Mind Control

Hi I'm 26 years of age. I live in the UK. I grew up without my father. I've never met him and have no idea where or who he is. My mother raised myself and my twin brother on her own until we were 2 years old, when she met her current husband. I had a lot of difficulty establishing a relationship with her partner from a very young age and only recently have been able to say 'hello' and 'goodbye' to him. I resent my mother for bringing me into this world without no history of my father. When I was 5 years of age I was sexually abused by my babysitter. I didn’t tell my mother until I was 14 years old. When I told her she said ''what do you expect me to do about it! Why didn’t you tell me back then''. I think a lot of my problems stem from keeping this dark secret for so many years to myself but worst of all I didn’t get the support I needed when I told my mum. I told my brother when I was 24 and his first response was ''are you sure you didn’t just create this in your head, are you sure your not lying!''. I left home when I was 16 years old. Within the first year of living on my own I met someone I thought I could trust. We went out on a few dates. But the first time I went to his home he raped me. I went to the hospital to have a sexual health tests but refused to tell the police who had raped me. I didn’t tell anyone what had happened to me as I thought it was my own fault. The friends I made were not to be trusted, a lot of my friends made a living by selling class 'A' drugs. I only ever tried weed but this (on top of my problems) made me fall into depression at 18 years old. I didn’t seek any help but left my city to move to a new city, away from all the negativity. By the age of 19 I started working as a prostitute in brothels in and around the UK. I kept this a secret for many years from my friends. But because I had to lie about my lifestyle, I slowly lost many of my friends. I was only interested in making money and I felt like I had power and that I was in control of my life. Working in this industry has scarred me for life. I'm now 26 years old and to anyone who met me within the last 2 years of my life believe that I am happy, secure and well balanced. They believe that I'm lucky. But that because they don't know about my past. I live and function normally to most people. I'm good at hiding my scars. I start University in September. I live on my own. I work as a volunteer for a couple of hours every week (I cant face working a paid job - surrounded by people that want to know more about me). By volunteering people are just happy that I'm there to help (no questions are asked). I'm popular amongst my few friends. But when I'm at home alone I'm a 'victim'. A victim of sexual abuse; I'm the child that has no father; I'm a prostitute; I'm a liar; I'm the victim of rape. When I'm on my own I dwell on the past so much that it affects my ability to concentrate and function normally (i.e. cleaning my home / feeding myself). My whole mind is consumed by reoccurring negative thoughts, which I cant rid myself of. I torment myself. I'm scared that I am going insane. I'm constantly fighting to clear my mind of negative thoughts. Help me!

sometimes it helps to treat the symptoms, unwanted unpleasant thoughts are often from an anxiety condition called OCD
self help books for overcoming OCD have useful advice, especially a book called brainlock, if you can find a copy
an antidepressant med sometimes helps with the thoughts and other anxiety and stress problems
long walks and gentle exercise also reduce anxiety and also OCD