how does one explain this

my ex, a female around 40..just ditched me for the 2nd time..I wrote a long post on the Histrionic board about that..since well I wasn't sure what the heck her issue really is. I think I"ve determined that she's got a mix of several disorders..however her health and others health is a key part of her personality since almost day 1.

Our 1st date was delayed due to 'bronchitis' and I recall saying hey..if you really don't wanna go on a date that's cool...just lemme know. ..oh..no no..I just don't really wnat to talk to anyone while in this state, and it's really exhausting just to talk since I have astchma..la la la...

So..then it was a litany of ; I'm tired, relatives with diseases, the rundown on what aunt died of what, back and neck pain from car accidents, stomach flu, tired, exhausted, stressed, sprained ankle("it's nearly broken") bronchitis again, asthma, allergies(severe), um...flu, SERIOUS back injury to the point of missing work for a month, then working not full time..etc. Tired, money problems, worried about relatives, etc etc.
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Besides all that wonderfully uplifting stuff...she was contolling, critical, defensive, very self absorbed, and appeared to have no empathy, everyone else was the cause of the troubles and nobody had such a stressful job or workplace or jerk of a boss or coworkers.

Very secretive about life, kinda reclusive at times, not a clear history of any lasting relationships, focus and apparent thoughtful depth in emails and enjoyed 'intellectual banter' ..but in real life-not walking that walk but instead mainly into what's wrong w/her and herself..and generally just 'shes stuck' in a bad pit.

She'd change topics to very shallow things whenever I felt we were bonding...I felt it either bored her..or she wanted to not get closer, or she wanted to control the situation.
Blamed me for talking too slow..or pausing too much..as the reason she interrupts or overtalks me. I'd start a sentence..and get bulldozed-

Could see that she could get angry quickly. Conversatiions that seemed to go nowhere...then she'd exclaim that she liked talking to (at) me.

= God....this all makes me sad to recall and mad that she thinks she's just fine.

Does anyone on this board relate to this?
On the Histrionic board the moderator thought Histrionic or Borderline...but at any rate- the health issues thing was always huge..and I never knew what to say. I remember almost laughing at the time she said she sprained her ankle..because I thought she was joking...that's because that early on I was already suspecting she was a hypochondriac in the 'real' sense.

Is there any hope to get thru to a person with hypochondria as a major part of their psyche?
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first does she do it for medicinal or monatary gain ?

Is she very dependent on you? Or hate to be alone?

Ever been dx'd with depression or anxiety?

Well I believe she does it to create a distance, to have excuses to not see people or do things or as an exuse for her otherwise self-absorbed and controlling behavior. Not for money or drugs.
She seems to like to be alone at times, yet is possibly constantly talking on the phone/attached to TV or tinkering with innane anal things.

I think her health things-real or imagined- are either exaggerated or manifestations of serious emotional repression. I think it's how she tries to get attention.

However it seems strongly mixed her self absorbtion, defensiveness, disagreeableness, debate/lecture type talk, inability empathize and/or get close to anyone..even tho she's always proporting to want those things.

She has one friend she appears to be very dependent on that is a woman in an unhappy relationship who allows her to dominate her. She commiserates with her and encourages her to not go back to work full time- etc...since she 'knows about back injuries' this other one also does all the things she 'can't do or touch cuz of allergies etc..clean my bathtub!pull that weed..etc.

So, I just wondered about how often and if there is any uniqueness to people who use hypochondria type behaviour as a part of their other PDs that she seems to have going on too.(HPD/NPD/BPD) -

I have never said anything about her health stuff..since I don't want to experience her wrath..that i can see simmering under the surface when I once asked if her life has ever been in order.
But now that I realize that I need to let go of any illusion she'll change anytime soon..I would like to offer a final statement where I gently offer my support if she wants to talk or address her demons- but -want to be careful about putting her on the defensive and giving her ammunition to furhter push me away-
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thanks

I was leaning towards factitious disorder traits on this one, but there is no gain, other than to stay home, so if you feel she is being manipulative and only has the back pain, which is horrible, as I have chronic back pain myself, you should take her in for a full physical at a neurologist, when they rule out anything, then a spine specialist, if nothing is there you need to take her to a psychiatrist and go in with her. See if she manipulates them for meds, or disability. And possibly you might get your answer. thru the pdoc. If it is me me me, and she feeds off your attention, it could be npd, If it is me me me and she wants to be the center of attention it could be hpd, but if she can't stand to be alone, and has a hx of childhood neglect
and fits the criteria of bpd, which I don't see here by just her actions, unless she has rage outbursts etc. [see our bpd forum for criteria], at least she'll get the treatment she needs, and you get your answer and the help you need with it. After the neuro and spine,I would take her to a psychologist and have an eval done, then they will refer you to psychiatrist if it is something that requires medications, as psychiatrist as slow and never reveal pd but pychologist do. Anxiety also holds the criteria of impending doom.......so check this out and the other disorders we talked about on this site,
Hypo_
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/di ... p?disID=51
Pd's_
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/di ... p?catID=34

I hope this helps.

Thanks -

well she's my ex..she pushed me away for the 2nd time in a years time..and this time there's no going back. I think she cannot deal w/a 'real' relationship..so she's slinking back to her cocoon of protection with her minions who she can control.
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She was always secretive and protective of her privacy..like couldn't understand why I would talk with my friends about her...(it's normal to discuss someone you're involved with...esp. a new thing) ..she I think found that THREATENING..I was like...hrm..I guess she doesn't talk about me to anyone......which makes sense if she's got a lot of NPD in her..I am just a cardboard cutout - that she cannot really deal with.
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How I would love to be able to ask her 'friends' or her boss or her dr's or her family about her..but she kept me at a distance from them - for reasons that now I am seeing- perhaps since she knew I was discardable..? Or she didn't want me to befriend them and have them like me better than her? or..>?
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I wish I could ask without the fear of them being loyal to her and telling her that I inquired about her mental health..and the wrath I'd receive somehow. That fear keeps me from calling up the couple that she lives with currently..and asking the one that I think is more 'normal' ..about her take on my ex.
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In the long run it really shouldn't matter to me..but I want to say something so that at least maybe she'll consider getting help. She can reject me on that--but I know the words will repeat in her head....she's very sensitive to waht people say or do..even tho she acts like she's the princess. She actually said to me after meeting some of my friends who are 'attractive/successful/sociable and stable..' she said..'they're not all that..I could have them eating out of my hand if I wanted to' .....
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so that tells me- she's VERY conflicted. God..help her