Help.

Hello. My name is Dave, I'm 16, and I'm currently in the 11th grade of high school. Its really hard for me to communicate about myself and ask for help... forgive me if its a bit long and poorly written.

As far back as I can remember I've been rather shy. I haven't had more than a few friends at any given time, and I always would get overly anxious about the thing, even for a simple phone call. As I got older I became paranoid of what people thought of me. The kids who sat behind me would often make me feel uncomforable during class... They gave me this awful feeling that I was being meticulously and negatively judged and analysed. Sometimes I would hear them say things about me.. Things that I could believe they were actually saying, and things that they absolutely couldn't have been - like they knew exactly what I was thinking and commented on it. Still, things were better back then; I knew I had real friends I could fall back on. We would always have fun hanging out.

I was really into some of the subject matter that we would learn in school, always trying to push forward and get better at it; I sort of thought of it as a competition. I excelled in this way, until about the 10th grade.


Things went in a downward spiral from last year on... I started to stop caring about school work, just doing what I needed to to maintain my grades... I did really see any of my friends much that year. I wasn't very active socially before then but at least we would do $#%^ together.

In 10th, all I really did was go to school every morning and do the bare minimum... often skipping classes when I knew they weren't at all involved in my final grade... I played a lot of multiplayer video games.. I guess they were sort of my only way to let loose, but eventually I just felt like a zombie... It wasnt that uncommon for me to play 8-10 hour gaming sessions in fps, mmos and things like that... Things that really didn't involve any sort of real thought, just twitch and click.

Then came summer and I was pretty much a hermit for the past 2 months.. It was nice to have that much free time but eventually I found myself wanting to get out more, yet being unable to when I thought of how people would make fun of me...

Now that school's started again I feel so... out of place. Whenever I'm in a social situation I'm extremely quiet for the most part, only sticking to simple responses like yes/no...unable to think of anything to say. Its really frustrating feeling like a spare wheel all the time... Most of my old friends avoid me now...

I VERY frequently hear "that kid is the biggest #######1 "/"what a homo", or just "#######1" from pretty much every one... Its ###$ up.... I even hear the teachers say it. I get called all sorts of nasty things like the above by the closest person I can call a friend since they've actually stuck around with me so I don't feel completely alone. I've built up a tolerance to it, but when you hear those things within 5 minutes of each other every day it can really get to you.

I'm having a nervous breakdown.

Today I refused to go to school... I couldn't bare to go when I felt so empty... Why should I even bother with the $#%^ when it just makes me suffer? I might be able to go on living without any emotion, and bury my head in homework, but what's the point. In fact, thats just what I did for a big part of my life, but what kind of life is it without emotion? I'm not afraid to admit that I cried today. I just wanted to die... I thought about how I would write my suicide note and different ways of commiting suicide.... All I wanted was for someone to be able to confide in and to feel loved.

Hey Dave,
I'm sorry that you've been suffering for so long, but I'm glad that you've decided to talk about it and seek out help. *hugs* I, too, am 16 years old and have gone through similar experiences. I've had depression for a few years now, and anxiety for practically my whole life, so I know how intimidating social situations can be. I can also identify with having written a suicide note and considered suicide.
It sounds like you have Social Anxiety, which is feeling uncomfortable and out of place in social situations. I, too, have this, so I know how miserable it is. Is there anyone you can confide in, though, even if it is a family member or an adult who you trust? I'm sure that there are people in your life who care about you and will be willing to support you if you reach out. And have you ever considered seeing a Therapist, or maybe talked to your guidance counselor? Therapy (and talking to my guidance counselor, who is a very compassionate woman, fortunately) has helped me a great deal, and I've gotten my depression under control now- I stopped cutting, and I haven't been severely suicidal for awhile now.
My heart goes out to you, Dave, and I hope that things improve for you. People can be so cruel in the high school world, believe me, I know, but try to stay strong and not pay attention to what those jerks are saying.
Take care,
<3
drama_queen

Dave,

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. I can feel a lot of your pain because I taught school for many years. I saw how kids, often for no reason, would pick on, talk about, or make fun of someone else. It sounds like you are very lonely. Are there any activities that you might be able to try to make friends? Maybe a chess club or some other club that has just a few members. There are many who feel like you. It would be good if a few lonely people hooked up with each other. Could you talk to a teacher or a guidance counselor?

You may be a fine young man with many good qualities. Your school may be a really disfunctional place. I believe most high schools are disfunctional for many (maybe most people). If you are a great athlete or are really loud, school might be more comfortable. Many of the loud and/or athletic kids may not have any sort of life after high school.
Good Luck,
Jim S

i agree that high school is an extremely dsyfunctional environment. If one buys into the all the nonsense and shenanigans that go on in high school it can be very damaging and cause all sorts of mental illness, especially depression. i know this first hand. i didnt have a really bad experience in high school and towards the end actually was part of the whole popular party scene and played sports but the underlying current that i bought into really meesed up my self image and perspective on life. years and years of pain and depression followed. Dont buy into any of the #######4 or shallow irrational shenanigans that go on. so if girls dont like u or the cool kids think u are a nerd then so be it, be proud of that becasue one day u will see how ridiculous it all is. high school "nerds" (what is a nerd anyway? according to who? who sets this standard? is it law?) who accept themselves and stay detached from all the nonsense end up most successful in life and more importantly most happy....because they get it. the so called "cool kids" and by todays standard "wanna be thugs or gangsters" will be cutting your lawn someday

Sorry for the delay in my reply...

Thanks to all who responded, especially drama_queen .. I really needed that. Had I not heard it, I probably would've just gotten worse.

I guess I just let all my frustration build up, until I was maniacally depressed and just couldn't bottle it up inside anymore. I feel a lot better now though.



I've learned that I need to have an outlet for my frustrations...
My best friend keeps telling me I need to "let loose" and just be "stupid" and he's right... I'm too burdened by my own worries and end up just messing up the mood for other people...

I used to be a lot less tense and silent in social situations when I was younger, I know I laughed a lot easier. If my best friend playfully made fun of something stupid I said at the time and called me a "homo" it didnt even register as anything disparaging to me and we would just keep laughing. Then, pretty suddenly I started putting a much greater weight to any sort of negativity; I became pretty serious about it and couldn't stomach it at all, be it directed at me, or someone else.

For the past I dont know... 2-3 years when I thought of being outgoing and doing something social I sort of felt tainted from embarrassing sort of things that happened to me before.

Things have just gotten a bit too serious for me, and whenever I was in a social situation I would be pretty serious, and have a flat look on my face most of the time... I tend to just listen most of the time and even then people don't know if I'm paying attention...

I've been usually pretty relaxed by just killing my emotion, so I wasn't exactly sure why my friend would tell me to "let-loose," I thought I was dead relaxed. lol.


Though I'm not sure if I'll ever be the same as I was before I guess I'll have to try to be more out there with what I've got and try to be more talkative( even though for many situations I'm not sure how to react - it leads me to just be quiet and say simple monotone kinds of responses; yeah, sure, heh, that sort of thing)

Dave,
You seem to be a very intelligent, articulate person. All you have to do is filter a lot of the crap that you hear and see in your high school. Imagine that there is a filter for every word you hear. Use that filter to block all harsh comments and the name-calling you hear. Don't let it get to you. I had a hard time in high school too being more of a shy girl. I never got into anyone's way and just stayed with a couple of friends but some kids always managed to get into my way and say mean things to me.
Ignore them...That's the best thing. If anything gets worse then you report it to your school counselor. Just think in two years you will be in college and none of that will be there anymore. You do your own thing, pick your own classes, at your convenience. To me high school was torture. But I never let that get to my grades.

You say you stopped caring about excelling in school and now you just do what you have to to maintain your grades. If you always excelled until 10th grade, it means that you are a very smart person. Grades will get you in the college of your choice. And trust me, college is going to be fun unlike high school. You will find many people who would want to get to know you and be friends with you. I had fun in college and by then, high school was history.
Dave,
Try to find something to get busy with like others here suggested, a club or how about a sports activity. It will fill out some of emptiness you feel but missing school will not. I am sorry, I don't want to sound like a parent or a teacher. I can totally relate to what you're feeling because that's how I felt on many days when I was your age.

Ok, I have something to say, this is a general statement...I hate to throw this here...This has nothing to do with you Dave...I just need to get this out.....
STAY AWAY FROM VIDEO GAMES AND COMPUTER GAMES THAT MAKE YOU SIT FOR HOURS STARING ON A SCREEN. THEY DO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A ZOMBIE
I'm sorry again, I wanted to say this for the longest time and I may be a little frustrated because I have a 6 year old boy who during summer break got into playing some games on the computer and I saw how he became socially avoidant and very dreamy like and irritable. Before he would go outside, ride his bike or just play and after playing games that was all he wanted to do. It was either that or sitting in front of the TV on those non-stop cartoon channels I am working on him to reverse it though.

Good luck Dave.

Have you tried taking boxing lessons so you can kick their asses?

Hello again,

hans1:

yeah, the thought has come to mind
but I just wouldn't feel right about it unless I knew they were really doing something serious to me, and even then I probably wouldn't...
I fear I may have serious paranoia when it comes to the way I think the people at school see me... I'm not sure if they really are doing it or if its just being manifested in my mind
ahh... I have to try harder at filtering words like some of you suggested (good idea). Though I feel people may be acting this way towards me because of how different I may appear on the outside, I refuse to give up on people. You wonderful souls have shown me a much more positive side of people than I am used to seeing....

I have been a little irratable with my parents at times, and cold to certain people.... Reading through some of the topics in the PPD forum I never want the people in my life to be hurt by my sometimes ridiculous behaviour.. I'd like to be more open-hearted to these people now. Also I completely sympathize with the people who suffer from PPD. I've recently thought perhaps it is better that they distance themselves from me, the way they distance themselves from me now - or maybe I'm just being too damn distanced from them that they pick up on it and project the feeling back at me.... Oh boy I'm rambling now xD sorry

bigdeal_1:

Tyvm for your response, I very much appreciate it. I can agree with a lot of what you said there. Joining a club might be good for me, but I'm not sure how to go about it, I'm too uncoordinated for a lot of the sports that we play at my school, and we really don't have anything like a chess club.. I'm thinking I might volunteer somewhere, like the SPCA, but I couldn't bear it if they put the animals to sleep ... tutoring might be good, I've tried it to some avail, but I wasn't very good with keeping the dates.. either me or they would forget often.. *sigh* what else is there?

As for the video games, I totally agree I have to set limits but its like crack sometimes xD, besides I've sort of used multiplayer games in the past as a way of making up for my lonliness... best I hadn't go in so deep with them... best of luck with your son and the matter, dont let him get addicted like me I've cut down the amount of time I spend on games drastically though, and found that I like being outside a lot more.

As for my grades I agree I shouldn't let my condition detract from my obligation to school, but lately I've just been frustrated with some things... Last week I actually convinced myself not to do an assignment, a rather significant one, because of my frustration and how immensely bothersome it would have been to do... I actually felt like throwing in the towel completely for this year of school. Its somewhat difficult to explain, I felt like I'd put up with enough $#%^ in my life already and just wanted to retire.. *sigh* I'm still struggling with the idea now...

I'm very greatful for the attention you wonderful people have given me, and hope I can figure out whats going on with me so I can fully deal with it. Anyway, I love you all.

Err... Comments?

I have a comment.

What kind of comments are you looking for?.....no wait thats a question.

I guess i have no comments.

I thought of one.....school is a bitch when your young. Its all about clicks and prejudice. I wouldnt worry about them other kids.

That boxing suggestion was good. knowing you have the power to destroy people is enough to not even have to use it...and thats power. Also builds self confidence and esteem.