You know you're old when. . .

I've solved one of the great mysteries of life. I can die now. I finally know.


You're old when you're wearing one of those medic-alert bracelets and admit in public that you like John Denver's music.


That's it I guess. No more to say. Just please...don't put that on my tombstone.

People are constantly putting a mirror under your nose while you nap to see if you're breathing.

You finally find something you've been looking for, for ages but can't remember why you wanted it.

You get to work before you discover you forgot to get dressed.

You reach the toilet you forgot what you wanted to do.

Tightening your belt becomes uncomfortable under your armpits.

You can't finish a conversation, because you don't remember what you were talking about.

Your spare tire is larger than your car's.

You are abducted by aliens, but immediately returned in favor of a living specimen.

Your top three favorite pastimes involve sleep.

You are declined as an organ donor - you're told they're not sure if your organs are functional.

Most of your sentences begin with, "When I was your age..."

Bob Dole refers to you as, "old man."

Going to the bathroom at night used to require shoes, a candle and a corn cob.

The Smithsonian request your participation in an exhibit "The Evolution Of Man."

The fire department is requested to attend your birthday party in case the candles on your cake get out of hand.

George Burns calls to congratulate you on your birthday, saying, "It's just you and me, kid." Update: "Now it's just you, kid!"

The dictionary adds your picture under the definition of "octogenarian."

You had to get rid of your dog he kept trying to drag you to the yard to bury you.

Medicare states that you're too old for their coverage.

You can't be tried by a jury of your peers because there are none.

Universities inquire about your donating your body to science they are desperate for specimens of ancient civilizations.

You try to donate to a sperm bank but they insist they require live specimens.

Everyone is happy to give you a ride because they don't want you behind the wheel.

Your dentist is fascinated by your wooden dentures.

Your bifocals need bifocals.

You're not allowed on most of the rides at DisneyWorld because they may be too intense.

A passing funeral procession pauses to see if you need a lift.

You convince an attractive young lady to sleep with you but fail to convince your body parts to arise to the occasion.

Young girls feel safe in your presence knowing you couldn't possibly do anything.

Watching paint dry has a certain fascination.

Children often innocently ask you, "What did people do before electricity?" And you can't remember.

You can remember seeing double features for a nickel, sometimes with sound.

Charlton Heston comes to you for advice about his character, Moses, since you were there.

You are often asked to give a personal account of the story of creation.

You often repeat things...You often repeat things... You often repeat things...

You discover the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down.

And my worst one is singing Karen Carpenter songs in the shower.


My tombstone will read::: I have nothing left to say!!

. . . you bend over to pick something up, and look around to see what else you can do while you're down there.

You remember when Final Fantasy 12 was first announced.

I love this topic and Cassiel Awesome avator!!!!!! Looks like me on a really bad day.

You know your old when you remember Bette Davis as a beauty queen

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure, don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"


A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."


Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all
excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pill! s, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure, don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"

This one is so funny!! I laughed so hard, I can't wait to tell it to my friends

PinkAngel,
That last one, with the two elderly people getting maried...Well, i found it hilarios. I know just the right couple to show this to...he he

Sweetngentle

You collected S & H green stamps.

Bought little wax pop bottles filled with syrup.

You phone number began with a strange prefix like UN55555, or br549.

PinkAngel467 wrote:A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure, don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"


A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."


Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all
excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pill! s, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

PinkAngel, you should submit this to Laughter is the best medicine too. How funny!!!! LOL