I want to try harder.

Glad you've got those tools and distractions to turn to . Breaking a compulsive behavior a quite a process , isn't it ?

A few times in my recovery , I almost felt like I was taking up a complicated hobby - I need this , I need that . If I really want to be successful , I need to get one of those ...It's never just ONE thing that does the trick , ya know ?

I must have run through dozens of distraction ideas . I made lists of them , ticking them off as I went : Didn't work , didn't work , worked OK , didn't work , worked pretty good the first time then didn't work , etc. , etc.

But I noticed the cumulative effect after a while . The "trying" seemed to be beneficial even if the action was not . So once the list was gone through , I gave it another go . Surprisingly , some of the previous " didn't work " stuff helped me significantly the second ( or third ) time around .

It’s a mixed bag right now. I feel like if I’m going to pick at my skin, Friday is the day to do it, for multiple reasons. For me, it seems like more of a compulsion to groom gone awry than a desire to self-harm. Different. Or I could be kidding myself. When I do it, I feel like i’m Breathing. Like i’ve Been holding my breath this whole time & didn’t even know it. Waves of relief. An ocean of relief. Peace.

But then there’s the aftermaths.

The solution is worse than the problem.

Now it’s up to the repetition of quitting. Turning the goat path of quitting into the Supermax highway of quitting. While turning the supermax highway of skin picking into the goat path of skin picking.

Time is the game changer . It takes a certain amount of time to turn an action into a habit . It takes a certain amount of time to break a habit's hold over us . Replace the word "habit" with "compulsion" and the length of time changes exponentially .

I felt the same way when I was gambling . The build-up to going to the casino was intense . The anticipation , the mounting excitement , the thought that I was finally on my way to the only place where I could completely forget all about my stressful , lonely , crappy days . I felt the peace too - right up until I walked out of the casino door , broke . Again .

I came to realize that those feelings were my addiction's hunger pangs , the mental manifestation of its watering mouth as I drove to its house to feed it my paycheck . And woe betide me if I resisted . Full-blown screaming tantrums in my brain . Pleading , begging , bargaining and eventually non-stop demanding ensued until I caved in just to make the voice shut up and give me a few hours of blessed silence in my head . At a price of course . Broke , again , and even further in debt now .

The worst part was that I was teaching the compulsion exactly what it needed to do to get its way , exactly how long it needed to scream before I gave in .

I began to deal with my urges swiftly and brutally . Distractions , distractions and often , white-knuckle refusal . They screamed in my head - I screamed back at them . They tried sly persuasion - I yelled " LIAR " out loud . For a long time , I must have looked like a complete lunatic to anyone driving a car beside mine . But I didn't care , because it was working . Slowly , but surely , with time .

Yep, like water wears away a stone. I’ve got 24 hours. I’m keeping busy. @ 48 hours, the more superficial wounds will have healed completely & the scabs will be sloughing off. As long as I leave them alone. Push the ignore button on the skin picking compulsion.

Woke early this morning & did some damage to face & arm. It’s unusual for me to be up this early & not a good sign based on past history. I’m having a lot of feelings. Partly based on my own assumptions, & you know what they say about assumptions. They make an ### out of u & me.

I do want to live independently again. I don’t like feeling I’m in the way of other people or that other people are in the way of me. Plus I crave the privacy. I need my own space. I’m just one of those people. Even if I fail again & I will. It’s just a matter of time. Everyone fails.

I have a plan to achieve my goals & I am making incremental progress toward said goals. If myself & others are impatient with the progress of that plan, it’s okay. Feeling impatient never killed anybody.

Someone once said: Life has much uneasiness; that is certain. Always remember that & it will never surprise you.

I still have a lot of day left, but it’s only 24 little hours. I’ll be busy managing my uneasiness. I’m making a list of alternative activities/habit replacement/coping mechanisms. So far I have 67 things, but I’m still adding to it.

I recognize the predicament that you are in and offer some natural activities to break your bad habit, like swimming or reading, drinking hot tea, meditating, writing poems, making yourself a regular customer at a café.

I try and remember that uneasiness is always certain, so when it comes to pain, I will bear mine with dignity.

Everyone is somewhat crazy, even normal ones. Some of these normies lack the emotional intelligence to slow down and see within. You do you, thegentlepath.

Sending some hugs , TGP . If you want some ...

Thanks, you 2.

Struggling & failing with picking my skin lately. I want to practice more patience. My anxiety has been strong lately even though overall things are okay, I think. I’ve got a plan & I’m working toward my goals. I’m using this anxious energy to start cleaning out a garden shed today. Another place to hide.

Hugs , TGP .

Hiding places are good . Here's a sign for your door , courtesy of The Little Rascals .

Thanks NSR.

I got a shelf cleaned off. It’s bigger than me though. Talk about a marathon, not a sprint. This is more like a triathlon. There’s worse problems. I’m struggling with the skin picking right now, but it’s not the worst it’s been. It’s noticeable though.

My main priority is infiltrating the Normals, & that is going good enough. That’s a lot of work, but what isn’t? So if I’ma pick my skin, I’ma pick my skin. I just wish I wouldn’t do it. One of those cases where the solution is worse than the problem & I did it to myself.

These are minor problems though.