My case: I really need help

Hello,

I need some advice to know what can possibly be wrong with me, or if what I have is some kind of disorder. I will explain my case:

I have always had the need to keep my brain "busy". If I was single, I always had a crush on someone and thought about him the whole day. If I did have a boyfriend, I got super into some other activity: writing, sports, drawing... whatever I found. It seems like I need to be "obsessed" with something, always having some kind of goal in my head.

This has made me live with a constant sense of incompleteness. Seeking for something to motivate me and be able to live as an individual, not having my brain "functioning" 24/7 on this weird attachments, I decided to travel the world on my own, so I would learn how to let go, how to live with nothing but myself... And it hasn't worked. I fell madly in love with a guy I met during my travels, and I am completely obsessed with him since 2 years ago, even if he's a traveler like me and we only meet when our paths cross somewhere in the world.

Deep down I feel that I idealize what life could be like when I'm with him, and that it's not himself what I want, but it's just my brain needing to be "obsessed" with something, as always. I have learned many things travelling and I have an amazing professional life. I have a good family and some old friends back in my hometown, I could be so, so happy if it weren't for this. I cannot find completeness and this is killing me. Please, help me. I am desperate.

Happiness only comes from within. Nothing you can gain externally will make you happy unless you are already happy as you are

It sounds like borderline mix with OCD, but the bar for a real disorder is many symptoms at once, and even then it's only a label, a way of giving some understanding and frame of reference to what's going on. It doesn't define a person.

It sounds like you keep distracting yourself from actually solving the issue when you believe you're solving it by trying to do something else. Maybe you need to set aside some time per day just to sit and allow yourself to think. Remind yourself of the issues with your thoughts that trip you up and try to change them the moment they occur.

What you are yearning for is the other half of yourself.
The unthinkable awareness that connects us with the Dark Sea of Awareness.

We block that aspect of ourself
by giving our attention to the internal dialogue All The Time.

Stop the torrent of thoughts, and what remains is uncluttered fluid awareness
of your spirit that wants to be heard and expressed.

Simple, but not easy, to silence the mind.

It is presently fashionable to be obsessed with courtship rituals
and unrealistic romantic expectations.
Beware : that path leads to Domestication, the sacrificing of our freedom to ungrateful children.

Be your own person, and allow the unthinkable aspect of yourself to be part of your day.

Cruxx