Looking for help...i guess.

Hello all, Internet Dwellers.
I am "InsertFunNameHere"



I am currently looking for help as the 'subject' apparently said. I am 19 years old and counting
(That's if i don't jump off my balcony and die young). To get things started i will tell how my addiction first took place that is. My childhood was terrible, my grandma tried to drown me when i was 6 months, threw me in the river and thought i could swim, My father was and still is a terrible man, he'd abuse my mother, Luckily he is out of my life completely. Growing up in Primary school and Highschool everyone bullied me, whether i was fat or the tallest, or the quiet person who'd just sit far away from others drawing very terrible pictures and humming to some weird emo music that i'd listen back in the day.

I had "Friends" who were not very nice people, i would go on cruise trips with the nice part of my family who didn't have a crazy bipolar grandma trying to drown you because you weren't born a male. I would buy these "Friends" expensive gifts, jewelry. I would basically buy friendship but that wasn't the case infact these people used me and treated me like nothing.
(Invisible Ghost Pal here, what is it that you desire?) Midway primary school, when i tried out gaming and anime on pc, duh. Is when it all happened, the bullying, the abuse, it just made me depressed and secluded myself from the world. 3 years ago, after i left high school, i literally had no friends (still to this day) suffering from extreme social anxiety, where i just couldn't stand to be in crowded places, i would feel sick, and i would play games/watch movies/anime til 7am in the morning, sometimes i wouldn't sleep for days/weeks.

I have no inspiration, no dreams, no life, no friends, no goals, i am too afraid to drive a car. I don't want to grow up, I struggle in finding friends whether i try hard at social meetups for particular people. I've been to doctors who'd tell me to write down your goals and how to achieve them (OH WAIT I DON'T HAVE ANY!) Actually i lied about the no friends part, well i do have a best friend, recently. My only friend and that will live with me til the day she dies, (or i die) is my kitten.

I'm trying my best to give up or to not use the 'Sorcerer's Box' as much as i can, even though i have nothing to offer in life, and my interests doesn't help in society. My addiction has fried my brain to the point i think i might have a mild dimensia or amnesia. For me my life is just a big black hole filled with nothing but hell, negativity, depression, anxiety, introverted-ness, the capability to do nothing, get walked all over, feel shameful meanwhile lying in bed and thinking (Why am i here? What do i do here? What is life?) whilst eating a bag chips, living the life of my fattiest ugliest dreams".

So can anyone help me?

Hi,

I'll be honest with you - I don't have an internet addiction. I do like to spend hours on youtube a week but thats only when I get some down time. But when I read your post I just couldn't help but write this reply.

The fact that you have candidly typed up the problems in your life show that you are aware of the issues and have accepted that there is a problem. And every problem has a solution <- that is fact. I am sorry about your horrible family experiences and that you were unfortunate to have such un-genuine friends. But I know that all the experiences we have shape and mold us towards something bigger and better in life.

You needed an escape from all your ugly experiences and you found it in the internet (not the best option but there you go). In complete honestly you have let the negativity and horrible experiences in your life define you and I'm here to tell you that you don't have to do that.

Here are a few pieces of advice from me:

1. Let your experiences guide you to reflect, ponder and work towards answering the questions that are most important. You asked some of them already: Why are we here? What is life? What is our purpose in all of this? >> No one can answer there for you, they can tell you their answers for these questions but ultimately you have to find these on your own.
2. Don't accept horrible behaviour from anyone. You are a human and deserve to be treated as one. Yes, you have had to deal with a lot in your life and you are still finding your way but respect others and don't let anyone be disrespectful towards you.
3. Even though your experiences have made you aware that human nature can be awful and vile, don't forget that humans can also be compassionate and kind, and that everyone is going through their own journey in life that is filled with their own struggles and problems - just like you are. Think positively and open-mindedly about every situation in your life and that will bring positive things to you.
4.Your anxiety should not control you. Yes, it will take time and effort on your part but don't give up and don't let your negativity, anxiety and depression control your thoughts, behaviour and personality. You are powerful within yourself and have the potential to do as you wish.
5. Speaking about wishes and goals: You don't HAVE TO have them. But that doesn't mean you don't have them. In that tiny part of you that is locked up so tight inside, because you have been subjected to the harshness of humanity, you do have dreams and you do have wishes. Once you tap into that - everything else will burst through into your life and you will be amazed at yourself. I have seen it happening, but you have to believe in it.
6. Yes, belief. Everything can fall into place in your life if you believe. I can tell you that the grass in pink on my side of the island but if you don't believe it you will never see the shades on pink in the green grass. I have been struggling with my weight my entire life and have been made to feel inadequate because of it, but let me tell you that all those harsh words and misplaced concerns have gone in through one ear and out the next: simply because I don't believe that my weight has the capability of ruining my life. I don't believe that being fat makes me any less than anyone else. And I am much better off in my life with these positive beliefs.
7. Last, but by no means the least, you are beautiful in yourself. Don't let society dictate that being a certain size, shape and colour is the only stamp of approval you can get. We, as humans, are stronger and much more apt at survival because of our diversity. Accept yourself the way you are - that doesn't mean that you shouldn't work on your weaknesses and build up on your individual strengths. Accepting yourself for who you are means loving the way you are and knowing yourself inside out. It means not being selfish and jealous about want what you can't have, it means being positive and content with what you do have, it means striving and working hard to achieve what you can have. What these things are - you decide.

And yes, you will mess up in life. And yes, you will fall flat on your face at times. And yes, you will feel like life is punishing you for something you haven't done. But through it all you learn, you grow, you adapt and you become better both inside and out.

I hope you find it inside yourself to move above and beyond this part of your life. Please know that you aren't the only one and you are not in an impossible fix. I hope my words help you - I can assure you every word I have typed is out of honesty and concern. And I hope you feel better.

JustUniqueSarah