Living on the edge

I've never been officially diagnosed with this disorder, but it sounds a lot like me. It's gotten much better over the years, but it's still there. I can usually control it to a split-second moment of rage where I'll draw my fist back or lunge at someone. however, sometimes I'll still make contact, rarely but still happens. I used to average about 2 fights a year in grade school, and maybe another one or two in the summer. I've beaten my younger brother to the point where his urine was brown for no apparent reason i can think of to this day. I immediately felt like crap afterward, but in the moment I felt pure bliss. I enjoy conflict. I like hurting people, but at the same time I don't. It's been years since I've hurt anybody close to me, but I would love to drown my downstairs neighbor (who calls the police every time the dog jumps off the couch at 3 in the afternoon I might add) in her own toilet bowl. The only thing that keeps me from doing these things these days is the hurt I've caused my family (not just physical), which is the only thing I love more than doing damage. The worst year was 9th grade. That was when i beat my brother, i hit my mother twice, and that was the last time I saw my dad for another 5 years, which really tore me apart. Another oddity is that trivial things could sometimes piss me off and things that would annoy most people don't bother me at all. For instance, i put a hole straight through my bathroom door because i couldn't get my shirt to tuck in right, but my younger brother's friend likes to put me in choke-holds at random and things like that that don't bother me cause I understand that it's all in good fun. I recently got back from basic training in Ft Benning GA on bad terms with 1 week left of training and 3 weeks left of cleaning gear. Some kid shoved me, so i delivered "the hit heard 'round the CTA" which is what they called it. Flush with the jaw, sounded like a slap. He ran and told the DS which is apparently what our future army infantry recruits do these days. I immediately apologized to him after my peers let me go realizing that i wasn't gonna hit him again. I got separated and he didn't. Was I really in the wrong. My impulsive behavior is only drawn out 5% of the time though. The rest of the time I'm a really nice guy. I show respect to anyone who hasn't yet done anything to deserve disrespect (the moment I feel wronged you have something headed your way). I also like to help as well as hurt sometimes. I helped a fat woman pick up a whole shelf of KY jelly she knocked to the floor. Most people would have been too embarrassed to do so. I also kind of did it to dare someone to say something to me or within earshot. I'm always doing favors, but sometimes it seems like I only do it because I'm trying to reverse my karma. Does anybody have a name for this, and does it make me a bad person. I'm having a dilemma here, and i don't have anyone to talk to because people don't understand what goes on in my head. I tried talking to my mother about this but it was weird and pointless. I want an honest, professional opinion, not some random internet browser who visits Wikipedia a lot to sound smart. In other words, if you have to research the topic, your opinion doesn't matter so drop it. And please no trash talking, you're not impressing anybody. (These are the people that piss me off the most because they're the most snide and I can't do anything about it, but that's normal, right?)

Hi, bkdper00! We can't give you a professional opinion, I'm afraid, as the forum doesn't have any doctors/therapists working here. From what I've heard from people on the forums, there could be more than one reason for these outbursts. You have to tell a doctor about it and ask them if they can give you a diagnosis or what else can be done to prevent it from happening.
Do you ever get extreme mood swings that involve something other than rage, as in sadness or maybe jealousy?