Anger attacks - ideas please - others with anger similar ?

OK, here goes. I like your forum and notice that it is mostly up to date, so I am hopeful of some good response. My girlfriend clearly suffers from anger attacks. I will give little information of our situation as I don't want any answers to be clouded by perhaps insignificant details. I shall refer to her as B. We have been living together or six months. Quite early in the relationship she got very angry over something I considered to be quite trivial though I didn't mention that to her, sensing that there was something deep down and time would possibly shed light. I met a close friend of hers who said to me quietly "You know B has anger ? - please be gently with her". Let me say here that I love this person very much - not because of her anger or feeling sorry for her or anything like that - just that I do - for her - for all the normal reasons that one would love someone. There has been the time when I cooked chicken for her and she was very disparaging of the effort that I leant over saying "Well if you don't want it I'll have it ..." With that she threw her plate, glass everyithing across the room shouting at me to get out, get out. One minute later I came back to the room and we both quietly and gently cleared up. I know how to handle it because we had discussed this before. Of previous lesser occasions she explained to me that these outbreaks are not really aimed at me - they just happen - more to people she is close to and she has just given up worrying about it - if people can't handle it she is quite happy to live alone. Her suggested action for me is simply to leave the room for a minute as it never lasts long. Just a few days ago we were watching TV in bed and she was just going on and on at me - basically making every possible derogatory statement that you might imagine a woman to make toward a man (yes, come on, we all know what they are - we men are not perfect !!) I was trying to defuse the situation as gently as I could without actually saying nothing or leaving the room (I have tried leaving the room in these times but get "where are you going ". She was clearly picking a fight - I was having none of it - I removed my glasses sensing something in the air. Finally she pounced - leaping on me trying to scratch me, hit me, whatever. OK, so I am quite strong so I held her arms firmly amid saying such like 'OK darling, it's OK, I'm sorry, just relax a bit and I'll leave the room. Just as she seemed to be relaxing a bit there was a sudden kick and her knee got me squarely in the face and broke my top lip on my teeth (no great harm but blood)...... Amazing ... suddenly her face dropped and she said "Oh, darling, I'm sorry darling, I'm so sorry ...". She slumped back, I held her hand tightly saying 'it's OK darling, my fault, it's OK, I love you, don't worry, it's OK, I'm sorry I didn't read the signs properly, it's OK'. She took tissues and gently administered to me. All over. Now I think this is all somehow connected with her feeling not too good about herself. She seems to have 'goes' at me somehow to 'wind me up'. Seems to me that once she gets any kind of response which she perceives to be 'putting her down' then it all kicks off. So this is my story - there's some more stuff - she was very ill, nearly died when she was 10 and all this has been ever since that time. There's much that I don't know. The more that I do know I will only give out if there is some feedback on this. I understand this kind of anger attack is quite common - often associated with a marked issue of low self esteem. Given the illness, I have considered Tourettes but there are no obvious 'tics'. I cannot delve too deeply into it with her - I love her too much, I am not qualified and I just don't want to worry her. She sometimes thinks she has some brain tumer. I can't decide if this if psychological or neuropsychological. What would be really useful, I think, is a separate forum heading of Anger Attacks where people could post there own anger attack experiences so she would know she wasn't alone and in fact ... quite normal. Any ideas as to cause or solution or plan for living with it would be so useful. This is not a cry for help, I do love her dearly and I just would like to share and help her if I can - well, yes, ideas for me so that I can help her best. But I am not her doctor or her mediator - just her lover.

Jaybee,

We do have the anger management forum, and the bpd forum, both are known for uncontrollable outbursts, and rage.

Has she always been this way, does she have a history of abuse of any kind ( sexual, physical, emotional, or verbal)?

I hope we can help.

I understand your coping techniques, it's called walking on eggshells, but what is her technique for controlling this. She has to take ownership of this, and not continue to do this to you or anyone else.

Isolation is what I did, I am bpd, to keep from hurting others and myself. It's not the answer, now I have agoraphobia. You can't put perfume on a skunk.

If she gets some therapy, it may help deal with the rage. I had some anger issues when I was younger, but thankfully, they've mostly gone away. I've learned a couple of techniques to deal with it as well; transcending the feelings, or converting the feelings into physical actions -- my house gets real clean real fast when I'm angry. And that's all I seem to need; that, and to be left alone while I'm angry, because I know the anger doesn't make sense, I stopped expecting it to make sense, so now I just do what I have to until it passes and I can talk like a sensible person again. Used to enjoy the big dramatic fights with my boyfriend, though. I miss the fights.

Oh, sorry, I missed the parts about the hitting. No. There was no hitting when I got angry. Mostly destruction of inanimate objects.

Good luck. I hope she gets some help to deal with this.

Thank you so much for all your replies.
DDeehopes - Yes, I know you have an anger management forum but this is me not her and I am not going to pretend that I can help her manage her anger - I am not qualified and am not going to mess with her head. She has been this way ever since a serious illness when she was a child of 10 - nearly died, reports hallucinations and still has dreams well assocaited with 'near death' experiences. Abused by her family, well, yes, insofar as she thinks she owes them for her life !! I know that she can control it, she does at work fairly well - though she does have a bit of a reputation for being 'mouthy' - I don't know the technique, perhaps I need to ask but I don't really fell like facing her over it - I know she doesn't like to talk about it all too much - 'what is past is past' and back to 'if it disturbs you I'll go and live on my own' - (No, I don't take that as a threat !!). And precisely, I do not think isolation is the answer - either by her living alone or by me just staying silent.
Alethiea - Therapy is a possibility but I think I have a fair way to go before I can broach that. I am trying to find an empty space and a car full of old plates so she can have an enjoyable afternoon smashing them - I know that feels good. Or take her up a mountain and get her to shout at the top of her voice. She does get into a cleaning frenzy - sometimes we work together, sometimes I leave her to it at her request. Are you really saying she enjoys the fights ? (Not the physical - obviously not that - she looked destroyed - may never happen again).
Thanks again to you both
More ?

I read your letter tho I'm on loa.

With this being a concern for you rather than her then we are here to support you in whatever you need.

While I"m gone I'm sure you'll get many responses to help you.

I appologize for making this a one sided issue, and I hope when I return I can add more support, having a bad few days,

Take care til then

I can only speak for myself, I should stress. I "enjoyed" the fights -- and they were not physical -- because my upbringing had been very, very restrictive of anything "inappropriate." It was really different for me to be able to get angry without being abandoned or punished simply for daring to get angry. I was always, always punished if I got angry. It simply wasn't allowed.