help plz with my view o'agency & y bad things happen to me

One thing that I been thinking about lately is how maybe my understanding of free will is underdeveloped a/o that I dont understand it as well as I use to.I know that I shouldn't feel and view life this *way.I think about how I've got dozens of HTML tutorials & demos 4 homework can decide whether I should do those,the readings first or other homework,how I'm getting closer and closer to being royally screwed over with binary arithmetic** and sooner or later will screw up in my intro to programming class.While this is happening I think about the terrible things I've done.How I use to say disparaging things about those into humanities studies despite my LOVE for that also b/c I got carried away by my love (but mostly romanitized view)of science and the lucrative job I'd have after doing such a program,how I learned in my biotech program that I cant handle doing the experimentation that's done in science,how that eventually led me to bugging out of my biotech program,how I picked a comp.studies program b/c it's feels like my only option b/c I dont think I handle more then 4-ish yrs of school,how (for me) negativity (being life's non-physics version of entropy and why everything so ridiculously fragile) makes Finagle's law always around with negative's always outnumbering positives and if not that it's b/c one negative can have tremondous magnitude more than dozens of positives.

Hence my free agency is actually very limited.Esp.when you throw into consideration my Asperger's which really makes me feel like in retrospect I never had much agency all along b/c I've (unbeknowest to me for most of my life) have been following a quasi-biological script.

To all those who believe in free will I'm sorry I know that I "shouldn't" feel this way but "I DO" even though I *wouldn't like to feel and think this way*.I do this even though I wouldn't like to feel this way but it just flippin feels *SSSSSOOOOOO* "elephant in a room-ish" to not do it.But in this case it's more like ignoring a indestructible monster you have to feed and bring tribute to or else it will eat you.

Good grief,the unpredictability of knowing if an event is meant to teach you,punish you,both or something else is torturous!.It's the reason why so often I feel like "why is this happening to me?,what did I do to deserve this?,why do complicated things happen to me?,why is everything for me struggle?".Thus I'd appreciate any replies and I think I need a refresher on what free will .By the way when I've been described as a fatalist b/c of this and I'd esp.appreciate if someone can illuminate more on what I'm talking about **here before Oct,1st when I'm going to talk to my school counselor on this ...

*What I mean is when we have free will it means that were free to choose to do good or bad but what that really means is that you have the ability to chose to do good or bad things to a certain number of times letting bad things still happen even though your good (if you've done more good then bad to you) and letting only bad things happen if you've done more bad then good (no longer letting good things happen to you) while being fairly detrimental to which afterlife you'll go to.However if you've done excessive amounts of bad you can out that "debt" of "bad points" if you do good actions even though bad things still continue to happen t you.This nullifies the "bad points" and "neutralizes" you bit by bit.Eventually you can get to a certain point of neutrality where you no longer have any "bad points" but no "good points" either.It's not like you can stay that way forever though because your next action whether (intentional or not) will go towards "bad points" or "good points".Also the nature of certain actions can account for a larger magnitude of "good points" or "bad points".I have a feeling that this view resembles the concept of karma but just to say I've been thinking (and still do to some extent) like this and have had this concept LLLOOONNNGG before I found out about the word karma.Personally I think it's more like a fatalistic version of quid pro quo.

**Preferably from a non-religious a/o spiritual view or one with such undertones.I actually edited this posting b4 hand to take that out account in this (I guess) secular forum.

Well... I am no free will expert... however, your internal strife seems to limit your "will" as in it focuses your energies on the tasks you've pre-determined, or others have pre-determined.

Karma has more to do with externalized forces of energy which would be the sum of all the "will" interacting in the system, so to speak. Bouncing off, through, and around all the participants.

It's past Oct 1rst, but anyways, I was always weary of the Eastern Religions as they focus so much pressure on the individual in the hopes that harmony, or karma will flow properly, for a lack of a better term.

Contrast it to Western Religions where "the way" or "leading wills" is focused on, which if you ask me creates more chaos in the system, rather than in the individual.