living with IED wife

I believe my wife suffers from IED. We have been together 20 years and at first her explosions were very rare. They have increased over time, and always increase in frequency and severity in response to other problems (currently we have many). They are now occurring about 4 times per week. They can come at any time - in response to something I did (which can be trivial) or one of the children, or some other matter which has caused annoyance. I am not always the trigger, but I am always the target.The severity, content and length of the outbursts vary. They always include extreme verbal abuse, and can also include throwing things, suicide threats, uncontrolled crying, humiliation and all kinds of other aggression. I have tried everything to deal with these events from being reasonable, losing my own temper, walking away- you name it. Nothing makes any difference. The attacks can last for hours. I am at my wits end. I am trying to get her in to see a therapist and she has reluctantly agreed, although I am concerned this will be of limited use, as she does not see the extent of her problem, and thinks she just has a bad temper.
Any advice on dealing with this is welcome. I so much want to get her back to a calmer state.

My hubby has IED too and honestly, I envy you for having been able to convince her to go to counselling. My fiancé won´t consider it.

words-as-weapons666 wrote:My hubby has IED too and honestly, I envy you for having been able to convince her to go to counselling. My fiancé won´t consider it.

I am sorry to hear that. For me, I would have to get divorced in the absence of a commitment to getting treatment as she has become impossible to live with. That was not the case in the days when her IED was mild, and the eruptions rare. I hope you find a solution.

billy budd wrote:I believe my wife suffers from IED. We have been together 20 years and at first her explosions were very rare. They have increased over time, and always increase in frequency and severity in response to other problems (currently we have many). They are now occurring about 4 times per week. They can come at any time - in response to something I did (which can be trivial) or one of the children, or some other matter which has caused annoyance. I am not always the trigger, but I am always the target.The severity, content and length of the outbursts vary. They always include extreme verbal abuse, and can also include throwing things, suicide threats, uncontrolled crying, humiliation and all kinds of other aggression. I have tried everything to deal with these events from being reasonable, losing my own temper, walking away- you name it. Nothing makes any difference. The attacks can last for hours. I am at my wits end. I am trying to get her in to see a therapist and she has reluctantly agreed, although I am concerned this will be of limited use, as she does not see the extent of her problem, and thinks she just has a bad temper.
Any advice on dealing with this is welcome. I so much want to get her back to a calmer state.

Yep, sounds like me except that I'm a husband with IED. I hope since you started this thread that your wife has made some headway with a therapist. As someone who always loathed therapy (mostly because I'm so introverted and private), I definitely understand doubting the efficacy of it, and there are valid arguments for it even. However, it has worked well for me in the year and a half I've spent in therapy. Today my rage is much more under control and I never thought it was possible, much like your wife.

My advice to your wife is to give therapy a try if she hasn't yet. And tell her not to quit after one shrink; it may take some doing to find one you like (I think that's VERY important personally).

And neither you nor she should go in assuming that what she has is IED (though it certainly seems like it in her case). The anger could stem from something unrelated. Does she feel extreme remorse after an episode?

billy budd wrote:

words-as-weapons666 wrote:My hubby has IED too and honestly, I envy you for having been able to convince her to go to counselling. My fiancé won´t consider it.

I am sorry to hear that. For me, I would have to get divorced in the absence of a commitment to getting treatment as she has become impossible to live with. That was not the case in the days when her IED was mild, and the eruptions rare. I hope you find a solution.

Yeah, its unfortunate, but I also have severe BPD so I am as much to blame as he is for any conflict in the home. Placing more than 50% on him would be unfair.