COINCIDENCE? You tell me, OK?

I just had a discussion with my sister about this. As I posted on here a few days ago, I just got turned down for a job. As of right now, I am still a Registered Nurse. The last 5-6 years, maybe less, I was getting into severe job burnout. I had no idea. I worked as an RN 20 years, an LPN 1 year and a Nursing Assistant part time while in school full time for 3 years. That is a lot of nursing! I felt I had the "calling" to be a nurse and had many patients tell me so. Anyways, the last 5 years proved to be a totally hellish experience. I changed jobs a lot, called in sick a lot, had all the signs of severe job burn out.

When did I find this out? I took a test on job burn out one of the times I was in the psych hospital for severe major depression recurrent..borderline personality disorder, and cyclothymia. I never knew I had anything but depression, which I sought counseling for and got treated by family docs.

FINALLY my question. Now that I have NOT worked in nursing for a year and a few months, why is it, when I go for interviews and get close to getting hired for a job...do I start having nightmares about nursing? I am meaning dreaming about all the details of what we do in the job, such as all the things I did for patients in Critical Care, Dialysis, all the technical stuff. I dream I am doing these things and that I am absolutely miserable and things are going all wrong with the patient...which can be such a nightmare!! Everyone panics when a patient is losing blood pressure, or their heart is going too fast or too slow..they are bleeding profusely from an area and we cannot get it to stop!!! All these bad situations that I have been in, I dream about every night. After I was turned down for the job last, the bad dreams have stopped. It seems so simple, but when I am awake, I think I really want to go back to nursing and doing the same type job I was doing. I want to be functioning normally again. Maybe I should talk to a nursing consultant? or someone in the Nursing board? I do not want to alert them to the fact that I have these illnesses.

This of course means, if I could go back to work as a nurse, I would also be making good money and supporting myself, and be able to get free of my horrible living situation. I live with a very old, bitter, critical dad that is clueless about what I am going through. He is trying to help me by letting me live here and paying for some things, but otherwise he is very Toxic to me. This has been surmised by a few health care professionals. I have no where else to go. I want to take an Overdose and be done with it all, on the other hand, obviously I want to live and be productive again.

The mind is a very intricate, frustrating thing to try to figure out. I just wanted to put this out here and hope that someone has some good ideas for me. Or just answer the poll. By the way, I have not been able to think of anything whatsoever I would be suited for to go back to school to learn and I am 51 years old.

Thanks so much,

KK

KK,

I don't know what to vote because it seems so narrow.

I am closer than you think in age, and JMHO but what I hear,
is Black/White thinking or all or nothing thinking.

with what I know about you sweetie, you deserve a break with nursing. I have not had you as a nurse, but I am sure you are better than most!

Ok, I will vote for school, you deserve time in your whole lifetime just for you, and be happy. You can find something that you really enjoy doing and not under stress when you do it.

I hope you have a good day.

smalltalkred

Thanks for the vote!

I have to disagree with the black and white thinking, these are the options I have been told or suggested by family, friends, therapists, etc. Except really NOT to work in a hospital. If I can get a job, just one more time in nursing and try it, I am leaning towards that and then I would be able to go back to school. Right now, I do not have a cent to go back to school with. So somehow, I need to pay for it and also COME up with some idea of what to do in school.

The Walmart choice was kind of what you were saying, in the black and white, but it is an option. I would probably hate it. My concern too is if I took a job in retail, other former nurse co-workers might see me and laugh if not in front of me, to themselves. They probably would understand though, nursing in a hospital really sucks. It is extremely stressful.

Just wanted to write a quick note, hoping to get some more thoughts on this. Meanwhile, I am going to apply online to a couple of hospitals asap.

Love ya,

KK

It must be very, very difficult to see people suffer and even die when your essence, your being, is geared so strongly towards helping them and taking care of them.

I am no expert, but some of what you describe (nightmares, depression) do sound like post-trauma symptoms ... possibly PTSD.