Woke up in a panic

Hi all again,

My post yesterday about feeling stressed out is still going on, but I do have a bad problem with my left knee that is scaring me to death, it is getting really worse and I am having trouble walking on it. It started a couple of weeks before now, so I do not think that it is psychosomatic.

I woke up at 7 am, and had to take my Klonipin plus one. I still feel teary eyed. I am really trying to not freak out, but I feel very angry at everyone I know almost too. I don't know where that came from.

I hate this, I am going to try my best to keep plugging, but bad knees do not go away. My son from Charleston is coming to visit today I think, (my younger one still won't talk to me) and I just want to boo hoo...or worse. I really do not know what I am afraid of.

I am trying to rationalize and intellectualize all of this. I guess I will just try to stay medicated and sleep maybe. I don't know what else to do. Really freaking out here.

?????????????

God knows why, but I don't.

Ciao for now.

KK wrote:Hi all again,

My post yesterday about feeling stressed out is still going on, but I do have a bad problem with my left knee that is scaring me to death, it is getting really worse and I am having trouble walking on it. It started a couple of weeks before now, so I do not think that it is psychosomatic.

I woke up at 7 am, and had to take my Klonipin plus one. I still feel teary eyed. I am really trying to not freak out, but I feel very angry at everyone I know almost too. I don't know where that came from.

I hate this, I am going to try my best to keep plugging, but bad knees do not go away. My son from Charleston is coming to visit today I think, (my younger one still won't talk to me) and I just want to boo hoo...or worse. I really do not know what I am afraid of.

I am trying to rationalize and intellectualize all of this. I guess I will just try to stay medicated and sleep maybe. I don't know what else to do. Really freaking out here.

?????????????

God knows why, but I don't.

Ciao for now.

KK,

Deep breath girl. You are ok, it is stress that is getting to you.
You can do this. These are your children. Sorry about your knee, but stress can really do a number on your nerve endings.

Taking more Klonopin is not good for you. I know what feels like to think if I just took one more.... but it is not healthy and it can really mess with your depression.

Seeing that you can rationalize things, yet still have extreme mood swings, should be checked out. You are doing great, you dont recognize it, and you mood goes unchecked, dragging you around like a wet mop.

Living w/family is really hard. And as long as you explain to your children that what is going on with you has nothing to do with them. You still love them. So today should be a good time. And when it should be a good time, my therapist would always say to me, Red LET it be a good time, stay in the moment with your children and enjoy them. Not medicate and sleep. Write things down that you want to say to them, or write down things you want to check with them or a list of things to do with them.

You have to take the first steps..... medicating and sleeping is not the best thing for you to do. jmho of course.

peace and tranquilty...
red

Hi Red,
I am taking Aleve for the knee pain and it is helping, I do not know what the heck I did to it, so that made me sleep about an hour today. Not like my usual marathon sleeps...lol. I am not seeing a therapist right now, but if things do not improve, I guess I will have to find another one. I could not afford the last one, and do not have insurance right now..period.

I know that this is all stress and I do not need to over medicate, I do know that I cannot let panicky feelings get out of hand, or it takes twice the time and medicine to get back to normal. I have so much paperwork to do, and course work, but I just want to say f it all today!! My son, neither one of them, called today.

If I EVER get out of this house, I think that some of my family is going to have to do some apologizing to me before I associate with them much. I have felt so hurt by them. Now, I am sure that this is the wrong attitude to have. I just feel like I hate them sometimes, when I know I do not.

Friends that have long since abandoned me...they can go f*ck themselves, I have tried enough times, on a "sane" level to reconnect, but they don't. This is after over a year!! You cannot pick your family of course, but definitely can pick your friends. I guess the old friends felt my expectations were too high of them.

So Red, any other suggestions? I am just a miserable creature in my own skin the last 2 days....

Love ya,

K

K,

When you live with people that you feel owe you and apology, I dont think you can make progress until you get away from them.

I seen others suggest this to you, and they are right.

If you have a place of your own, you can chill and have your own spot.

I am sorry your kids didn't call. I wish there was a easy way, but rely on your strength and your intelligence and I think you will go as far as you want to.

I think of you often and wish you the best,
Red

KK wrote:Hi Red,
I am taking Aleve for the knee pain and it is helping, I do not know what the heck I did to it, so that made me sleep about an hour today. Not like my usual marathon sleeps...lol. I am not seeing a therapist right now, but if things do not improve, I guess I will have to find another one. I could not afford the last one, and do not have insurance right now..period.

I know that this is all stress and I do not need to over medicate, I do know that I cannot let panicky feelings get out of hand, or it takes twice the time and medicine to get back to normal. I have so much paperwork to do, and course work, but I just want to say f it all today!! My son, neither one of them, called today.

If I EVER get out of this house, I think that some of my family is going to have to do some apologizing to me before I associate with them much. I have felt so hurt by them. Now, I am sure that this is the wrong attitude to have. I just feel like I hate them sometimes, when I know I do not.

Friends that have long since abandoned me...they can go f*ck themselves, I have tried enough times, on a "sane" level to reconnect, but they don't. This is after over a year!! You cannot pick your family of course, but definitely can pick your friends. I guess the old friends felt my expectations were too high of them.

So Red, any other suggestions? I am just a miserable creature in my own skin the last 2 days....

Love ya,

K

better mad than sad :p


it shows you have the desire to defend and take care of yourself , which is a great thing


klonopin greatly helps with the anxiety, but it also incapacitates you from completing any other work (even when taken as prescribed)

maybe you DO need a day to just say "f it all" to everything, call sick out work(you ARENT feeling well) and just spend the day taking care of yourself

sleep as much as you want, clear your head , try not to think about anything in particular

that's what i try to do sometimes, it helps relieve some of the pressure

i bet the knees r from new job? beata is right, u r a strong smart person......take a day off from worries, put yer feet up and watch soaps all day.....oh, and i do the cry out of the blue thing too, and am not a crying kinda person either.....seems u r overloaded and need a day just for you......few beers,nice hot bath, jammies all day.....yup, the doc's orders for tomm. take a you day....then come back n post...i bet u will feel like alot better, not so edgy and angry.yet emotions r important too, i'm just tryin to find a middle ground here......i don't want to minimize anything you r feeling.....well, i hope u take tomm to unwind, and feel better. best of reguards, and wishes for you, take care, be safe. 'core

Hi Beata and Hardcore,

Good to hear from you. I did exactly what you said, and finally here on Sunday night I feel like a human again. Starting a new job is stressful, especially in nursing, to me. And knowing that the last one set me back so far. I just have a lot going on.

I am definitely taking a break from the internet guys, I have not been out with anyone since March 31st and I have not felt like even going out. When I am tired and stressed out, I feel icky about myself. My weight is up and self esteem in the gutter as far as how I think a potential love would see me. I feel like I look fat, ugly and disgusting!!! Plus do not have the energy to be "charming"..lol.

This new med I am on, Gabapentin, been on since December really, does something to my body and I cannot lose weight...maybe 5 lbs and then I gain it right back!! That really sucks, but it is my lifeline really so there is no way I can live without it, unless the doc comes up with something else to try.

My knee feels much better thanks and I have been trying to really take care of that.

The job thing is that the person that is training me to the company, tends to like to stress you out!!! Seriously, she likes to tease and say..."OH we are going to be working for 10 hours on paperwork Monday and No lunch!!" Thank God I will only be with her a few more days!!

AND THREE!!! upper management people just quit!! That is disturbing to me. However, it is a thriving business, so maybe we will get new and better people. I think this company likes to work people to death to where they burn out. Like a new co-worker said, there are other Hospice jobs out there waiting for us, if it does not work out. She is not happy at all with the company. So time will tell!! I really like the people I have been with so far, even the one that likes to stress me out!!!


So tomorrow is another work day. I always say I can handle anything for 8 to 10 hours!!

Take care you guys, and I will keep you updated on all this craziness....

Love ya,

KK