Why do I feel like dying all the time?

I am a college educated, medical professional. I wake up every day wishing I had not!. I feel like a total failure, loser, etc. in my life. I am miserable in my own skin, therefore of course everyone else can do nothing right around me. Anyways, I guess I have been told so many times how it would hurt the ones I love for me to do away with myself, it is a selfish act, etc, and all that I am still trying. No anti-depressants work for me. I am a single female past 40, I probably have as much chance to meet someone to be with me as getting shot by a terrorist. Well, that actually may not be true these days. And really who would want to in my present state of mind?

I think I am too burnt out on my medical career to go back to it, although I have a job interview on Tues. I get my hopes up for getting a job I like only to have it turned down or the job is a nightmare I cannot deal with. I just want to end the misery so bad. I have even tried getting some happiness from sex sites off the net. Ha ha ha. When you lie down with dogs, you rise up with fleas as the old saying goes. I learned that lesson the hard, hard way.

I even have such low self esteem that I was even going to let this guy control me, own me and degrade me verbally and physically for his own sick satisfaction. I did not do that because I was afraid he might kill me and that is not how I want to go. I wonder now how Anna Nicole died. It was mysterious. Unless it was a drug overdose.

I don't know what I hoped to gain by posting this, but I guess I want help. I don't really know anymore.

I have no one to talk to about this, not honestly anyway, they cannot handle it they say. So there it is...the sad truth.

We are as we do.

If you believe you are nothing...then you are.

Daniel

I can see in your post a few things.
Loneliness.
Depression.
And the feeling you are over the hill.

To name three and you might deal with criticism badly as well but here is a short reply anyway.

Your age has nothing to do with who you will or will not meet concerning a future love. You might meet your soul mate tomorrow no-one knows the future.
Its hard sometimes being 40 something as im just into my 40’s and around this time I myself am wondering what’s next.?
If you could make ONE change in your life what would it be and why.?
That might get you closer to the problem of what is missing in your life rather than dwelling on the bad things.

Hoggle and Daniel,

Yes I am depressed, lonely and I feel too old to start over and hopeless. I guess I feel like a am nothing but a pain and burden to my family that is supporting me financially and for sure not in the manner I would like. I got 40 dollars spending money for March and that is gone already.

If I could change anything, it would be to get rid of all these feelings and especially the depression. It seems to be overwhelming right now. Also I would change that I have no one really to talk to about my feelings. If this new medicine does not help, I do not get the job, or if I get the job and it goes badly, I am afraid that I will feel no other choice but to end my misery. I am also overweight and though I eat fairly little, I am sedentary so I cannot seem to lose a pound. I hate my size and that certainly does not help when you are trying to meet a guy.

I just hope that I can make it through a few days to see if anything improves.

Weocome to the club?? I feel very very similar - see my first post. You put it into better words then I could.

KK wrote:I am a college educated, medical professional. I wake up every day wishing I had not!. I feel like a total failure, loser, etc. in my life. I am miserable in my own skin, therefore of course everyone else can do nothing right around me. Anyways, I guess I have been told so many times how it would hurt the ones I love for me to do away with myself, it is a selfish act, etc, and all that I am still trying. No anti-depressants work for me. I am a single female past 40, I probably have as much chance to meet someone to be with me as getting shot by a terrorist. Well, that actually may not be true these days. And really who would want to in my present state of mind?

I think I am too burnt out on my medical career to go back to it, although I have a job interview on Tues. I get my hopes up for getting a job I like only to have it turned down or the job is a nightmare I cannot deal with. I just want to end the misery so bad. I have even tried getting some happiness from sex sites off the net. Ha ha ha. When you lie down with dogs, you rise up with fleas as the old saying goes. I learned that lesson the hard, hard way.

I even have such low self esteem that I was even going to let this guy control me, own me and degrade me verbally and physically for his own sick satisfaction. I did not do that because I was afraid he might kill me and that is not how I want to go. I wonder now how Anna Nicole died. It was mysterious. Unless it was a drug overdose.

I don't know what I hoped to gain by posting this, but I guess I want help. I don't really know anymore.

I have no one to talk to about this, not honestly anyway, they cannot handle it they say. So there it is...the sad truth.

Hi Kev,

Sorry to hear that you feel the way I do. I feel some better after taking a nap today. I also went ahead and increased the dose of my antidepressant. My doc is ok with me doing this. I have been on this med before and it helped but I could not sleep.

I know you are not a woman over 40, so what are your problems? Maybe we could help each other. Feel free to private message me anytime.

KK

KK, I had to respond to you on this one. You always seem to talk about suicide as if it will solve all your problems. Have you ever considered that should your soul exist after death, suicide could create a whole lot of different and much greater problems for you?

The other thing that struck me is that your family is giving you a small allowance and you are over 40 years old. That would really bother me as an adult to be that dependent upon others. Is this perhaps what is really bothering you? I would strongly recommend finding employment that will allow you to move away from these people who seem to cause you nothing but grief. You may have to put up with being around people you don't like at work, but putting up with people you don't like part of the time is better than putting up with people you don't like all of the time. I live alone and love it, and get by on surprisingly little so it is possible. You just can't be too choosy sometimes about what sort of work you do, and you can't worry too much about what other people think of you if they have no real power over you.

KK,

Thundercloud is right and so is Daniel.
You can start changing your life by changing you.
Depression has a thought pattern that must be broken?

Have you or are you in any other kind of therapy other than anti-depress. meds?

If you aren't then you might want to give that some thought.

I know you are tired hun. But do it for you.

Quit being your harshest judge on yourself. If you can find the way to be happy, within yourself, love yourself, admire yourself then, it will just take longer to have the life you want.

I wish I could help you more, I know sooo how low you can feel.

Huge HUG from ME!

Thundercloud wrote:KK, I had to respond to you on this one. You always seem to talk about suicide as if it will solve all your problems. Have you ever considered that should your soul exist after death, suicide could create a whole lot of different and much greater problems for you?

The other thing that struck me is that your family is giving you a small allowance and you are over 40 years old. That would really bother me as an adult to be that dependent upon others. Is this perhaps what is really bothering you? I would strongly recommend finding employment that will allow you to move away from these people who seem to cause you nothing but grief. You may have to put up with being around people you don't like at work, but putting up with people you don't like part of the time is better than putting up with people you don't like all of the time. I live alone and love it, and get by on surprisingly little so it is possible. You just can't be too choosy sometimes about what sort of work you do, and you can't worry too much about what other people think of you if they have no real power over you.

Do you really think I have not considered all aspects of everything. I have not made an effort in earnest to end my life. I do believe in God and wonder if he wants me to live so miserably.

And do you not think that I have been trying to find re-employment since day 1, even though I was not ready to go back? I took a job in September that was so bad it caused me a setback. I just have really bad days sometimes and feel like everything is hopeless. To say that it bothers me that I have to be dependent on my parents like a child is an understatement!! It has been horrible to say the least and my dad is very controlling, so he feels this gives him the right to dictate what I do!! We have had some knock down drag out fights over money and such. I do understand that it is his money. And I am grateful for the help.

I do know obviously that getting a job and getting out of here would help. I have tried many times to get a job that I think I could handle in my profession. I do have an interview on Tues. for a job I have always wanted and it would pay very well. I am praying that it will work out, and first of all I get the job!! I am going to do everything in my power to get and keep the job!!!

Thundercloud, did you actually think I have not wracked my brain to think of solutions to my problems and I just get on here and whine? Those are obvious answers to at least part of my problems. Give me a little credit for having a brain.

KK

[quote="SmallTalkRed"]KK,

Thundercloud is right and so is Daniel.
You can start changing your life by changing you.
quote]

Yeah...I don't want to rub it in....but I was right.

Daniel