12 years of trying new meds without success!

Hi,

I'm feeling quite hopeless - I've been on a whole list of meds during 12 years without ever truly feeling any improvement. I have just started meds for bipolar, after previously having been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and ADD. I have been on mood stabilizers in the past so I'm feeling quite hopeless about the new meds too. I was hoping that if I maybe list everything I feel is somewhat related to my personality and disorder, then maybe I can get a few different oppinions via this forum about what you think is wrong with me, and what may not be seen by the doctors I've visited.

Here's the long list about me, and the medication history:

* I get distracted extremely easily, and have a very difficult time finding my way back to what needs to get done.
* I tend to procrastinate anything even remotely time consuming, or if I don't know exactly where to start. And given my tendency to get distracted I may have to start these projects over and over, and only make myself more frustrated and anxious about not having completed them sooner. I sort of know I'm not stupid but still can't help to doubt that when I just dont seem to be able to complete things.
* I start many things, complete few, or take way too long to do so, and I think it's also causing a chronic stress within me, perhaps I feel I can't really trust myself to get the things done.
* I read about ADD patients getting bored easily and not being good at paper work and routine things, and this is extremely true with me. I implemented a system at work where job orders have to be entered in order to be completed by the designers, and even though it is my custom designed system, I get highly anxious about the prospect of having to sit down and enter them. It would then take me an incredibly amount of time to complete it because I'd find ways to get distracted in the process. For example, a job order may remind me of something else that has to get done and I'd switch task to do that, then have to force myself back to the job order entry. I finally had to hire someone to come in 2-3 times a week to enter these jobs for me, even though it should take no more than 15-45 min to do at any given day.
* Sometimes, however, especially if I do make it to a concentrated state, it will be very frustrating to get interrupted. As I was reading about the ADD symptoms the description of "cognitive inflexibility" felt really true when it came to bigger things. I can get very focused on a craft project or browsing the web, that keep my focus but in a more hazy state - and I feel very upset when I get forced out of that state by kids or husband. So I have stopped wanting to focus on anything at home, like a hobby of any sort, because I can't handle the constant distractions well. I've envied my husband who can sit down and read complex material in the middle of the living room and seem to be perfectly fine switching from reading to conversation and back. Instead I find myself restless and anxious at times. (Is this a type of 'overfoucsed ADD'?)
* My migraines have gotten worse in the last 12 months; I used to have them occur a few days in a row with longer periods between recurrences, but now they happen every week, and seem to need higher does of Imitrex to cure them.
* I hold grudges
* I hold on to hurt from past
* Get stuck on ideas or thought; If I start thinking about wanting another dog, I won't stop until I get one, even though my reasoning has told me it's not a good idea.
* Eating disorder - I'm binge eating
* I tend to have poor control over shopping impulses(I think it just makes me feel better) I can be in store and know I should not spend the money, and still go ahead and purchase things I don't need, even though I feel guilty about it.
* My father is an (periodic) alcoholic and a smoker - can't stop smoking even though it's killing him
* The more I think I have to do something the more anxious it makes me, or the more I avoid it. (daily work routines, being intimate w husband, exercise, eat less, spend less) I tend to become oppositional and say no directly, become rigid and tense by the slightest sign of husband wanting to be intimate.
* I wonder at times if people feel hunger the way I do. It consumes me and is almost painful. I will leave meetings for a snack because I can't think if I get the slightest hungry.
* I have recurring yeast infections - I suspect that my overconsumptions of sugar contributes to this; also upsetting because I feel that I should be able to improve my diet in order to get rid of these unpleasant symptoms.
* Often get muscle cramps in feet
* Often have achy joints, esp wrists
* Usually very tight shoulders
* Usually very tight jaws
* I feel hopeless. Weight is worse than in a long time, I can't control my eating and feel like I have no impulse control or will power. I want to be collected and disciplined but feel the opposite.
* Tend to have slight dyslexia, will skip a letter or switch two letters.Hand writing can become a mess at times, I just can't seem to think about what to write when I have conversation.
* Can rarely remember a phone number. Have a difficulty taking down names and addresses when people spell them out for me. I often have to ask them repeat it several times, and end up feeling embarrassed and stupid.
* Thought more about what racing thoughts really mean and it occurred to me that what I have always thought was just a quirk about me may be an example of just this; when I was younger and could not sleep I would try to count sheep, but could never 'control' the herd of sheep - they would start speeding up and literally come in big herds and I could not count them. Have always just sounded funny to me and I never labeled it 'racing thoughts' but I think now that it's a perfect example to demonstrate that I do have this.

Medication List I've taken:

Paxil CR 37.5 Sexual side effects
Paxil CR + Wellbutrin SR Increased anxiety
Lexapro 20mg Still anxious, less control
Effexor XR 300mg + Trileptal 600mg + Clonazepam
Zoloft 125mg + Trileptal 600mg + clonezopam 20 lb weight gain
Zoloft
Prozac 20mg + Lorazepam .5mg
Celexa (Citalopram) 40mg + Trazodone up to 150mg
Cymbalta 60mg
Abilify 5mg Very anxious, felt angry, irritable, on edge. Had to stop.
Saphris 2.5mg Felt like I was in a bubble, sleepy, concentration first got better, then worse.
Citalopram 40mg
Pristiq 50 mg - lots of weight gain, although not sure if med was cause

Now taking:

Concerta 54 mg (just upped dose from 36mg)
Ritalin 10mg (afternoon booster dose)
Lamotrigine (Lamictal) 25mg, going to 50mg in 2 weeks < Just started!

Plus, I've had therapy on and off, but not feeling anything is helping. If anything, I would leave many of these sessions feeling more depressed than going in to them.

PLEASE HELP! I am at my wits end trying to even bother to medicate. I feel just as screwed up as I have without any meds. I will be so grateful for any comments - even if you just can relate to my sense of defeat - please share!!

Hopeless!!

Hi, hopeless73! Could it be that certain kinds of therapies are helpful for your illnesses? How about looking for a therapist who provides them? You could print out your post and show it to them too by the way. There must be information about different methods on special sites.
Hopefully someone will post with more advice, stick around and feel free to look through all the forums!

Oh wow, that is such a shame. My sister went through some similar experiences before they stopped trying to diagnose her as mentally ill. It turned out that her thyroid was acting up. First they tested her for ADD and the diagnosis stuck. Then they tried to tell her she was depressed. The misdiagnoses went as far as Borderline Personality Disorder before she put all the facts together herself. Hair loss. Hair loss was the one thing that didn't fit with any of the other symptom lists. She finally convinced her doctor to test her blood sugar and other hormone levels. She still has problems if she runs out of meds and has to pick up more when her doctor's away. After 2-3 days off her thyroid medication, she gets twitchy, cranky and out of sorts. Nurses will often misread these behaviours and try to refer her for psych treatment. She recently took a few bad falls and smashed up the lymph nodes in her legs. Her difficulties are now compounded by a rare condition called lipidema/lymphedema. They still try to refer her for those barbaric gastric bypass surgeries, thinking she's just a big fat glutton. Terrible, the prejudices our healthcare practitioners hold. At least she's smart enough to refuse surgery. Who knows what other systems they'd mess up if they did that to her.

My mom went through similar difficulties. Her diagnosis was CNS Lupus. She had a constant migraine for 10 years. Then again, everything she ate contained aspartame. Bad bad bad. If you consume large quantities of this, stop immediately. Use stevia instead.

I'm not qualified to diagnose you, even if I were to meet you. But the migraines are inconsistent with any mental illness I've studied. So are the yeast infections. Do the yeast infections stop coming back when you wear cotton granny panties? I suspect they are either side effects of the wrong meds, symptoms of a body illness, or something else. Yeast infections and migraines can be symptoms of blood sugar difficulties as well. I don't expect you to discuss all of these health concerns on an open forum, but consider them when you next visit your doctor. Have you hit your head recently? Do you wear glasses? When was your last eye exam? What condition are your teeth in? Infected teeth and the antibiotics required to prevent complications during dental surgery can cause both headaches and yeast infections. Do you have any food allergies? How close to menopause are you? Childbirth? Hysterectomy? Does your period have dramatic effects on your mood, possibly indicating difficulties with hormone changes? Did you suffer from postpartum depression? Don't confuse this with clinical depression. It's a temporary condition caused by hormone fluctuations. The right meds will sometimes help, but women who suffer this condition should consider that it often cures itself in 6-12 months, when the hormone levels get back to normal. The choice to medicate or not medicate should come down to how debilitating the feelings are. Some women medicate mild depressive symptoms after childbirth, and end up messing up their neurotransmitters for years to come. Have you ever injured your neck or spine? (I have problems with this myself--numb patches on my back, neck pain, odd bellyaches for no good reason--all due to pinched nerves. I get tired and apathetic, almost depressed when I don't get a decent amount of exercise, which include special stretches to realign my vertebrae.)

Your list of symptoms is also somewhat consistent with what friends have described as the early warning signs of diabetes. Do you frequently get thirsty, despite drinking 6-8 glasses of water every day? Yeast infections, headaches, and foggy thinking are also symptoms of blood sugar difficulties. Have you ever fainted when your hunger issues drove you away from what you were doing to search for food?

You don't sound dyslexic to me. Dyslexia is not skipping letters when you read bc you're distracted. I do that too. I used to shock my teachers in elementary school with the way I read out loud. My mind processes rapidly, and turns the story into rawkin mind-theatre, while my silly mouth is a line or 2 behind, retranslating the story into something I can share with others. By the time I'm finished with the re-wording, the gyst is the same, but the descriptive passages are often slightly different from the original.

Dyslexia is *image flipping*. I'll see if I can dig up a good picture of human optical nerves for you, bc my description may leave a bit to be desired. Basically, your eyeballs are in the front of your head, while the grey matter that interprets the images is inside that little skullbump at the back of your head, just above your neck. The nerves from your left eye snake through your grey matter to the right side of the back of your head, The right eye, to the left. The images *flip* before your brain can interpret them properly. Dyslexics have *quirky flippers*. They see letters upside down and backwards, and have trouble reading maps bc those images also flip in misleading ways. One of my friends will look at the hands of a clock and have trouble deciphering whether it's 12:55 or 11:05. They need special help in elementary school to be taught how to read at all.

This is the easiest condition to diagnose, if I'm wrong and you are dyslexic. There are some very reliable tests out there. Look into them, if you'd like.

While racing thoughts can be interpreted as a symptom of Bipolar disorder, I'm skeptical about this diagnosis. You do have some symptoms of ADD. Have you had a proper test for it? They're kinda cool. Mine was like a video game where I felt like Luke Skywalker in the cockpit of an x-wing fighter, shooting at flying bad guys. The test measures attention, reaction time, and impulse control. (Ymmv. Different doctors use different tests for this.) Racing thoughts can be caused by anxiety disorders. However, they can also be caused by taking the wrong meds. Wellbutrin made me a twitchy, sleepless, blithering idiot. I still have trouble believing my ADD diagnosis. I don't take meds. I do, however smoke 2 pks/week and drink about a litre of coffee every day. NO. I absolutely do not endorse this kind of self medicating. I'm trying to cut back. Again, my coffee cravings lessen when I get a decent amount of exercise and eat a proper balanced diet.

Some of your symptoms also overlap with fibromyalgia.

This is a tough one. If you weren't on all those meds, I would suggest you ask your GP refer you to an endocrinologist first, and then suggest that you seek out the other specialists to look into the ADD, dyslexia, vision and dental problems, and the fibromyalgia on your own. Maybe try anyway, and ask your GP or endocrinologist if the psych meds will interfere with the tests, if they start looking for other conditions. You will likely be subjected to a good deal of condescension. Drug peddlers all react this way, when their customers prove they're not mindless dupes. Insurance companies also prefer to pay for brain candy over expensive tests that may require x-rays and MRIs.

Be persistent. It's your health, and it's your money. Doctors get paid an obscene amount of money to serve YOU. Make them choke on their John Galt narratives and work for their paychecks like the rest of us.