Admitting something I've Done

Hi I'm new and I've never mentioned this to anyone because I am ashamed and feel absolutely terrible for what happened.

I love animals and have never ever thought about hurting or killing one before. Not even to this day. However I had a pet that I loved. The pet also made me feel aggressive- something I've never felt towards an animal before. I researched cute aggression and felt that applied to my situation.

One day I was playing with the pet a lot. I didn't leave her alone; I liked aggravating her (she was cute when you woke her up). I felt this control over her as well (something I've never felt). All I really wanted to do was pet her but she kept on sleeping and I was getting annoyed because I had been wanting to play with her all day. I was also annoyed because she was extremely messy with her bodily functions and kept getting poop everywhere. She woke up and was about to pee. I felt so aggravated that I picked her up and tried to squeeze it out of her. I squeezed her so hard I accidentally killed her. She was very small. I started crying as soon as I knew I killed her because in no way was that ever my intention.

It was a complete accident and I feel so terrible. I stay up at night thinking about what happened and I can't stand myself. I've never ever hurt an animal and never had an urge to. I didn't have the urge when I accidentally killed this one. I didn't want to hurt her at all. I was also super stoned and the room was spinning too. I did not think through this moment and didn't think about how easily I could hurt her. When she died I felt my heart jump out of my chest. I couldn't have saved her. I feel like an evil murderer and a terrible human being. I just wish she was still here living her happy life.

I should also mention that I've always had issues with bodily functions. I've always felt anxiety and shame about having bodily functions. It used to be so bad I would act like I never had to pee or anything. When my parents divorced when I was very young, I used to pee in inappropriate places. I don't really understand this issue in any shape or form.

Please forgive yourself because you have a serious problem that you didn't ask for. What you did wasn't an accident. You acted on some feeling. An accident for example is like sitting on a small pet that was hiding under a cushion and killing it. What you must never ask for is for another pet or especially a child to care for. Please stay on birth control. No child or pet should be cared for by someone who has a serious impulse issue or whatever disorder you may have. Please get the help you need but I beg you never to have children or pets again. Get counseling but take responsibility for what you did by never being responsible for another being again.

mamab65 wrote:Please forgive yourself because you have a serious problem that you didn't ask for. What you did wasn't an accident. You acted on some feeling. An accident for example is like sitting on a small pet that was hiding under a cushion and killing it. What you must never ask for is for another pet or especially a child to care for. Please stay on birth control. No child or pet should be cared for by someone who has a serious impulse issue or whatever disorder you may have. Please get the help you need but I beg you never to have children or pets again. Get counseling but take responsibility for what you did by never being responsible for another being again.

I don't think you understand that I didn't mean to kill her. You're making me sound like a monster. I've always treated my pets very well. I never meant to hurt my hamster. I didn't mean to squeeze her and kill her. I barely squeezed her but apparently it was enough to accidentally kill her. You don't know me or my situation or past. I don't have a problem. I made one mistake. One that was terrible. But I love animals and would never do anything like that again. I thought I could come here and not get judged then be told that I can't ever have a pet or person in my life ever again as punishment. Shame on you. My guilt is already great for this mistake and I know right from wrong. I have nothing but love in my heart and I'm a human who screwed up. I posted in this forum because I didn't know where to post. I don't have a disorder.

-- Wed Apr 09, 2014 4:51 pm --

Plus I've NEVER done anything like this before. I haven't had any issues since either. I've never ever hurt another being and never intend to again.

A hamster cant be trained like a dog or cat to go to bathroom outside or in litterbox. Thats what a hamster does...they just go wherever.

I agree that people with mental health issues shouldn't be allowed to care for the vulnerable (nonhuman animals, eldery, children, etc.). I know you didn't really mean to hurt the hamster, but you did. You should consider joining an animal rescue organization or giving a donation.