back on having not accomplished much and wasting life. I fear the fear of death.

I also hate anything finite. I hate things to end with no chance of renewal.

Very good observation. You are very young to have been thinking much about death, but I was at your age as well.

Have you ever had a seizure? Do you have any relatives with epilepsy? Sometimes very minor seizures can cause people to feel detached/dissociated. Remember that most seizures don't cause people to convolse on the ground like the grand mals tend to. Sometimes people will stare off into space for a few seconds and most don't realize what just happened. It's possible to have a seizure while maintaining consciousness, these are called simple partial seizures.

Here's a short clip which shows what it can be like
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwIoCm0Ict8

There are a couple types of partial seizures which can cause experiences of detachment

~Sensory Parial Seizures- These cause your senses to become a bit distorted for a time, things mights sound louder or you might feel like things are changing sizes. Sometimes things may seem closer or farther. A lot of people also

~Psychic Partial Seizures-These are type that usually cause dissociation, derealization, and depersonalization. You might feel like you are not you for a bit or that you are like an outside observer. It can also just be a feeling of disconnection. Some people will have out-of-body experiences during these.

Psychic Partial Seizures can also cause you to feel very strong emotions for a period of time usually fear or anger as these tend to affect the amygdala. A lot of people also report deja vu type experiences during these, a strangness of though, or a bit of loss of time. Hallucionations are common.

~Motor Partial Seizures- These can cause slight movements similiar to tics such as shaking legs, twitching, blinking and so on


It's not uncommon for someone who's have a simple partial seizure to experience more than one catagory at once. If any of this sounds like something you think you might be experienceing it would definitly be worth your while to see a neurologist. EEGs can detect seizures almost 95% of the time and there are a lot of very effective medicines for epilepsy.

I don't have epilepsy however I've had two simple seizures because of insomnia (I had gone about 5 to 7 days without sleep each time, sleep deprivation is a MAJOR trigger for seizures)

The first time was really strange I just suddenly had this intense feeling of fear, I couldn't move but I wanted to run. Then I just heard this voice saying "I am God, Do Not Be Afraid" I still couldn't move for a couple more seconds then all of a sudden I just realized a few seconds had gone by (I had a stare out).

The second time it began as a simple seizure when I suddly couldn't move again, felt this intense fear, and then heard all these voices I couldn't make out. From there I began hearing this extreamly loud horn like beep which eventually drounded out the voices. The the seizure generalized meaning it was no longer simple as it was affecting more than one part of the brain and i lost consciousness.


Most experiences of dissociation/detachment/derealization aren't epilepsy or seizure related, however it's always good to know that they can be. I know that it can be really scary to not know what's going on. I think I had just lost my mind for a long time. It's really great that you're able to post and looking for more information. You seem like an extreamly insightful intelligent person.

~Jen

Wow!That never really occured to me, but I do have a lot of family with epilepsy. I have two cousins, an uncle and a grandparent all who have had epilepsy.

It might be a good idea to ask your doctor to order an EEG or visit with a neurologist. Even if it's not seizures, it's always good to be sure, there are tons of excellent treatments for epilepsy.