Really need to talk...

Hello all,
I'm new here.

The main reason I'm posting, need I be honest, is because I REALLY need to talk. I'm sorry if I come of as a rambling, annoying so-and-so, I don't really have anybody I can talk to about my current (rather poor) mental health. Sorry if this gets ridiculously long, I really do apologize in advance. I just desperately need to talk to someone who I hope will understand, even if what I’m expecting to be a pretty long ramble falls on deaf ears.

The first time I visited a psychologist I was 8 years old. It was 4 years after my dad's passing, I'd fallen out with many of my friends at school and my mum thought I was in a pretty bad shape. I don't recall feeling bad but quite honestly I don't remember much at all from that period in my life so it's hard to tell. However nothing was found to be wrong with me and all was hunky dory until I was around 11. I suspect that I spent a lot of my time between the age of 11 and 15 heavily depressed. I also had some very serious weight issues although I never had an eating disorder. When I re-read my diaries from back then there certainly seems to have been something wrong with me and i do recall feeling very awful. I can't put my finger on what it might have been although bullying, awful friends and a bad sexual experience (was not abuse per se but did affect me very badly) might have played a part. Started dabbling in self injury when I was about 15, however I started the equivalent to US high school at the time and for a while my problems seemed to dry up. I made new friends, started a 'new' life, left the bullies and past behind and was pretty much okay.

Things went down hill after a boy I'd been seeing for a few months dumped me when I was about to turn 17. That coupled up with another traumatizing incident (I'd rather not go into details) put me in a really bad shape. I became severely depressed, I self-injured a lot, spent a long time on and off meds and in and out of psychologists offices and was threatened to be put in a 'home' for a while if I didn't clean my act up. I managed to curb a lot of my self injury but mentally I was still pretty much a mess and remained so for a long while until I was diagnosed with dysthymia in 2002. I'm still unsure if this was a correct diagnosis to be honest, since I was diagnosed with it just one year after being officially recognized to be suffering from depression - however I digress. In 2004 I was also told that I suffered from extreme anxiety. Remained very subdued and generally unmotivated about life until I turned 20, then things perked up, albeit by a little notch.

Things seemed to be running rather smoothly and I didn't seem to be doing too badly, not even after being attacked at my front door (was a sexually motivated attack but I managed to escape without being sexually assaulted, although I was punched pretty hard in the head). This was around a year ago. Up until last March things seemed to be okay, then my University finals started to stress me out and I started falling apart at the seams really. I went back on unprescribed medication and started drinking quite a bit. I put it down to university stress, sat for my exams, passed, moved on. Sadly things still aren't okay. I went to the doctor recently with various health complaints which he put down to anxiety. I've started having VERY bad panic attacks, at times up to 5 times a day. My job (was in it for 3 years part time, was upgraded to full time in the recent months) is making me somewhat miserable and I often suspect that it might be at fault for my panic attacks since I have some insane responsibilities on my hands, responsibilities I often feel like I can't handle. I'm lucky enough to work from home so me having a panic attack, despite extremely stressful on me, does not really cause anyone else any trouble (save for my mum).

I've always been very reluctant to see psychologists, however this time I reached out to help myself. Thing is my efforts have not really reaped any results. One of the therapists I called told me she was a family therapist and couldn't help me. The other one told me she’d get back to me to set an appointment but never did. This is all getting me really down.

I stay up late most nights because I feel like I can't sleep for worry. Thing is I don't know what I'm worrying about; it's just this endless feeling of anxiety which seems to be over nothing. The only way I can manage to sleep properly is if I drink myself silly, which tends to happen ore than twice a week per night. At one point I was drinking everyday but I was worried about wrecking my health so I gave it up on a nightly basis.

I have a very supportive mother, a wonderful boyfriend and some pretty nice friends but they are either partially aware of how I feel or completely in the dark of everything because I'm tired of rubbing off as a semi-nut-case. I really wish I could get help but it seems like whatever I try is not enough. The most recent medication I've been put on doesn't work, so I've reverted to my old one. the catch is that it's really addictive and coming off it makes me feel worse than ever.

Anyway I've whined enough. I just really needed to talk to someone. I'm sorry about all this yadda-yadda.

PS: Just for the record, I've also got mild OCD issues.

Hello

I've had extreme social anxiety going on for about 8 years now. I sympathize with the drinking yourself silly...that seems to be all i do now a days...i find it makes me function much better. I dont know what medication your on, but i'm on a pill called lorazapma...its very good. Take it when needed.

I havent much to offer. But an ear if you need to talk.

nctn_girl,

Hello and welcome.

Don't worry about rambling, that's what most of us do here. And it helps, honest. It's important to try to stay calm, try keeping a journal it helps clarify things when talking to a psychologists.

"This is all getting me really down. I stay up late most nights because I feel like I can't sleep for worry. Thing is I don't know what I'm worrying about; it's just this endless feeling of anxiety which seems to be over nothing. The only way I can manage to sleep properly is if I drink myself silly...."

I expect you are aware that alcohol is a depressant. It might help you sleep but it will only make you feel worse in the long run.

Stick around here for a while and keep posting. There is a lot of helpful information in these pages.

Some of what you say is familiar to me, anxiety, depression etc. I have been dealing with my 'stuff' a long time and if I have learned anything it is to stay as calm as you can and try to think about one thing you can go and do that might distract you from how you are feeling at that minute - it's like trying to step outside of the anxious situation and take a look at it from a different, clearer perspective.

We are all different. What works for one may not work for another. But you need to know that you can learn to take control of your thoughts - at first just enough to calm down and really look at the situation that is making you feel anxious.

I hope this helps a little.

Hi nctn_girl,
Welcome to our forums! I'm sure you'll find a lot of support here, and I'm glad that you're reaching out. <3
It sounds like you've had a lot of difficult experiences in your life, and I'm sorry that you've been through all of this! *hugs!!!* I, too, have extremely bad anxiety, so I know how impairing it can be in everyday life. I feel your pain! Don't give up on things getting better, though: I can definetely identify with feeling hopeless. I, too, am struggling with medication right now, just trying to get on the right one, but we really can't give up. And I'm sorry you've had bad experiences with psychologists, but it's good that you recognize that you need to see someone, so don't stop looking until you find a good one! It might take awhile, but there are lots of good ones out there, along with the crappy ones. I also understand how you feel about friends and family not understanding... I often feel the same way, but recently I realized that the problem is that I haven't been letting them in enough. Sure, I'd told them that I had "anxiety" and "depression", but I hadn't explained how scary it is for me to walk into a crowded room, how much my low-self esteem has an impact on how I view the world... Now that I've gone into specifics more, they can understand how hard all of this must be for me. I don't know if this is similar to your situation or not, but I just thought I'd mention it.
Take care, and I hope that things get better for you!!! PM me anytime if you want to talk. And don't apologize for the long post- that's what we're here for!!!
<3
drama_queen

hi there...how are you doing? im new here,but reading your post, made me think that we have almost similar issue-except that i have no supportive family nor a loving boyfriend

im on medication too-and worst thing is that they treat me as a nut case! i have social phobias-i cnt stand being in crowds...i get panick attacks... and add them to my list of depression issues...

well, its never easy for us and no matter how hard we try they wil never understand will they!! welcome anyway

hi there...how are you doing? im new here,but reading your post, made me think that we have almost similar issue-except that i have no supportive family nor a loving boyfriend

im on medication too-and worst thing is that they treat me as a nut case! i have social phobias-i cnt stand being in crowds...i get panick attacks... and add them to my list of depression issues...

well, its never easy for us and no matter how hard we try they wil never understand will they!! welcome anyway