IED People Will You Please Help Me Understand?

It was only this past year that I was able to put a proper name to who I am. It all made sense when I contacted some neuroscientists and psychologists. I am sure you felt that same realization when you figured out what the meaning of all your feelings were. As a female Psychopath it takes so much research to find answers. The majority of Psychopaths are men. So I had to be sure because of all the improper info I was being fed. When professionals in the field saw what I was trying to keep private for so long. It was a relief at one point followed by a life sentence with no cure.

So here is the question...
When did you know for sure?
Did you tell anyone? Did they react with trying to "Save you" or "deny your findings as accurate?"
How have you tried to prevent losing control in public areas?

I am so intrigued here because I have these inner achings... I want to lose it so badly it physically hurts at times. My Psychopathic triggers could be something as small as a smirk, laugh or someone challenging me at a coffee shop. I visually see myself frothing at the mouth. But instead I stare them in the eyes with a smile. I would never unleash my dark desires because I have kids. I will not leave my children because I am being imprisoned. But I constantly have to leave the house to vent at strangers in places. It's the only way I can keep cool and collected at home. I avoid physical fights at all costs because I know I won't be able to stop.

Do you have to exercise the same restraint?
And how were your relationships affected by this?

I thank you for you replies. And I would never judge.

I am a 31 single female. I have been to many counselors, psychologists and psychiatrics and doctors over the past 11 years or so and all failed to identify what was going on. They all said "you're depressed...take antidepressants....workout...eat better...sleep more".....but I did all of those things, nothing helps. I finally did enough digging and research of my own and figured out I have IED - it was SO relieving to find a name for what I am and to realize there are other people who suffer what I do as well. I was sad as well to realize I was one of them. I did not tell anyone - anyone that I get close to would just throw it back up in my face.

My relationships have all failed because of my IED. I have had three serious relationships in my 20's and two wanted to propose but did not b/c they did not want to raise children in an environment where the mother was angry and violent and breaking things with no warning.

I am normally a nice and pleasant person. But when something triggers my IED, i am a violent tornado with a venom tongue and hulk-like strength and can lift tables and hurt people. My ex had me arrested for domestic assault and I spent two days in jail. I lost a great job b/c I got angry and refused to comply with HR and threw a plant. I am hideously embarrassed by my behaviors afterwards. My rages usually last 10-20 minutes, but the guilt, shame and remorse lasts forever.

I daydream of getting to take my rage out on someone with physical pain. I would like to beat them in the head with a hammer or drive my car over a sidewalk and kill people. However I do not want to end up spending my entire life in jail and I am afraid one day I may slip up and do something that causes me great trouble. I also seem to take joy in other people's failures and bad times. I do not feel happy for people when they get engaged or pregnant b/c I am jealous. I enjoy when people go through bad times like a divorce or breakup or lost job. I don't want to be a bad person full of bitterness, anger and jealously but I am.

Strangers in public are usually all "evil" in my eyes. People in general to me are annoying and must prove themselves to get me to like them. When I'm at a grocery store I just want to plow my cart into people and tell them to leave so I can shop peacefully and not be bothered by their presence.

Sometimes when I get really wound up and think I'm going to break something or hurt someone I go on a long, hard , fast run to "run out the crazies" as I say. I run and run until I'm so tired and worn out and the anger is gone. I can run up to 8 miles without stopping. It is the only thing I know to do to get myself out of danger, and endangering others.

It is a very lonely life and a dark secret I keep. I fear I will never find a spouse and have children, which is my dream. Maybe in my past life I did something to deserve this pain and loneliness.

Can I first say that I am so thankful to have found this forum? Not really for advice, or medications, but to find people who are as confused and distraught as I am, and to know that I am not alone. Cause I sure as hell feel like it, and I've felt that way my whole life.

I'm 35 and female, and I was officially diagnosed with IED about 3 years ago. Up until then, my life had been a hot mess. I'm super intelligent and friendly, and the nicest person you could meet. But then, I have this dark side. And when I mean dark, I mean hating humanity, locking myself in a dark closet, self-harm, the works. Like that dark shadow passenger that's always following you. The earliest I can really remember having an outburst was when I was about 15 and I punched a hole through my bedroom wall. My dad, caring about me (and his walls), actually bought me a punching bag, and hung it in my room. It was very sweet, but he was missing the point.

Through all my relationships in my 20's, they could only be described as crazy. And they never ended up amicably. They all burst like fireworks in my face, and I totally assured myself that they were crazy, and not me, cause really, I'm nice. Lol, I really am! Well, you know.

The thing is, I finally met my current husband. Awesome guy. Really wouldn't hurt a fly. I hurt him crazy bad. Not physically, but totally determined to ruin any relationship we could have. And I had to really sit back and analyze that it's not them, it's me. I'm the common denominator in this situation. So I finally went to a therapist, and she came back the next session with a diagnosis. IT WAS LIKE SOMEONE FINALLY HAD TURNED ON THE LIGHTBULB IN MY LIFE. All of a sudden, there it was, staring me in the face, a name for a condition that fit like a glove.

So, a lot of soul searching later (coming to terms with the fact that I'm not 'normal' and I have a 'condition' that nobody can see), I'm on meds that sort of work. When I can remember to take them, that is. Prozac to keep me level, and Wellbutrin to give me back the energy that the Prozac takes away. Generally, it works. The self harm is almost nonexistent, and I have more self control in fights, although not much. Most times it's just enough energy to walk away before it turns physical or threatening. Just that alone can take all the strength I have. I don't think it's really fixed. I don't think it'll ever be fixed. Lately I've been trying to escape reality through whatever means necessary, but I'm also trying to get that under control. I have a son who is 6, and I am doing my very best to make sure he doesn't turn out like me.

Anyway. That's the reader's digest version of my life. If you've come this far, thank you for taking the time to read it. And thank you for putting your stories out there so others won't feel alone.