How to help a kleptomaniac?

Hi,
I'm new here. My boyfriend of three years just confessed to me that he is a kleptomaniac.
I am hurt, and was really mean to him when he was telling me, we even broke up, he said that I don't deserve him and that he doesn't want me getting in trouble because of what he does.

There is one thing that he said that scares me, he asked me not to tell his mom, I said that I thought she should know so she could help, but then he said that she would hate him, and he would hate me, and that there wouldn't be a good reason to be alive if he lost both of us!!!!! Should I tell her? Should I wait and see how it goes? I'm afraid.....

I've done some reasearch now and realize this is an illness.
I want to help him, I love him so much, I know him and I know he is not a bad guy.
He says he has joined a group of people with the same problem, so at least I know he wants help....I can't attend the meetings, they are 2 hours from where I live and I really can't fix my work/school schedules....

Anyone with the same problem, how to approach him? how to address this issue? How to deal with it?


Please help!!!

Hi there. I don't feel that you have a responsibiity to tell your bf's mother about his stealing - unless he is underage. He confided in you and that was likely a very huge step. Something I would do, though, is to make sure he IS getting help somewhere. If there is any way at all that you could get to the meetings - at least sometimes - that he attends, I would do it. You will want to know if he really is going to them if he says he is and you're basing your continued relationship on that.

This behavior is NOT personal to you. If he lies or continues to steal, it doesn't really have anything to do with you - it has everything to do with him, his decisions, his demons. But it ISN'T personal. It can be addictive and often stems from a sense (in most cases, justifiable) that life has been unfair. I hope he benefits from the meetings he told you about. And I hope you are well too. Rita

I have been dating my boyfriend for just 8 months now, we are madly in love and I think the world of him but the other night his parents sat me down and told me alot of things he had done in the past and most of them included stealing, now since i have been going out with him afew things have been going missing but i havent suspected him, but after hearing from his parents I feel he may be a kleptomaniac. I get the impression from my boyfriend that he feels his parents dont care or love him as much as they do his sibling and think this is where it has all stemed from. I cant approach him about it as i dont think he realises it yet, I dont know how to handle or cope with it, I dont want to end our relationship as i feel we have something special and i want to help him. Can anyone out there give me some advise please?

What do you mean "unless he is underage"? I really don't like the word "underage", and think it's mean, but if his parents have legal control over him (which is wrong) then that's even more reason not to tell his mom!!!! If someone said something like that to either of my parents and they tried to do something (and if I was <18 yrs.), I would leave the state and refuse to see either parent ever again.

If was not "underage" why would he even care if his mom knew? The nicest thing you can do for anyone younger than 18 is not to tell their parents about anything. Their parents are able enough to destroy their entire lives without any extra weapons.

AnnaD112 wrote:If was not "underage" why would he even care if his mom knew? The nicest thing you can do for anyone younger than 18 is not to tell their parents about anything. Their parents are able enough to destroy their entire lives without any extra weapons.

this sounds like you are underaged. most parents only want to help their children, not "destroy their entire lives."

I have a friend that has that problem too, but I really can't tell if it's kleptomania or a anxious disorder... She has gone through a lot, with a absent who knows where father, an alcoholic mother and living with an aunt that makes her a cleaning lady/made/babysitter/17 grade student... This girl has no time for herself. I suspected about her problem since a year ago, when I found a cell phone missing from my house and she had it but we took it as a mistake... A misunderstanding, as she had a similar one at the time. Now, some months later I overheard a conversation she had with her sister, and her sister mentioned things disappearing to be found at their house. Suspition grew stronger, but I kinda let it go... She's a great person and I love her, but she has other issues like cutting herself, sticking needles in her skin during classes... And 2 days ago, she gave me a letter and told me to open it alone. She told me she was so very ashamed of herself, and thought of killing herself. She had taken my digital camera off my bedroom when she had been in my house the day before... And said she couldn't look me in the eyes and tell me that. She also said she was sitting in her room, at home, realising what she had done to someone she loved... And her aunt walked in. And asked whose camera it was. And took it away, saying that the owner should come and get it from her, after talking to her. So with a 1,30 hour lunch hour, I went to the other side of town, got it, whitnessed a ugly family arguement and got questioned by her aunt in an unpleasant way, then walked to the other side of town where I live, went home, cooked lunch, ate, cleaned up the house, got my books, and went to school, getting to class before other colleagues that were there already... This in a day that I had P.E. in the morning and Ballet+Modern class in the afternoon... After that I got a story from another colleague: they were toghether, and were in the girl's house... Then went to get her brother and take him home and all. While in the kid's school, she drops a 2 Euro coin... Says that she got it from her cousin to eat. Now this other friend that was with her... Had a 2 euro coin that she got from me. And said she didn't spend it. But didn't have it after seing that friend. The proof are solid and there, I just don't know how to help her... None of us do. She says that if her aunt finds out, she'll go to an institution and won't be able to see her brother... So we're clueless. We're thinking of going to local free psychological counselling... We're not sure of what she has because she leans to steal money, 400 dollar worth cameras and expensive cell-phones....

Being mean to him was probably the worst thing you could have done. I mean to be quite honest. I just told a friend that I've been stealing things for 5 years and that i didn't know if something was wrong with me. See, I took so much time trying to figure out who to tell. It had to be someone who cared a lot about me, who would try to help me out, and in return not tell anyone unless i wanted others to know.

I went to my friend because if I told my parents they would unnessarily start over thinking everything that I do. Say i told them i was out with my friend to the mall, they'd get uneasy over all the things i could steal. And i know they'd be helpless in trying to figure out how to help me.

What's worse is if i told them, and they started lecturing me? The guilt, embarrasement and apparent disapointment that i'd get from them would only make me feel worse and probably trigger that need to take something even more.

If you've been with him for 3 years, you've probably found that he isn't a bad person, and he probably knows that too. but he probably couldn't figure out for the life of him why he steals.

Believe me when i say it's addictive, and after doing it for so long it becomes second nature.

If you feel any emotion or reaction to anything i've just said, then sincerely apologize to him and tell him you were a little thrown off and couldn't comprehend how the person you love so much actually steals on a regular basis.

From his perspective i understand completely, and i understand completely to the way you acted. If i weren't a klepto i might have done the same thing. but taken both sides of the story, you need to sincerely be able to listen to him and not judge. you have no idea how much support helps. which is why he might isolate you from his support group, because those people didn't jump at conclusions and overreact.

If he trusts you enough to tell you that, then you're really important to him, someone he can come to to talk to. Don't screw it up because his actions freak you out. He needs you to try and understand where he's coming from.

It might help to tell him that you've stolen something before too.. if you've ever done that. It'd be a step in the right direction cause he'll know he's not the only one.

Let us know what happens :)

Guest wrote:

AnnaD112 wrote:If was not "underage" why would he even care if his mom knew? The nicest thing you can do for anyone younger than 18 is not to tell their parents about anything. Their parents are able enough to destroy their entire lives without any extra weapons.

this sounds like you are underaged. most parents only want to help their children, not "destroy their entire lives."

Yes but the fact that parents want to help them out doesn't mean they will always do it effectively, which is why it's harder to tell them. Parents tend to overreact, even when they actually do sit down and calmly talk to you, their mind is generally overthinking similar situations they've been through, considering therapy, how would it look if other parents found out.

Parents may even consult other people in the family so the situation doesn't get past the family walls. But then aunt/uncles/cousins find out about this one thing and the poor kid suddenly has people talking about him and he has no idea.

And if the parents don't want to let it go past immediate family, at times they will be tempted to use it as leverage to get the kid to do what they want. Unintentionally at most times, but it's more 'i have something over your head' "you're a good kid but..."

You're probably thinking from a parent's perspective and that makes sense i agree with you, but i'm speaking from the effects of telling a parent. It's two seperate things, and if you're a parent that has an open communication system with you're child, then great. But not all do, and we have no idea how it is with this guy. and if he asked her not to tell his mom, then it's not as clear as you idolize it to be.

When the guy is confortable with telling his parents and has the support behind him to do so, he will, or at least he might. It's easier to come to a source that will have a more predictable reaction than to tell a parent and have them trust you less, or worser yet, be disappointed in you.

Let him build support behind him. Let him try to figure out what's going on, because it's based on his comfortability level, not what you assume it is. When it feels right, he will act accordingly so.

OK hold on there is something people need to understand. Before you start bad mouthing ANYONE with Kleptomania you had better start thinking of how much you screw up without even being classified as something. So there is 1 post on here I am replying to and I speak for everyone who has been wronged.

"Hi there. I don't feel that you have a responsibiity to tell your bf's mother about his stealing - unless he is underage. He confided in you and that was likely a very huge step. Something I would do, though, is to make sure he IS getting help somewhere. If there is any way at all that you could get to the meetings - at least sometimes - that he attends, I would do it. You will want to know if he really is going to them if he says he is and you're basing your continued relationship on that.

This behavior is NOT personal to you. If he lies or continues to steal, it doesn't really have anything to do with you - it has everything to do with him, his decisions, his demons. But it ISN'T personal. It can be addictive and often stems from a sense (in most cases, justifiable) that life has been unfair. I hope he benefits from the meetings he told you about. And I hope you are well too. Rita"

Listen here, first of all the fact that he might be a Kleptomaniac should just be called a "klepto" and not referred to as "stealing" because where as a person who is not a klepto will take something that isn't theirs and then that does make them a thief, but on the other hand a person who has a Kleptomania problem isn't taking things for profit but more out of the stemmed roots of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) With that being said I think RITA here has had some bad experiences with either stealing herself or being stolen from. Why else would she say he has "demons", or is automatically a liar? Did you know that most people who have actually made it to a licensed professional who has diagnosed them as Kleptomaniacs are not prone to lying? In fact, if you research deep enough you'll find that there have been studies to show the habits of a Klepto and more than not people have no problem telling others of this problem. Look at Vicko's B/F...he told her and she is someone so what is there to say? RITA you need to quit assigning people with problems over to the "bad list" so to speak because this is a problem yes but it is also cure-able and not that bad.....there are Serial Killers in the world and you want to read what little bit Vicko wrote and assume that her B/F isn't making the meetings like he says he is....I mean WHAT THE ###$??!?! He admitted to her that he has this problem why the hell would he lie about going to the meeting? You think he is just nothing more than a thief and a liar and in all reality he is neither. SO get off of your high horse RITA and don't post anymore. People like you are rude no matter how nice you try to act...you have a problem and I suggest you find a thread that deals with pompous jerks who talk down to others. All I was saying was if someone is wanting help don't call them a liar if there wasn't proof that he lied in the paragraph that Vicko gave. Simple as that.