day to day TW

I feel as if I am losing control over my very thoughts.
This is a feeling that doesnt pass, it is as if Im am losing my mind.
First its the never ending battle with my body, then I mark my body because of it.
By this I mean, I cant stop thinking about food, weight, and exercise. I am always thinking about what I will, when I will eat it...then worry about if I will be able to rid it...then the questions sise about how much fat is in what I consume, how many calories and if I will be able to burn them off by exercise. These feelings dont stop. They consume me so muchand I end up devouring more then most do in a day. I sit there, on the floor just stuffing my face. I cant even taste the food most of the time. Something just hits me and my mind says...do it! Hardly chewing the food, it goes down my throat feelking this void inside me. No, its not hunger. Im not even suire what it is half the time. Im so stressed out, confused, angry and annoyed at everything. I want to make myself feel better and it does help. While Im binging Im at an almost drunken stupor...I cant feel anything but relife. When my guit is so full and near bursting I feel so guilty. I cant understand why I did it and I tell myself never again.. So feeling bad, fat and guilty I rid it all. I make myself sick until I almost pass out. Seeing and feeling all the food come out of me is just as good as it felt going in. But Im disgusted with myself. I feel bad again...and it starts again. But this time I cut. I take a sharp razor blade and slide it across my tender skin. I can see the blood drip out, I feel it run down and Im at ease again. But the blood dries and I see the real daamge. What did I do? Now I must hide it.../I must hide these cuts. I dont want to though anymore. I want people to see my hurt and shame. They do. Then I feel bad again, I feel the need to hide again. All these feelings build up and I start eating again...stuffing my face.....taking every last bite. Now I cant get full...so I eat and puke for hours...it takes longer for me to "feel gfood" again. Im cought up in the never ending cycle. This is destroying my body I know. Im never at ease...always tense. So that makes it hard to be social...alone all the time. Being alone leaves time for making plans....plans of eating..plans of OD on laxatives...more plans to hide my secrte shame.
Words and images of abuse haunt my sole everyday. They cause and trigger me to harm myself. Im not sure what to do anymore. Its been almost 10 years and Im still doing this. It seems its my life...and will always be. I know it may destroy me soon but that isnt enough to make me "stop" cause this I cant just "stop" cause I sure didnt "just start" these feelings I dont want even though they are an addiction.

People all around me seem so happy.
I try to look beyond their own mask. I wonder what they are hiding...what they ahve been through...and will go through. They all have their stories. I wish to know theirs, keeping mine to my own. How I wish to tell my story...but eye contact? Really talking to someone? I have never been able to until about a month ago. Why is this? Why is it so hard. I guess because I have to admit I do have a problem and that the hardest thing ever. Harder then living with it.

Thanks for sharing. I have some of your thoughts. I'm like a heavy-weight aneroxic. I think a lot about my diet and I exercise a great deal. But, I just want to hold my weight which is just a bit high.

You said that it seems that everyone looks so happy. Well, I can assure you that they are not. I've been to many self-help groups. The happiest looking, most together people often are carrying around a lot of sadness and major life problems. You can't alwyas tell on the outside. They told me not to compare my inside to someone else's outside.

About the only thing that has helped me with my obsession with my weight and eating has been activity. I have to get off the coach and do something. I have to build an interesting life for myself. The more time I spend in the house with the kitchen nearby, the more I' m obsessed with eating. I go for walks, work in the garden, ride my bike, and go to support meetings.

Good Luck,
Jim S