what is my husband's condition?

just-tonight,

Good, you're angry and you should be-- but not at me, but at your husband's mis-treatment. You came on the forum asking what is your husband's condition and many posters here all say the same thing, yes, he's obviously sick and you should leave him. But here it is, just six months later, and you're still with him and still whining why, why, why is he this way?

If you believe yourself to be living with a monster, then why is it you don't leave him? If I were living with someone who threatened to break my neck and sexually abused me, I''d be outta there in a flash. That is NOT love. Fear for my life would have me trying to escape by any means possible.

You can't change your husband or your marriage, but you can save yourself. I don't know what it is that makes your husband abusive, but a mental disorder sometimes arises from abuse and the abused becomes the abuser. Also if the mental disorder is of the cluster-b variety of PDS, that disorder is an intrinsic part of his psyche-- it is not something that can be cured. Even if he was aware of his disorder and sought psychological counseling (which pwPD of cluster-b category rarely do because they believe that nothing is wrong with them), counseling can only help him modify his behavior-- if he remembers to do it. If you so much as suggest that he has a personality disorder, he may very well turn your words against you and say you're the crazy one.

Another thing to keep in mind is that some mental disorders are genetically passed down in families and then triggered by none other than a disordered parent himself. Do you really want to have a child with him, and later find that your child has the same disorder? You'd be living with not one, but two disordered ppl, not to mention that abuse is already prevalent in your marital relationship. Your husband doesn't want children probably because he doesn't want competition for your undivided attention.

You should be asking yourself why you remain in this abusive marriage. Is there something in your background or past that drives you to stay with him? You obviously have a computer and can research personality disorders. You're a mathematics teacher and you're bright enough to figure some things out for yourself. There are ways to eradicate browsing history so that your husband doesn't have to know what you were doing on the computer.

Monsters often wear nice, sweet masks in order to entrap a person in their web. They are two-faced, and the hypocrisy fell away the minute you married him.

You are in far more danger than you realize.

Hello again just-tonight. Thank you for sharing the incident that happened last November, that gives me a bit more perspective on what your life with your husband is like , and a bit more understanding as to why you are not really listening to all the advice you are receiving here. It took a bit of courage to go through those events again and I applaud your attempt to be honest with the people on this forum.

To begin with, I am going to respond to what you said about my self-identification as a sadist. Yes, I do believe that I am sadist. And yes, that does in fact mean that I find sexual enjoyment in causing my partners pain. So, if your husband does in fact receive sexual enjoyment from causing you pain then I am in fact like your husband in that respect. Not all sadists are the same- in fact I have found that sadists are actually quite different minus the fact that they (by definition) enjoy causing pain to their partners and can enjoy said pain on many different levels including a sexual level. But, I am not the same as your husband or even very similar to your husband because of one simple element that is missing from your relationship: Consent. My partner is entirely consenting to any sadistic action in my relationship. I do not force her to remain in the relationship through fear, coercion, or manipulation: In fact I am very clear about my intentions with her and have been from the start. I am involved ina BDSM relationship with my partner, and a BDSM relationship based around the idea of consent, communication, and a mutual fulfillment of desires. I understand that this dynamic and my description of myself as a sadist can seem similar to your husband on a surface level, and that these similarities can be confusing, but I assure you that your husband and I are not identical. We are quite different. My partner consents, is not ever afraid of me, and yes even desires me to cause her pain of her own volition (that is even when I have not expressed an interest in hurting her). She does not care for me in spite of my sadistic tendencies, but rather accepts and embraces my sadistic tendencies because she likes them. To steal my own rhetoric, there is no "but" in my relationship with my partner. There doesn't need to be. And honestly, if you enjoyed your husband's actions, if you were masochistically inclined and liked the pain he was causing you, then I wouldn't see your relationship in as much of a negative light as I currently do. But you clearly do not enjoy his treatment of you just-tonight. You have clearly not talked with your husband about what is, and is not acceptable forms of sadism, and even if you did he would not listen to your admonitions. He doesn't care if you consent just-tonight, and you have most certainly told him repeatedly to stop hurting you- that you do not want to be hurt, that you want the abuse to stop. If my partner ever told me that, I would stop immediately as she would no longer be consenting to my actions. But your husband does not stop just-tonight. In fact, based on your story it seems like you telling him to stop and screaming encourages him to escalate his mistreatment of you. I care about consent and will stop if it revoked. Your husband does not and will never stop his abuse. Therefore, although we are both sadists your husband and I are also different in a very important way.

In regards to your abuse that happened in November, honestly this scenario just makes me want to tel you to leave your husband even more. This abuse was possible because you went back just-tonight. If you had stayed away from your husband in Finland, and gone to family or friends he would not have ben able to hurt you. He is not above the law, nor is he capable of hurting you if you were to run from him and escape the country. And if you are really that concerned with him coming after you, then you can alert the police of the country you flee to that your husband has been abusing you and will likely come after you for leaving him. Again, I know it is scary, but if you stay can you really say that you aren't going to annoy your husband again? Can you tell me with perfect accuracy that you will be able to keep him happy and stop him from hurting you even more severely than he did in November? No. You can't. Even though I'd like it if you are able to. No one knows the future just-tonight: Neither you nor I are clairvoyant. But, what I can tell you is that staying with him makes you significantly more likely to be abused than leaving him. If you try and leave the abuse might get worse should your husband catch you (although if you flee to a Finnish embassy I do not think he actually has any legal right whatsoever to attempt to reacquire you), but it is not going to be much better if you stay with him, and you will be getting more and more abuse. For whatever reason, your husband is clearly mentally unstable and you really cannot trust that just because he is treating you nicely one day means that this treatment will continue. Again, you can't know what he's thinking- just what you yourself are thinking.

I agree with your view that your husband might in fact "love" you, although I think the word obsession is more appropriate, but I do not think that your husband loves in the same way you do. Jealousy is not necessarily the sign of loving another individual- it can also be seen as the sign of wanting to fully possess another individual. I think that your husband wants to fully possess you just-tonight- that the reason why he threatens you when you try to leave is that he has an "if I can't have you then no one can" mentality. It's immature, abusive, and manipulative. I do not think that this feeling could be defined as "love" in any normal sense. Additionally, you admit that you are afraid of him and that you want to leave. A healthy individual would allow you to leave- especially if he or she loved you. If your husband loved you, he would want you to be happy,and as much as it might hurt he would be more understanding that your happiness didn't necessarily have to include him. Haven't you ever heard the old adage, "If you love someone, set them free?" during your time in the states? Because, if your husband had a healthy idea of love this is the sort of thinking he would subscribe to.

Instead he hurts you, threatens to kill you, and makes you fear him. What part of that sounds like love? He will not let you leave, and has you so afraid that you do not want to try again. What part of that sounds like love? He has raped you, manipulated you, and sought to complete control you without caring about your consent. What part of that sounds like love? Whether or not your husband loves you or not is irrelevant here just-tonight. His "love" is hurting you. His "love" might end up killing you. His "love" is making you afraid of him. His "love" is making your life miserable. Your husband's love is not healthy just-tonight. I know that you realize this fact. I know that he might treat you gently at times. I understand that he might make romantic gestures, or brush the hair out of your face when he wakes you up, or that he might apologize for how he treats you but none of this makes his love any healthier. He is manipulating you just-tonight. His love is manipulation, his love is total and absolute control without caring about your feelings, his love is abuse, his love is making you afraid and forcing you to remain in this relationship.

Now I ask you just-tonight, is that the kind of love that you want? If it was, then this thread would be pointless and I would wish you and your husband the best of happiness. But because it is not I advise you to leave- to escape this idea of love that is hurting you; this love that is tearing you apart. I don't care right now that you wanted to cheat on your husband. I don't care right now that you might have BPD or dependency issues of your own. I don't care right now that you are probably not completely innocent in this whole situation. All of these things can be addressed after you get yourself to a safer place. Because that is what I care about right now just-tonight: I care about your safety. I care about your continued existence. And currently, I'm not sure if you'll be able to read this reply based on how abusive your husband is capable of being. I'm not sure how much longer your husband is going to refrain from hurting you. And next time, just-tonight, he might not stop. You've already seen how much you pleading affects his actions when he raped you and when he hits you- what makes you think that pleading for your life is going to be any more effective. I'm sorry that I have to be so pessimistic just-tonight, but there really is not much more that I can say. Please just keep your safety in mind and do whatever you think is best to preserve that. Again, only you can change your situation and there is only so much that I can say to persuade you to take what I believe is the right course of action. Do whatever you think is best, and do not let your fear of your partner or the unknown control you. Become the one who controls your own fate and decide what you want that fate to be. And please, look after yourself.

Best of luck, best wishes, and prayers for your future as well as continued condolences for past and present abuse,

-MJH