Why I hate my mother

I have been holding all this hate towards my mother and I dont exactly know why. Whenever she walks in the room it make me pissed off and upset. Today I was talking about it with amy and trying to figure out some reasons but I dont have any memories of before my father died so im not exactly positive. I have come up with a few things but not the major reason but I just thought of something that really upset's me. When I was about 8 or 9 I was argueing with my mother (I dont remember why) and I toofk a knife out of the kitchen draw and put it up to my heart and said I was going to kill my self and my mother said go ahead do it. She claimed afterwards that she knew I wouldnt do it but what if I did. What kind of mother would say something like that. Any normal mother would be worried and want to get there child help. Err this makes me so upset.

Kayty

Kayty how does your mother feel about your depression and suicde attempt?

Im not even sure. She doesnt show her emotions, but I dont think she takes it seriously. I think she thinks I wont ever actually finish it. I wouldnt have been in the hospital if it wasnt for amy. It wasnt my mothers idea. She just kind of acts like its stupid.

Kayty

Well..............I don't know your mother! But....trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and assumming that she loves you very much here.......I'll go w/ that........

I can't excuse what your mom said to you.......but speaking as a parent of a very difficult 7yr. old..... ........as well as remembering what I myself was like as a teenager who was dealing w/ emotional issues who cut and was suicidal, etc...........

is it possible that your mother said that not so much because she doesn't love you but that she was just flat out frustrated at the moment? I'm sure she regrets having said it. But remember she is human! It's so easy to say to parents "you have to be the adult in this situation and not act like a child". I hate that type of parenting advice!!


Well. Anyway. It can be frustrating to be a parent. Our kids didn't come w/ manuals. What we hope and dream for our kids....doesn't always come. Maybe when you did that your mom felt at a complete loss. You were at a very young age to do something like that. Maybe your mom was so completely taken back by that. A lot of it may depend on how she was raised as well. I think of my mother-in-law and how she handles certain things. I won't give any specifics out of respect to her and my husband's family....but I think of how she handles death...tragedies in her family.....you don't talk about those things....I think in her mind others in the world have gone through far worse in their lives and yet to people on the outside we view their family has having gone through so much! But she just deals w/ it and moves on. I view her as such a strong person. Maybe your mother was raised a certain way that for her....what you are going through...it is hard for her to know what to do and she's so at a loss she doesn't know how to handle this? Not saying that makes her actions right....I can't judge her. I'm just trying to put a guess out there for you ...because I can't imagine that it's as simple as she doesn't care! Maybe it's as simple as she feels at a loss as to what to do.

Perhaps your mom grew up in the school of hard knock's. They tend to be less outwordly emotional and more realistic. My father said to me when i guess i was 12....when i had wanted to end my life, he said you want to die?....do it, dont talk about it, get depressed or cry, just do it. And that seemed harsh....had i put i knife to my hart he would of laughed and smacked me upside the head. Funny thing is now...that i'm older i respect that more then if he had of said oh god please dont hurt yourself.

Thing is your mom loves you, but perhaps she's just not one of those overly emotional people. Maybe it wasnt right the way she acted, but sometimes people act in ways we dont expect when put into unusual situations. Like a mothers child standing infront of her pointing a knife into her chest.

The thing is that isnt the only thing. She was never there whenI was a child. I was pretty much raised by my father, my aunt and my grandmother. Also my mother has slammed my hed into a car before and tried to push me down the stairs but I got away so she grabbed me by the neck and threw me on the bed. She would never hit me now though because she know's I wouldnt have it. Im not sure about other thing's she has done but im working on bringing back memories. Like I said I dont really have memories from before my father died.

Kayty

I think what she has said and done is flat wrong. I don't know how old you are now, but if you can strike out on your own or at least keep her away from your, that might be the best choice. Whatever happens, remember that she's wrong... your life is valuable and you deserve to live (and live happily at that). Sometimes moms aren't what they're supposed to be. Not all parents love and cherish their children. This is a sad fact and no one deserves to have love withheld from their own parent, but it happens all too often. Don't give up on yourself.

Hey hon,
I am so sorry that you've had to go through this with your mother! *Hugs!* I'm glad that u posted, though, and that you've been talking with Amy about this. I agree with Chickadee 100%, the things that she has said and done to you are inexcusable. It is never okay to hurt a child, especially not multiple times, and what happened when you were younger is inexcusable as well. I know that harsh words and neglect can hurt just as badly as physical harm, because I lived with my grandmother for 7 years, and she was emotionally abusive.
It makes sense that you don't remember much from before your father died, because lots of times people who are abused have a way of pushing it out of their heads, to avoid the pain.. I did the same thing, and am still remembering random tidbits from years ago. But it's good that you are thinking back and remembering situations, because burying the feelings only makes it harder to deal with. The first step to healing is remembering.
Are you any closer with your stepfather than you are with your mother? I hope so, and I'm glad that Amy is looking out for you.
Take care, Kayty, and know that I'm here for you, and that you can always contact me if you want to talk. <3
Love&Prayers,
drama_queen

Thanx chickadee and drama_queen,

No im not really much closer to my stepfather. He doesnt like teenage girls. He thinks were all "drama queens". I hope that I can remembermore things. I want closure.

Kayty

Kayty,
I know what you mean about wanting closure; I'm sure you'll continue to keep remembering. I don't know if it will be the same or different for you, but once I started thinking back, it got easier to remember the longer I did it.
Take care, hon. <3