Not sure what I am dealing with

I am going to try to give as much background as I can so those that are familiar with the topic may be able to provide some guidance. Basic gist I think my 19 year old is suffering with Kleptomania.

I dated a girl as a late teen and we broke up but continued a casual relationship for sometime afterwards. She was in infatuated with me but I could sense something was wrong with her as far as compatibility so we never married, remained friends years afterwards but I would date her officially. She lived with someone else and continued a relationship with me when I was a late teen. She knew I wouldn't officially date her and became pregnant and told both me and the other guy the child was his. I wasn't aware she even had a child for sometime afterwards and had no reason to suspect it was mine. Fast forward child is 6 years old she calls me and needs a place to stay the night with her (and unknown to me then my) 6 year old child. The next morning when they were leaving he was coming down the hall of my house and I noticed his pockets were full of a child i had from another relationship's toys. I asked what he was doing and what was in his pockets and she quickly corrected him and removed the items (small cars etc.) from his pockets and they left.

Fast forward she leaves her live in boyfriend when her child is 10 and the live in asks for paternity test. Come to found out it is not his and in fact my son and a DNA match.

I tried to become involved put its not real easy to develop a relationship with a 10 year old that was made to believe someone else was his dad. After continued attempts he came over a few times and was never comfortable not matter how hard we tried and he eventually refused to come. My relationship with his mother was always unique. We dated and continued a relationship for quite sometime off and on until I finally kept it just friends well over 13 years ago or so. We never fought it court and I sent her money for him and carried insurance. So we do not and have never had a fighting relationship or where we harbor ill feelings towards each other so this isn't the typical case of the ex and kids suffer because of it. What I will say he she always went with whatever best was best for her. Her next b/f and subsequent husband was not happy about her contact with me and so I think he was the one that discouraged my son to avoid contact with me and my family and I gain this by stuff that has been said by several others. Apparently her and her family used me to beat him over the head when the husband isn't meeting expectations. The environment they my ex and her husband) provide is both a now heroin junkies who do not work and kind and manipulate others including family out of money to keep their utilities on and eat. For years they would have my son call me and be the pawn for requests of additional money to feed their crap. Now that he is older I am not willing to participate. And its not that I have a personal animosity towards them other than they are both dealing with their own demons that I cant allow to creep into my house. I am married with two small disabled children at home to provide for.

About 2 years ago my son tried to establish contact with me and I tried to show him a better path that what he knew. Paid for a drivers license class, bought him clothes, cell phone that wasn't pre paid not always being cut off etc. Just trying to show him there is a better life out there if you work for it. His maternal grandmother who I have a good relationship with told me his problem is that my ex has never enforced any rules on him. He has been allowed to quit school bc he wanted to sleep. He was never forced to work. no one was ever allowed to discipline him and he was treated as a king with no rules. Now those chickens are coming home to roost. I have also been told that he has always stolen from friends and family and that when stuff is missing its always that he was around. His mother with her drug addiction is now the same way. I am told by others that she actually harasses him to live in her house for money to buy her drugs forces him to sell drugs to supply her and her husband and encourages him to rob others by breaking into homes and cars to feed their habit.

So I began developing rules and making him work to provide him with nicer things. It wasn't long before he quit contact and actually on the phone when I confronted him tried to insult me so he could justify his actions. I confronted him over not working, drug use, making doctors appointments he requested, not going to classes for his GED he requested that I look into for him and not attending the driving classes to get his license he asked me to pay for. So I told him I was not going to chase him down a black hole and we didn't talk for almost 2 years until now. When I confront him I am careful to be direct and stern but not to harsh because my wife says she can see when I tell him stuff he seems afraid. I am twice his size in weight and much taller and don't have a good ability and not being stern.

He stopped by the house to apologize and then 3 weeks later got arrested for multiple attachments that he racked up over the last 2 years which was the exact reason I confronted him to start with bc of the path he was on.

So now that contact was established, he is now expecting a child with is 17 year old girl friend (legal in our state) but still another added stressor. He asked me to help him. My wife and I allowed him and the preg g/f on a temporary basis to move into our home and agreed to help him get back on the correct path but he had to show an effort on his own. From spending time with him I can tell he is missing all the basic fundamentals most have to reason, hold a jobs and just general basics to get by. So I have tried to talk with him in a matter of fact way and make him realize that he needs to make a good name for himself and not continue his ways. That no one will ever want someone around them who steals everything they have. I have read police reports where he is accused visits peoples houses and used the bathroom and unlocked it with the intent to come back later and break in to steal.

I had 2 old phones in my computer bag from years ago where none were really worth anything and kept for emergency back ups. I mean one is so old they didn't come with camera and date back to 2006 or prior and I am unsure they even still work and I think was purchased for 20.00 new as a package.

I also had an old cracked screen I phone in there worth about 50.00 to sell. They came up missing and when my wife confronted him he admitted to going into my private bag in my room and stealing the phone when we wasn't home. He wouldn't admit to the other phones he stole out of the same bag. Recently my grandmothers was missing 90.00 out of her purse when he visited her house that he denied taking as well.

My issue is this. In my family we do not steal especially from each other. With confidence I can say that if I left a million dollars in cash on a counter top with a member of my family it would be left untouched even if I wasn't home. Theft is against everything my family has instilled in us since birth and as we grew up. It really has nothing to do with the cell phones bc I would have given him them if he has asked. The funny thing is I know he stole them between Dec 25 and Dec 31. I gave him 200.00 in cash and his gf another 100.00 for Christmas the morning of the 24 when they woke up. So he had money. He isn't required to pay for anything at my house including food when we go out to eat. My only rule is he start saving his pay checks so he can get a place for him and his g.f and new baby that I agreed to help them with. I also got him a job where he has been going to work bc I told him I wasn't going to participate if he wasn't going to wake up and at least go to work. He has been spending his money on things like radios for his car his uncle bought him and other stuff that is not needed opposed to saving his checks. So I have been on him about that and managing money since I know it is a trait he hasn't had or been shown by his mother and would take some time. So in a nutshell I have been laying out cash for lawyers to address his legal woes from all this, he has wracked up 5 felonies between his theft and drug dealing since he turned 18 a year ago and could earn him a life sentence if convicted of them.

So he knows I am doing everything in my power to provide him a place to live and provide future support when he moves out, he has no bills at my house and I gave him cash in addition to giving him a few dollars here and there when asked as he is supposed to be saving money and his paychecks are normal from his recently acquired job. And he lives in my house bill free. So there is no financiual need to steal from me and I had just given him 300.00 between him and his g.f .and within days he stole phones. When confronted by my wife he said he was desperate and stole the phone but was going to put it back and didn't know how. He returned the phone to her. The others he denied taking and are gone I assume.

I was angry when confronted and just in disbelief that after doing so much for him he would do that without any reason. I confronted him and told him to get out of my house. That if it was a life of theft he wanted then he could go back to his mothers or wherever he had to go but I was not going to put myself or other family members where we would have the privacy of our personal belongings stolen and weekly inventory taken because he decides. I went back through all the help we have provided him and told him I was too angry to discuss it further for him to have taken advantage of us like that and that I would spend a few days thinking about it and would call him to discuss on what level my help was going to continue from here. I explained that I was not going to give up on him and would help but needed time to consider on what level that was going to be and it wasn't going to be in my house as he robs me blind on his terms. All he did was get tears in his eyes and put his head down. No apology or anything before they left. He went to his maternal grandmothers for now.

So aside from the fact that I have other family members to protect and my own belongings, my wife was told his mother has been harassing him from a distance for money to continue her drugs. So I cannot have my house robbed daily to support his mothers drug habit by proxy. At the same time sending him there sets him up for the continued path to jail in a house where drug use continues.

I carry health insurance on him but i'm unsure if and what kind of mental health issues im dealing with here if not multiple. He has anxiety and seems to be a kleptomaniac possible drug abuse and real rough upbringing. Any, thoughts, input or guidance is appreciated. I will more than likely to take him to a therapist but I am unsure if that where I start or if I should bring him straight to a psychologist?

I think that he absolutely needs to talk to a psych.. if he wants to.. and he does seem to want to straighten up a bit.

Baby steps are really important here though..

You two come from entirely different worlds.. he's living in his and has been brought up this way..
you trying to tell him that this isn't acceptable has to be really confusing for him.. he's been brought up in a world where he steals as a matter of course and indeed is even told to by his mother.

His behaviours are learned behaviours and have been instilled in him over the duration of many many years..
your rules are new and aren't engrained in him yet..

You also aren't really giving him a reason to want to change.. you're just telling him no and shaming him.

no one will ever want someone around them who steals everything they have.

^^ please please don't tell him this again.

Of course you can't have his stealing behaviours impacting on the rest of the family but try and word things so he knows that it's his behaviour you find upsetting.. not him as a worthwhile and loveable human being.

xx