1st Post / Intro-thing

said first couple posts from newbies were moderated so
figured this was best way to get started ...

diagnosed Borderline at 14
diagnosed Intermitten Explosive at 20
at 20 was given Zyprexia .....that lasted 2 years ..
till the lawsuits of "if you've suffered
sudden death syndrome or diabetes from zyprexia call this number"
thing started.
Helped a little bit ...along with counsoling ...
episodes were less frequent but still same intensity.

Its been over 10 years ...unmedicated ...

and the frequency in increasing ...

so I'm here looking to converse with others and hopefully
learn a tip or two that could be helpfull in getting a handle on this ....

That is all, nice to find this forum and look forward to interacting.

I used to fight a lot and, sadly, have hurt a lot of people in my time. When I drank I got into fights all the time and enjoyed hurting people. Just to think about it would give me an adrenaline rush and much as I liked it could tell that wasn't a good thing.

A good friend of mine, who I had known since I was 8 years old, screwed me over in a major way about 16 years ago. The thought of getting even with him possessed me and I used to dream about catching him, choking him out, then letting him come to and doing it again.

It took me 2 years to catch him, but one night as I was watching TV it was like I heard a voice in my head telling me "if you get up now and start walking you can catch him walking home from work", and I did.

I came up on him on a dark, lonely street and threw a pool ball I had with me and hit him in the jaw, knocking him to the ground. I was crawling up on his chest to start choking him out, when his screams of "Help! Help! Call the police!" kind of snapped me back to reality and I let him up and took off running before the cops got there.

But it didn't change anything. I was so full of hatred, anger and rage that it was eating me up from the inside out. I had to learn to let it all go and when I did it was such a relief. For the first time in my life I was at peace with myself and haven't been in a fight since.

I can't tell you how to do it, only that if you don't somehow learn to let it go you'll not only end up hurting other people, you'll be the one to suffer most from it if you don't.

GatoClaws wrote:so I'm here looking to converse with others and hopefully
learn a tip or two that could be helpfull in getting a handle on this ....

Hello, I just joined recently too. I hope to talk with some others as well, mostly about control.

OP are you prone to lash out and attack random people in the form of some sort of explosive violent eruption, for no reason what-so-ever?

Or are you prone to erupt on people who have done you a good amount of wrong?


One is normal, the other I am totally unsure about.

Some people just do not deserve the credit they ask for and exploding on them isn't going to help a situation at all, others ask to have extreme amount of effort or trust placed into them, which they have no qualms with disrespecting or throwing to wayside on a whim. So don't give people who don't deserve your trust or attention anything of value to yourself.

Other than that, if your blood is boiling at random intervals, for no reason what-so-ever, how you managed to avoid problems with the police? I have met one person in my life who it was clearly obvious that violence was the only communication skill they had ever known. They were notorious around the area, and they will be in and of jail for the majority of their life.


If it helps, I usually look at anger as being a short fusing of the brain. Usually an overload or an inability to process information. When I get angry, it usually expends an extreme amount of energy and getting back to focus is not an easy task.

So, maybe if you are prone to explode, there are either too many people around you providing less than quality pieces of information, which need to be avoided and communicated to in a more professional and orderly manner. Or perhaps there is an issue with being able to process information in an orderly manner.

What sets you off?

eye_aint_got_nobody wrote:A good friend of mine, who I had known since I was 8 years old, screwed me over in a major way about 16 years ago. The thought of getting even with him possessed me and I used to dream about catching him, choking him out, then letting him come to and doing it again.

I have some people on my list, personally, I congratulate you for having the courage to follow through.

There is nothing wrong with accountability. In fact, it's probably one of the weakest concepts in modern society, no?

MrKap wrote:

eye_aint_got_nobody wrote:A good friend of mine, who I had known since I was 8 years old, screwed me over in a major way about 16 years ago. The thought of getting even with him possessed me and I used to dream about catching him, choking him out, then letting him come to and doing it again.

I have some people on my list, personally, I congratulate you for having the courage to follow through.

There is nothing wrong with accountability. In fact, it's probably one of the weakest concepts in modern society, no?

I'm glad I did it. He got what he deserved, and not all that he deserved, but it didn't change anything.

It didn't change what he did and I still suffer from it today. If I would have killed him I'd still be sitting in jail and nothing would have changed. I had to learn to make peace with myself over it and let those feelings go.

Only then did things change and it was me that changed.