People problems and the like...

Okay, well I've not actually been diagnosed with anything, but I do think that I've been suffering from some sort of depression since my early teens, or even slightly before that (my first memory of having suicidal thoughts is from when I was 9). I suspect, after having researched the subject loads, that it could be bipolar II disorder, though I don't really like to self-diagnose. Now that I'm 18 and have pretty much stopped believing that someday I'll fall in love (loneliness was one of the main triggers for my depressiveness), my moods seem to have levelled out a little, but my self-hatred still remains and my dark feelings seem to have been replaced by these bizarre 'detatched' and 'unreal' feelings... I can't really explain it very well. Blegh.

However, it seems that my main problem at the moment is my fear of making an idiot of myself, which, unfortunately, I'm oh-so-good at. It's gotten to the point where I'm panicking about what the hell I'm gonna do after university because I don't want to be working around other people in case I screw up in front of them. I've also become unable to say anything on most online forums because I'm just too scared, since I know I'm more open and talkative online than I am offline as I find it easier to express myself in writing rather than face-to-face, which gives me higher chances of making a fool of myself/upsetting people. (Eww, run-on sentence... >_O; ) I've wondered if this could be avoidant personality disorder, but again, I don't like to self-diagnose.

Another thing is that I can never talk about these things with my friends and family, because I just feel far too guilty to burden them with my depressive rantings (having to put up with me every day is a big enough burden as it is... even I struggle to put up with me every day!), so even if I write about it in my diary, I often find that I'm still miserable, because I want to talk to someone, but I just can't, which obviously doesn't help things. It's guilt and fear that stop me from saying anything... heck, I even felt guilty when I said at the beginning of this post that I've been 'suffering' from some sort of depression, because I don't feel like I've actually been through any 'real' suffering, like rape, torture, etc. I often feel like I'm just some angsty emo little Avril Lavigne clone who should just shut up and get on with it.

Okay, this is becoming kinda rambly and nonsensical... I never was good at essays and the like, heh. But well, do you think that, judging from my poor attempts at explaining my situation, I might possibly have avoidant personality disorder, or is this normal and nothing to worry about? It sure as hell doesn't feel normal, but meh, I'm probably wrong.

Thanks to all those who bother to read all of my wall of nonsense! ^_^;

You write well and sound intelligent, so I think you should give yourself some credit for at least a reasonable degree of social functioning. I wouldn't be able to even hazard a guess as to your specific problem, but a basic rule of thumb for knowing when to seek therapy is "does it interfere with your day-to-day life." You say you are afraid to get a job, so in this case, yes, it does. The feeling unreal is a classic symptom of dissociation. I would find a therapist, if I were you. Try not to worry; you are communicating, you are functioning, and that's what matters. One day at a time.

I don't want to add words unto the others' posts but it doesn't necessarily mean you have a serious mental illness,or could we call being put aside at the age of 13 or 18 a sickness--unhapiness is a sickness?
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it might appear that economically your family is comfortable and you are the blacksheep,and no one in your family wants to hear of your "bad" feelings of inferiority complex which I wouldn't qualify as being a mental illness,rather a psychological problem or situation
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looking for love in another person,so we can feel better about ourselves or perhaps cure our ill feelings is perhaps & probably is a very temporary thing,love is buried deep into your self or consciousness;your essence,if it is buried deep it is not at the forefront,anyways........
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by avoiding people I have ruined my whole life,half of which is over-age-wise-making the same step will produce the same results as I have-I understand this appears as words to you,but think of it !-their is flesh&blood & a life wasted here (that of myself)---spending your time in front of a screen complaining about false diagnosis will give the result of a dog running after its tail--LIFE IS OUT THERE --I do not mean any disrespect to other forum participants-but you are young,more than you realize,your whole life is not wasted YET
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PLEASE do not listen to your tendencies
if you have more questions-go to the core-ex:what can I do to calm the mind & emotions?