end of rope

I don't know what to do. My mind is going. I can't think straight, everything is a blur. A violent blur.

I can't be alone, I feel abandoned, I feel dead. I feel as though I am becoming dependent on my husband , but there is no one else in the world I can go to or talk to, nobody cares or understands, and half the time he doesn't either. It is a very very lonely existance.

A month or two ago, I swore I wouldn't kill myself for his sake and the sake of the dogs, but the pain and embarressment are becoming overwhelming.

I look around and see others LIVING, while I am slowly dying, dying from memories, trauma, neglect, loneliness,and just sheer boredom. my life is passing me by, and I have nothing to show for it , but the past memories of the good things I tried to do, but got no credit for them. My mom doesn't even remember half my life. She didn't even remember me going to college/ Now once again I am being pushed aside for others in her life, something she is good at. I've always tried to be good, but
with my mental instability, things just don't seem to work out. Everything I do is stigmatized to the 'disorder'. No one sees me for who I really am , or who I try to be. Good.

All I want is love, and I am terrified of it. It hurts. Sometimes I believe I am the only one who truely knows what love is. I give it whole heartedly, and then am rejected or lied to. There has to be someone out there who understands, that I can stand to be around with being triggered.

I used to have so many dreams and hopes, they are all shattered now. I live in this hell hole, and am stuck. I want a new home, one to call mine and L's , where we can make a home together, not one that I see ghosts of the past and bad everywhere I look. I want to live in the country. I want my walls white and my floors wood. I want a garden of flowers and one vegetables. A picket fence, and bradford pears everywhere. I want a home with a fireplace, and new beds and furniture. I want a car or van that runs, so we can travel.

L's job is going thru negotiations and I'm scared. Why can't I get out of here. Why is my ex boyfriend ( who has his name on the house and won't take it off, even thoought it was mine years before our engagement being so cruel. He has a new home. Why can't he allow me the same happiness. Is it a vendeta? Should I pull up the carpet , linoleum, wood work, sell my things, put in a jet tub, paint, landscape, add on, and call this home. NO!! Everyone knows where i live. I want away. To a home that smells new. One with a front porch swing, yellow with white shutters, flat, with a garden spot. New furniture, no memories, but new ones. No drugs. No alchohol. Just happiness.

I'm ready to start over, I need to start over, this house is possessing me. I can't even sleepin my bedroom with my husband. That room is the 'rape' room( from my ex husband), and he doesn't understand. I hate my neighbors.

I want trusting friends over for bbq's, not ones with kids.
I want to travel, and I am stuck with 2 broke down cars.

We've worked so hard to establish credit, but what for, we can't pay the bills. Do I dare go back to work and if so doing what? I came so far, to go back now. But I am getting older , and my choices are limited.

I feel ugly and fat, thanks mom for the brainwashing you still do today about appearances.

I know everyone wants to win the lottery, but we must. MY life depends on it. I need L. I have no one else. And his job takes him away from me, like a mistress and I hate it.

I'm so tired of the doctors, 'YOu have this, you have that', well maybe I do, but I am still human, not a monster to be hidden in the closet from all who know me. I didn't ask for this, I don't want this. ###$ those who did this to me, I have no forgiveness for your self centered motives. I was a child for God sakes. Maybe times were different, but God bless the children, brought up like me.

So many quesitons and no answers. It drives one wildly crazy. I feel like a jigsaw puzzle with the pieces gone.

I need someone to talk to , but I don't trust the system. I'm tired of the system. I walk out sicker than when I went in. I don't want to lash up those cruel unjust memories, who's gonna change anything. Who will bring my babies back to me. I need a place to go to visit them. I need to name them. I loved them from the moment I conceived.But they are in heaven now, and I am baron

L and I are growing apart. I blame him for me being mother less. I loved him enough to not burden him with children, but what about my dreams. I dreamt of being a mother since I was 2. I practiced, and practiced, and then I was cursed.

Does anyone know what it feels like to have a mother/father, stepfather that dispise you for your condition, that they gave me, though they would never admit to any wrong doing. When I try to talk to them they say they don't want to talk about it, and my stepfather, I wouldn't dare confront him, he scares me to this day. He cuts like a knife and I am so brainwashed and sensitive that it hurts to bad, plus he LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So much has happened to me in my life, bad bad things that it would take years to talk to a therapist about it, and I hate being on the clock and having to pay someone to listen who doesn't care, nor wore my shoes.

I want to ask them
Have you been abandoned by your dad?
Have you been brainwashed and lied to to cover the truth of your mother being a mistress for 5 years?
Have you been your mothers councelors with explicite details?
Have you been raped at 4?
Molested by your grandfather5-6 ?
By your uncle in the same house as your grandfather5-7?
Have you been shoved around from family member to member while your mom slutted around and drank?
Did your dad leave you at 1 or 2, stories never been straight, or did he leave me at all. or was he killed?
Did your mother try to kill you twice?yes
Were you beat evernight for spots on the dishes?
Did you get to be a kid and go with your friends, or even have friends? I couldn't I was isolated and I call it the Cinderella sydrome.

Did you wear garage sales clothes, while your younger brother wore designer clothes?
Did you run away only to run into any violent relationship, then another one in 2 years. both were marriages before 19/
Were you raped 8 times. 2 of which were 3rd marriage rapes.

Have you had to give oral sex to get your paycheck that you already earned.
Have you had your nose broke, ribs, fingers, vagina walls, thrown thru walls, starved and lived in allies, lived in self help center basements 3 times, because your parents wouldn't let you come home?

Have you been married 4 times?
Have you been lost 3 babies?
Have you given up everything just to be accepted and loved and still no results, but heartache and beatings.

HAve you spent 4 years in disability court to get 388$
Have you even b een dx's wit h bipolar.borderline personality disorder, ppd, agoraphobia, panic attacks, anxiety, possible schizophrenia with paranoid feature, ptsd


Do you know what is it is like to want to die, but you can't do it because you don't want to burn in hell.

Have you even sold you soul to the devil to have peace in this life and revenge on those who hurt you?
And then pray that God will for give you?

Have you even had a gun to your mouth if you didn't perform oral sex on my last rapist after fighting him off for 2 hours and no one believed you, because of your mental history..

Have you worked years to build a business to lose it to your ex husband, building it from the concrete up by hand and rakes, bought a home, planned and planned, for children for him to run off with a friend and have a child in a year after trying for 5?

This is just the beginning of the story. There is so much more , so much more.

I was taken from m y biological fathers parents that I adored more than life at 9. mother signed papers so I could never have anything from them when they died/

Do you have 4 brothers that won't write or speak to you or share my neices life with me. The closest thing to my own children.

I am so alone. So confused with my rapid thoughts of my traumas. Nightmears every night. Waking up crying.

No meds but the alprazolam has helped.

I tried alchohol when manic,
experimented with everything else to escape, but it doesn't make anything go away, I just made the wrong friends, but wrong friends then were better than no friends. ( Birds of feather)

Do you know what it is like to not be able to sleep for days, and then cry for weeks, wishing something divine would take me.

People say I have purpose, The only purpose I see if suffering.

I rage and rage and I rage, sometimes it helps relieve me of m y anger, other times I say and do things that cause me embarressment and anger and humiliation, and grief.

I have no way of expressing myself, I feel out of control of my life. I'm 43 and nothing has gotten better with dozen of pdocs and psychologist. Please Lord someone help me. the meds mess with my mind, cause me physical illness, hospitalization and horrific side affects. I' ve lost hope.

I am a burden to all I touch.

Ddee,

I'm SO sorry you are feeling this way. I am also sorry that I don't have the words or power to heal you. I wish I could take away your pain, wave a magic wand and wash all this away for you. I wish I had the perfect advice for you that you could read my words and say..."THAT'S IT! Yes, I'll do that!" and all your desires would be recognized and the pain would go away.

Obviously I don't have that. But I can say that I care very much about you from having come to know you through these forums. I will always be here to listen when you need a "shoulder" to lean on, so to speak. I can offer up my prayers and send my cyber hugs. And I do just that.



You mention near the end of your post that you have no way to express yourself. You have done so BEAUTIFULLY here. You wrote of things very well. I'm sure there are many that will come here that can benefit from many aspects of what you have shared. I think, at the very least, your purpose is teaching others. Being a support link for others. By being able to share you let others know they are not alone.

When you talk of wanting something new and being able to pick up and move away. What is keeping you from doing just that? Does your husband not wish to do this? Financial reasons? Can you afford to leave the house you currently live in and move somehwere different even if possibly you can't afford your dream? Could you afford to at least change the walls around you? Does making even the small changes help?

I don't have the perfect or even right words to offer up. But I'll offer up that I care, my hugs, and my prayers.

-Angel
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))

ddeehopes,

I think you may not have any mental illness of any kind. Any one who has gone through even half the things you have would have all sorts of anxiety and mood swings.

You have done an excellent job of describing the negative in your life today and in the past. It is a miracle that you have made it this far. You have a lot of courage. You are a saint for trying to help others on this forum.

I believe we have to look at the demons in our past. We can't deny them or change them. They happened. We did not cause them, and we can't control them. You feel overwhelmed, because you are overwhelmed. Anyone would feel oveerwhelmed with life if they had your life.

What are the solutions? You have discovered that the doctors do not have the greatest of answers. I think we have to first accept what has happened, then slowly, one day at a time change our lives. We need to try to carve out at first just a few minutes with ourselves--being good to ourselves. Then we need to slowly build on it. You are going to hate to hear this, but we all need to write a gratitude list. On top of it are the friends of this forum who want to help you. Inventory your body. Do you have all your limbs, all your fingers, all your toes? I know a lot of people who are missing some things. Can you see and hear? Some people can't. Do you have a speech defect. Are you 100-200 pounds overweight? I'm telling you these things because they are what I have to do.

You have made an excellent inventory of the bad in your present and past life. Try to look at the other side. They must be some good somewhere in your life.

I have a beautiful yard and vegetable garden that costs me next to nothing. There are many ways of growing things with little money. For many years, I lived in a mobil home with a small lot. However, I made it a beautiful thing by planting annals and bulbs. With loving care, the bulbs multiplied until I had hundreds of dafadils and croccoses. In a few years, I had more spring bulbs then anyone else in the town. Most of all the gardens made me feel better. Planting a few flower seeds can make a world of difference in your life. If you can't afford a few seeds, I will send you plenty. My garden overflows with extra stuff.

We have to be careful of our mind rolling along too fast and too far in just one direction. You need to force yourself to adjust your attitude. No one can deny that you have had a real rough life. We feel sorry, and we will be praying for you. But somehow, you have to acccept your world then resolve to build a different one. You need to get a dream. You need some hope.

I have had some really rough times, but my life is and has been beyond my wildest dreams for a long time. Like you, I had to cry over my past, then let it go. I had to surround myself with positive people--they told me to stick with the winners. Some people will never give me praise--no matter what I do. The main difference between you and I is that I am a guy and guys do not get raped as much as girls. I've wanted to give up many times. I wanted to kill myself for month after month. I saw no hope for anything. At one time for months I was just about catonic--I just sat in a chair all day staring ahead. People's lives can and do get better.

Good luck. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you.
Jim S

God bless you both for writing . praying and not judging.

By the way Jim I am 100 lbs overweight, , but anyway. I needed to vent, and this is my home away from home .

The moderators here such as you and Angel are so understanding and I am so lucky to have such support.

I feel sometimes as a moderator I have to be strong and always have the answers, but I too am just human with some bad issues, like the rest of the world, mine no worse or better.

I go to a psychologist tomorrow, I faxed him my letter that I put here and they wanted me in as soon as possible. I have a hard time letting go of these , to me, horrific events. They haunt me.

I don't want to go to the hospital, like everyone, it scares me. So I will keep on keepin' on, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, and pray the good Lord will look after me, as he always has obviously.

Your words meant so much to me today, I cried, just knowing someone listened and cared.

I got a private message last night after posting ironically, it was already there but hadn't openedit, and the person asked in so many words why I was here in the forum, I seemed to have no mental issues. There's that mask again. Learned to wear it young to avoid confrontation and stigma, and to hide from the world.

We are all here for a reason, helping eachother is mine, I hope that my story does help. That alone would make me smile.

love and hugs, dd

Something struck me about both you Ddee, and you Jim, as I read your posts here. You both have such an EXCELLENT way w/ words. Jim...some of your reply to Ddee, I felt like I was reading from a book...not just a post on a forum. Have either of you ever considered putting your story into a book? I really believe you both have so much to offer people that are dealing w/ things you have gone through. Talk about your struggles ....talk about how you got to where you are....there are many angles you could write from..............I hope both of you appreciate w/in yourself the good you have done even just right here. Ddee...that might seem hard for you right now....I was shocked to hear about the tone of the PM sent to you....that person needs to be directed to read more on this site written by you.

I don't have good advice or answers as Jim can offer you. My struggles in life are not the same as yours....nor as great. But as I said...I can and will always offer up that I care and I'll listen. I really believe in you and see what a great person you are. I also believe that at the very least....God has you here as a teacher. Yes, it sucks the lessons you had to learn in order to be able to teach....but I believe ...again even if just a small part of the why....that you are here to teach others ...show them from where you have been and that they are not alone. To continually learn new ways to better your life and rise up from the ashes of your past.....and then pass that on to others...in many forums. This forum ...I feel you have served those here very well!

Angel. ( I still just love that name)^i^,

I just wanted to return your compliment.

The wonderful thing about you , or one of the wonderful things is, your ability to encourage others and never be negative. That is such a precious gift. One that is so needed in this world. I have never read a reply from you that you didn't give the most loving responses to those in need. You take time out of your day to look deep into the soul of people. Your name fits you so well. I appreciate you as I know many many other members do too.

I've tried writing my story, then I feel .............. what makes me any different than others ...........and I sit it down. Until I can unrepress many of my memories I couldn't write it correctly.

JimS has an excellent website with his story, I hope you have a chance to check it out, if you haven't already. I don't know how he is so strong with his bipolar, but 2 thumbs up for someone who fights the battle and wins day by day. He has some excellent advice. It may work for some, but my bipolar and Bpd are so dominating I can't control them, tho I want to so badly. I am however currently on no meds. They clog my mind, and numb my senses. Maybe because I don't know anything else, but mania, rage and dyphoria, and occasionally horrific depression, that thoroughly consumes me.

But not to ramble on. I just wanted you to know the respect I have for your soft words of encouragement. Any child or sister or mother, or brother would be so lucky to have you as family .

Don't ever change. And thank you again for being there and listening.

Thank you ddee! Your compliments made my day!!! Although I have had some replies to people that were not so nice!! Some were deserving and sometimes not but then I always try to go back and apologize if I realize later I was wrong!

I wondered if Jim had his story somewhere....I will check out his site!!!

You are special. You don't have to feel like "what makes me so different from others". Don't look at it that way. You've been through a LOT....so have others out there...but that's just it....you can share w/ those people so they realize they are not alone....they can take from where you have been and the things you've done to get this far and use that in their own lives in a positive way!!

((((((Sista))))))

I think you are a fantastic person, so loving and caring.
I'm sorry you are going through a rough time here honey.
I'm sorry I'm short for words... I'm here if you need to talk.

Luv ya.

ddee,
I think you must be a very strong woman to have even lived through the heartbreaking and cruel things you listed. I'm sorry you are going a rough time right now. Hopefully things will begin to change....or at least the way you are now feeling will pass.

(((Take care)))
Kathy

Thank you for the kind words. I did write a book with my experiences with my many problems. I tried to have it published as a regular book, but I ran out of patience. It could take years to get a book published. I chose to publish online. But I had little money, actually no money to spend on my project. So I went to the library, obtained some books, and taught myself HTML. Then, I made my own website to put my book on free and availabe to anyone. Over the years, I wrote a number of articles about various topics like about famous people who have had mental illness, how the meds actually work in our brains, and how the words to songs help with depression. I also listed a number of sites that I think could help others.

While not 100% against drugs, I try to encourage people to use nondrug methods instead of or with drugs. These other methods have worked for myself and others. There is much scientific evidence to show that they work. I'm talking about exercise, sunlight, self-help groups, and cognitive therapy.

I like to try to help others with my experience, but I'm a bit disappointed with the response to my efforts. It just seems that people today would rather just take pills--they are surely easier than jogging or sitting in meetings listening to others.

I'm not gifted; I have a great deal of experience. I've attended thousands of 12-step meetings. After being active in Recovery, Inc. for many years, I took their training and served as a group leader for 5-6 years. Recovery, Inc. taught me how to function no matter how depressed or anxious that I feel. I have had a fair amount of material published in self-help magazines. I try to help others because I have received so much from others. I'm also greedy--it has been proved to me that the more I try to help others the more I get. I was thinking of what I said about sending Deedee some seeds. Actually, if she can hold on for a few months, I can fill her yard up with spring flowers. Each year I give away many 5-gallon buckets of bulbs. I think one year I gave away 7 buckets of bulbs. My flowers just grow and grow. I believe thay represent one of my many gifts from God.

Sometimes, I almost forget how sick I used to be. People like me who once believed they were Jesus usually do not stay loose for very long--we are locked away and/or put on heavy medication for the rest of our lives---for the public good. Yet, I have accumulated numerous awards and honors from my community, my college, and my place of employment. I think my bipolar condition worn down. I used to swing up and down all the time. After a while it was less and less. Today, I'm probably close to normal most of the time. I think it takes a long time for the cycles to just go down--in the meantime it can be hell. AA's idea of one day at a time works for many things, especially mental illness. Somehow, I think using our bipolar illness to accomplish things may be important. I feel like I have a lot of energy and vision because I am bipolar. I can use these traits to self-distruct or I can employ them to help me do things. Walking that thin line between self-distruction and achievement can be frightening at times. I have to be constantly aware of ending up too close to the edge. Many people can't or will not believe how sick I was for so long. But all I have is my story.

Sorry, if I wrote too much. DeeDee I'm glad you are in a better mood. I've been thinking of you all day. This is the first time I could get to a computer; I walk to a library to get online.
Good Luck,
Jim S