My life in a Nutshell or Jail Cell, I'm Not Sure of Which

I'm not really sure how to describe how I feel. It’s not anger, not sadness, not fear, but all of them and none of them. I don’t know any word to exactly describe it.
It started in the winter; I was helped to notice something which I did not notice before. That’s too things. One, I am gay. Two, the world functions very differently than I believed most of my life. I am not entirely sure how, and cannot cite specific detail other than the small bits I have picked up through observation and not lost to fits of fear and confusion. Even what I do believe I know, is still subject to confusion due to my mass confusion about everything. I feel as though I had a bad reaction to my new awareness of things, began to become frightful of implications it would have for me. I also feel that in some way, my actions/inactions/inability to control my actions have caused either myself personal determent, or worse, has caused either a determent to many individuals, or perhaps a determent to some form of society as a whole.
Explicitly, I felt I was releasing thoughts which were disgusting; the kind of things that would really make you lose your appetite. Sexually explicit images, thoughts, racially charged remarks, for seemingly no reason. I felt no perceived anger towards anyone in any racial sense. I have tried to attribute the sexual aspects to my inability to accept my homosexuality, and to some extent, I believe I am attempting to hold on to any thoughts which may make me feel as though I am not homosexual. Perhaps these thoughts include these sexually explicit thoughts (not like fantasies, almost like flashing somebody), but they were sexual in content nonetheless, making me think that perhaps they are linked with what I perceive as a drive in me to maintain some sort of heterosexual thought process.
Unfounded and seemingly unfounded fears began to crop up. What if my new awareness was tied to only a limited number of individuals, or what if there were competition, or perhaps better said, opposition between factions of people regarding ways of thinking, ways of acting, ways of interacting with this awareness, or even worse, there was opposition, but the scales were very slanted, with one supreme, Rome, if you will, with only outlaying barbarian sects, working either against, or away from this said Rome. How would I know who was who, who would aid me, and who would deceive me?
To compound this confusion, my sexuality became a strong basis for these thoughts. Was I being “trained” or “taught” to be homosexual? Was I being convinced I was homosexual to throw me in a direction not of my choosing, but beneficial to someone somewhere? Or was it compassion, and people wanted me to stop lying to myself?
I cannot bring myself to believe the world is out to get me, and no matter what evidence I may have accumulated, I would always again convince myself that I was being paranoid, and that things were not as they seemed. But again, evidence more towards the factions, or groups, or whatever they may be than the direct actions towards me, but this evidence would reignite the fears of my actions causing some detrimental effect to me or people or a cause or an idea for which I care for.
Anyway, after a few months of this confusion, fear, and indecency, I was told very bluntly that I was “locked out.” Of what, I am still not entirely sure. Perhaps of the perspective that comes with this awareness, perhaps of a group or sect, perhaps of the communal awareness, perhaps of something completely different, I cannot positively say. However, I have had a strong sense based on actions and words of others, and my own reasoning that it has a strong connection to this awareness, and even more strongly, to pot. Pot seems to cultivate the fears, the indecencies and the confusion.
This has sometimes lead me to believe that it is only in my mind that my world has gone to hell, and were I able to avoid my paranoid fears, I could open my eyes to a much more kind, much more compassionate world. Perhaps were I to open my eyes however, it would be somewhere in the grey. Perhaps I am not being specifically singled out, perhaps I have not done much in the way of harm. Perhaps my condition is only punishment for my actions. Perhaps within this whatever you may call it, there exists, as good as could be written down to most, laws and rules, which I have (to myself, seemingly unknowingly) broken. However, most of the things which I believe I have done wrong, I can find some shred of evidence to prove there may have actually been an infraction on my part, so I have thus knowingly broken these rules or laws, negating any argument of ignorance on my part.
After this locking out, I believed I had lost some aspect of this awareness, but my sight of it so clouded, I could not tell if any at all or what was missing. Was it my choice to stop this? Was I force to stop this? Am I bound so that I cannot affect that I was stopped? Did I have a chance to not do what I had done? So many questions, and no answers.
Better yet, I feel I am forced to abide by these rules, yet I feel I do not know them. Is it that I am only to abide by the rules I know, and will know when I have not done so? Have I been informed? Amongst my confusion, has someone communicated this to me, or was I only being paranoid or confused at the time?
Were I just paranoid, I would need to know to what extent, so I could limit the set of actions I would take, based on the reality of my situation. Were I totally correct, what am I to do? Do I wander as a blind man in the world of the newly seeing? Do I do what I can with what I have? Or would that just be a waste of my time, and should I just attempt to enjoy what life I have left? Should I throw caution to the wind, get high, think what I want, how I want? Probably not that. The evidence it specific enough that I can almost surely say the answer to the last question is no. But to what part of that question? Is it because I am unchangeably unfit? Past savabley broken? Unwilling or unknowledgable to take the steps for correction? None of the above? How could I know?
Pondering these many many possibilities of reality, I attempted to go along with what reality I could gather for a few months. That is until I experienced the most disturbing, horrific feeling I could have ever felt. I am not sure who it reached, and if it reached who I believe it had, I feel no better than a child molester or a rapist for having unleashed what was unfurled. Pain and sadness seized my body, I was unable to concentrate (as I usually am) or think in any relative state of clearness, even from my perspective. I drove home sobbing my eyes out at four in the morning on a weekday, crawled to the foot of my mothers bed and wept for hours. The next few weeks, I spent curled in a ball, horrified at a) what I had possibly done, and b) where this would leave me.
Had that been the straw that broke the camel’s back? Had that been the anvil tossed on the broken backed camel a week after his collapse? Had I imagined the whole thing?
Anyone would tell me my perception of reality is distorted, and would attempt to convince me to return to the societal norm of perception of reality. However, after experiencing what I have, and seeing what I have seen, hearing what I heard, and knowing what I know, I cannot fully do that. I can admit that many, and I mean many, facets of my reality are flawed, distorted, or even dead wrong, but I am as sure as I am of my own existence that to some extent, my perception is correct.
This leaves me five or so months after my break down. I spent the summer working, reeling from the horrific things I may or may not have done as I merely walked down the street or drove my car. I worked hard at my job, and learned much in the field of physics, and as time passed, and I spent time around my mother and my friends, playing pool, playing Nintendo, or just ‘talking about the weather.’ I eventually began to feel as if I could at least if not accept my reality, begin to deal with whatever reality was out there however I could via my very limited and entanglingly confusing perspective of it.
Then I got back to school.. “F--k it.” I started smoking weed again, and back it came. Not the confusion. Not the awareness. The evidence that I was somehow or another, in the wrong. Evidence, not speculation. Of course, it is always in a round about way, but that is the nature of this perspective of reality. It is not my choosing, and I am not sure how it came to be so, but I have been assured, it is so. So where does that leave me now, today? I am “locked out,” I am continuing to break some sort of rule, believably related to marijuana or how it is affecting or how I am reacting to the altered state of mind and perception.
All I am left with is the feeling that I truly am locked out, in by far, the most literal sense of the word. Anger? At who? Me? Them? Them who? Fear? Of what? Myself? My sexuality, or my responses to it? Of them? Them who? Sadness? For myself? Should I pity myself? Should I pity myself if I with the most semblance of truth directed my course this way? Should I feel ashamed? Should I not? Could I help any of this? Should I feel guilty for my actions? How can you feel guilt when you have no clue as to what the consequences are, malevolent or benign? What do I do? As I said before, do I just live my life for what its worth? Have a beer, watch the game, embrace our societies accepted ways of passing time and enjoying one’s self? Should I cast aside all I have seen, return to the darkness, and pretend it was a dream? If you had seen the light, even if they told you they would kill you if you were to disobey, would you return to the cave, forever condemned to darkness? Is there any hope? Why should I hope, when it may or may not, but in many likelihoods, may lead to false hopes and false beliefs chasing such false hopes? How do I go about pursing the ends of these hopes? How do I not purse the means to the ends of my hopes? How do I obey my deem of locked out, when my waking conscious is surrounded by the fact that there is something from which I am locked away from and the fact that were my perception of the locked out deem incorrect, I may cause more trouble for myself or may miss some golden opportunity for return?
How do you express those emotions, those feelings into a word? Confusion and fear are the common thread, but that is not what I feel facing these problems. Standing next to a fire, I can tell you a man feels heat. I cannot tell you though how he feels mentally about standing next to a fire. Is he scared? Is he comforted? I am afraid. I am confused. But I also feel whatever it is I feel as I confront my reality, and I cannot express this feeling to you any better than through every word on these pages. It cannot be summed up or categorized or recognized. It is my own feeling, my own perception, my own thoughts that define how I feel, and I am sure it is nothing I can say to you in words.

Why?

I was born into this world ready to ascend the pedestal, now I am nothing better than a deer in your headlights, just waiting for the day I unknowingly step in front of your car.

Imagine being a deer, and knowing that despite your truly most valiant exertions, you could never even touch the abilities that a human being has, and unsure of whether humans intend for you to die, to enjoy you for amusement, are pestered by your presence or do not care more for you than you would care for a deer on the side of the road watching you pass, or than you would care for a deer moved to the side of the road to allow traffic to pass.
What would you do, if you were this deer?

That is a strong part of what I feel. Not just the uncertainty of action, but the utter humanlessness that accompanies such a situation. I have been depraved of my humanity and reduced to another particle in the universe.

Why?

Thank you for your patients... Somtimes its just nice to know someone is listening.

I can tell from the very beginning of what you wrote that I have at least one of the problems you have. This whole thing about how the world works, and how it is not like what I thought or can even tolerate....

reading more ... I'll write more later. In the meantime, welcome. I have a feeling we both have come to the right place.

" I drove home sobbing my eyes out at four in the morning on a weekday, crawled to the foot of my mothers bed and wept for hours. The next few weeks, I spent curled in a ball, horrified at a) what I had possibly done, and b) where this would leave me."


What did you do?, or what do you think you may have done?.

It is of the utmost embarasment, and still shrowded in confusion... I still feel too uncomfortable to discuss it in specific, but it was not an action which would be physically harmful to anyone, it was almost really something entierly in my mind, but if you feel you see the world as I do, you may understand the effects that things I have described may have. I doubt this sheds any light on your question, and I appreciate your replies.
Perhaps it would be suficiant to say that it is nothing illegal anywhere, and it is something were it entierly as real is I am almost sure it is, would be as horrific as a sex crime against somebody. I am not really sure how to describe it better than that.

Do you hate yourself for being gay?. Do you hate that your attracted to men?.

Look, you can be confused....and if your not confterble talking about what happened on here thats cool. If you want to can talk PM me if that would help. Or just wait until your comfterble.

My dad was a sadistic man, he didnt encurage emotion of any sort. He also isnt fond of homosexuality. He's one of those old school sorts. Anyway i've had my share of homosexual relationships....more emotional then sexual. And i went through the this is a punishment for my sin's. And the suicidal thoughts, and the homicidal thoughts. Because something like that just dose not fly in my world.

But seperate from my world (my sourroundings and the people who know me) i've come to be at peace with it. I'm not a homosexual or bi-sexual or hedrosexual, i'm a human being. So are you. Its about love, love has no gender or race or age.

I found the movie Brokeback Mountain to be a good at pointing out societys biased view of homosexuals. And how they feel a shame and feel the need to remove themselves from society to express love. It was also a sweet movie.

Derwin wrote:It is of the utmost embarasment, and still shrowded in confusion... I still feel too uncomfortable to discuss it in specific, but it was not an action which would be physically harmful to anyone, it was almost really something entierly in my mind, but if you feel you see the world as I do, you may understand the effects that things I have described may have. I doubt this sheds any light on your question, and I appreciate your replies.
Perhaps it would be suficiant to say that it is nothing illegal anywhere, and it is something were it entierly as real is I am almost sure it is, would be as horrific as a sex crime against somebody. I am not really sure how to describe it better than that.

cardinal rule, I think: our thoughts and feelings are totally ok and good. Our responsibility is to deal with them... starting with accepting them... as they are... which is something inside us not entirely of our choosing. Then, we go from there..... always trying to do the next right thing.

If you have done nothing to harm anyone, you are doing well. You can improve taking care of yourself. You are totally ok... really. I can tell. You sound scared, but I think much of what you fear can be addressed with a lot more safety and maybe less pain than you imagine. I thin k you might be able to find a way to get the worst of this behind you quickly. In fact, it might be the worst already is behind. Being honest with your thoughts and talking with people here can help a lot. I am new here, but have done a lot of blogging and online interaction. It saves my life constantly.

You are doing ok... deep breaths.... one step at a time, always trying for the next right step.


EMBARASSMENT
One of the most humiliating things I ever did was tell some dope psychologist that I have masturbated. For me, telling this to someone was difficult and painful. In retrospect, it is a minor thing to reveal, since I was only acknowledging my participation in a natural and nearly universal activity. At the same time, the trauma of talking about it was horrible. I think that trauma should have been broached more gently than this shrink felt like dealing with.... I am sure he felt sensitive and all.. .but still, there was something unnecessarily brutal about how it went down for me. I advise gentleness... and don't feel you have to tell too much... just a little is a lot... and make sure you tell only when and where it is safe. Not everyone is safe. You cannot rely on people's representations of themselves and motives to judge safety. You have to watch and see who really cares about you, ahead of their own needs.... if you can find someone like that, give thanks to something greater than yourself for giving you the safety, and see if you can share a little.

UNIVERSAL EXPERIENCE
In AA, we all think our sins from when we drank are so horrible, we can hardly bear thinking about them, much less talking about them. And yet, in all the years of hearing drunkalogs, I have not heard anything that stands out more than the fact that it never sounds as awful to others as it does to ourselves. We are our own worst critics. We have the least compassion for ourselves

If someone like you came to you, and told you secrets that were like yours, how would you feel toward that person? How does that compare with how you feel toward yourself?

To me, the point is to realize you will find compassion when you share in the right places. That compassion will save your life quicker and more surely than all the gold in the world. That compassion is a higher power, that heals invisibly, but surely. Just not on schedule... that is the part I hate. One of the things I hate...

but no need to hate yourself for your feelings.. they are good. really they are. They are your friends, here to help you find your way, in your unique way.