How old are you ?

What do you mean if you make it so far?? Lively up yourself. Put a smile on that FACE! But not in the scary joker-ish way!

element wrote:What do you mean if you make it so far?? Lively up yourself. Put a smile on that FACE! But not in the scary joker-ish way!

because I live on a day-by-day basis and never know what will happen. Though so far, nothing much has happened during my 9 years of isolation, but again who knows what will come and I don't have the motivation or energy to speculate about or trying to predict the future.

If I smile, you'll see my fake smile as it's impossible for me to smile without pushing myself, which gives me the impression (because I can't feel internally) that I'm faking. Hard to believe/imagine but this is what I deal with every single day.

No it's not hard to imaging, but I am sorry that you are going through this. I often feel like living in isolation because i have such terrible anxiety and don't know how to talk to people. I think i do pretty well on here though, other than talking too much.

element wrote:No it's not hard to imaging, but I am sorry that you are going through this. I often feel like living in isolation because i have such terrible anxiety and don't know how to talk to people. I think i do pretty well on here though, other than talking too much.

it's not a problem for me because of my huge indifference and my constant aloof-state. I do find some things funny and occasionally do smile, BUT most of the time it's really hard to get me smile in a genuine way. I see people smile when they see another one and I wonder how they can do that.

I couldn't even remember when the last time was where I REALLY laughed with open mouth about something. Something HUGE inside of me is missing that prevents such action, and it's not because of depression or something. The thing that supposed to be there is just no longer there, it's like it took off from me and left me behind and too much time has passed by to know where it is and find it.

Did you lose something/someone? That would explain an emptiness such as the one you are explaining. Sometimes I feel very empty, but mine is a combination of depression and things from my past.

element wrote:Did you lose something/someone? That would explain an emptiness such as the one you are explaining. Sometimes I feel very empty, but mine is a combination of depression and things from my past.

No, I didn't. I endured the full length of my severe clinical depression, social phobia and psychosis without any medications or therapy (well I took meds but only for a few months and they didn't had an effect on me). This damaged my full emotional system in a way that it's no longer functional, hence making me a "half-person" and forcing me to act this way.

It's not an emptiness because emptiness is an emotion you feel or else you couldn't say it's empty - you feel that something is missing. By me, it's absolutely absent, as in, I recognize it on an awareness level. When I look inside, there is nothing there. I don't feel empty, I recognize something vital is missing.

Hm, that's interesting. I agree that emptiness is a feeling too though. There is actually a song about emptiness filling you or something like that...

element wrote:Did incorrigible ever post his age? I thought this was partly his idea. Incorrigible, are you out there? lol

hey element lol

yes, it was my idea, actually... i just told him I was gonna ask on the forums, and I asked him about his age before that..

I won't disclose his age publicly, as he obviously has his own reasons for not doing it here.

I'll just say he is the oldest one so far lol ( although he isn't ancient)

element wrote:Hm, that's interesting. I agree that emptiness is a feeling too though. There is actually a song about emptiness filling you or something like that...

Well, my condition is really hard to put in words. I've felt emptiness, and a lot of it, in the past, years ago during my depression, but now, it is just no longer there, along with everything else.

What remains is just my awareness and intellect, which can recognize that something vital is missing BUT at the same time does not long for it to come back. There is no emptiness inside because it is not present in me and even if it was, the feeling is not there in order to recognize it emotionally. It's absent, as in, ripped apart from me completely.

it's the same thing when I smile or laugh. I can do it, but inside the connection is missing and I often have to force myself and I can recognize it does not come naturally from the inside, it's fake. So most of the time, I default to a neutral mode, neither happy nor sad

I'm 17, I'll be 18 in august...