I'm scared

I'm not sure what is going on and I'm hoping that maybe someone out there could lend me a hand. I have very intence social anxiety & obsessions which has caused me to issolate from nearly everyone in my life. Every slight social mistake i would make went through my head over & over sometimes causeing flashbacks of physical/psychological abuse I experienced as a child and so I begn to avoid social situations until eventually I have found myself with no friends or people who really are there for me. The lonliness is killing me...I want to be with people so much and yet I've found it impossible to meet others. I still experience the flashbacks and obsessions now even in the absince of social situations. I hate it...I just want it to stop.

I feel this intence sadness, worthlessness, guilt, and hopelessness. I can't sleep or focus on anything. I've been thinking about suicide but I would never do that. There's this tension i feel which I can't put my finger on. I keep having vivid nightmeres. I just want to be who I was again and have some meaning in my life...nothing makes me happy anymore.

If I just had someoe there for me I think I could make it through. I tried to sign up for therapy but it didn't work out. I'm desperate...really on the edge. I don't know what I should do.

lonelyranger,
Your signature says it all. There is hope. This is already a good sign. If you see hope then you are fine. Childhood flashbacks can be very debilitating. You need to find a way to work through them, usually therapy is a good option, try again.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. If you make a social mistake it is not the end of the world. But I know what you mean. I went through what you are going through. by nature I am an avoidant personality and fear social events so my remedy to those situations is: It's ok to be around people but if what you SAY is making you apprehensive and fearful then don't say too much, or think and pause before you say anything. and don't be afraid to say no. People are people just like you and me. We are all humans. No one is better than you. You just have to try to get yourself slowly out of your lonliness. Join a gym, take a class, whatever it would take to get you out of your lonely routine. Remember you are an adult now, no one will scold you or punish you. You are the boss of yourself. Do what feels right. Again I think therapy would be great to conquer those flashbacks and obsessions. Talking about them helps a lot.
You say if you had someone there for you, you think you can make it through. You never know, this special person is out there but you have to take the initial step. Things won't come to you if you just sit back and be sad.
Hang in there.

ok, i saw a post on these forums relating these EXACT symptoms to a disorder (and i cant remember it, and its driving me crazy at the moment) but i promise to do my best to find where it is in the forums again

Thanks for the support everyone. I'm shocked that so many people replied. It really is nice to see that I'm not the only one out there.

rubystar- I've been diagnosed with OCD, Tourette Syndrome, and ADHD since a child. I've never told my psychiatrist anything about my social obsessions or lonliness but I guess she got it right. I also dissociate at times but it's not really as intence as most describe dissociation and I try to avoid it. I just sort of feel like I'm there but I'm not there like more of an observer...sometimes I'll want to say something in a social situation but I just can't get myself to say it. I take AdderallXR which has helped a lot with the concentration and dissociation but I haven't found any medicine to help with the social anxiety.

bigdeal_1- I am trying to find ways to be around people more and fight. I've began running daily, finding excuses to leave the house, and trying to pick up some small talk still I have found it difficult to meet people. I'm definitly still looking for a therapist but as I have medicaid there are few centers that will accept my insurance. Thanks for the tip.

~Jen

sorry, im going crazy trying to find this post again i promise to keep looking though

Thanks for looking, I really appriciate it.

lonelyranger wrote:Thanks for looking, I really appriciate it.

do you have a psychologist and/or pschychiatrist you are seeing now?

I see a psychiatrist however she is unaware of a lot of my troubles. At first I saw her with my mother who would not allow me to talk about the flash backs, which is sort of the core of most of my social obsessions, depression, anxiety and so forth. I'll be seeing her again on Tuesday though so I guess I'll have to talk with her some more.

I'm looking for a therapist but I do see a social worker through my school. She's a brilliant lady however I'm a senior so I won't be able to see her soon and as we meet through school I don't see her as frequently or for as long as I would see an outpatient theripist.

lonelyranger wrote:I see a psychiatrist however she is unaware of a lot of my troubles. At first I saw her with my mother who would not allow me to talk about the flash backs, which is sort of the core of most of my social obsessions, depression, anxiety and so forth. I'll be seeing her again on Tuesday though so I guess I'll have to talk with her some more.

I'm looking for a therapist but I do see a social worker through my school. She's a brilliant lady however I'm a senior so I won't be able to see her soon and as we meet through school I don't see her as frequently or for as long as I would see an outpatient theripist.

Hi lonelyranger,
You should tell your psych everything you feel and think. No topic should be out of bounds. So you as the patient can request your mother not be in your session so you can feel better and at ease to talk about what ever.

I hope things work out for you.
((((Cyber Hug))))
Red

Red- Thanks for the kind words. I'm in a sort of tough position in that my mother has a mental illness as well but is unwilling to seek treatment. There are so many things which cause her to go into these meltdowns during which she'll scream, cry, bang her head against things, become violent, and so on for hours. They are usually directed towards me and are very dangerous (she often will spray ammonia on me, hit me with a broom and so on). She also follows me saying things she knows will trigger flashbacks telling me over & over what a horrible person I am, how I never should have been born, that no one likes me, that I'm a burden on society ect. Needless to say I must do all I can to avoid these and keep everyone safe...if my psychiatrist accidently mentions anything it could trigger my mother.

In the past when I was starting to make progress with one therapist the therapist accidently said "You seemed a bit upset this morning." after my mother had a fit over running 5 minutes late for an appointment and screamed without using words on my therapist voicemail. After that I was not aloud to see that therapist again. I'm afraid that if I talk with my psychiatrist that could happen with her which would really be horrible.
Still I really need to talk with my psychiatrist about some things so I'm going to try and take a bit of a risk this Tuesday.


I guess I have a bit of a question. I was thinking about asking my psych. if we could add wellbutrin effexor or strattera. Has anyone tried a combonation of adderallxr and one of these? Has it helped? Thanks guys, you've all been so helpful.

~Jen