suicidal

I am in a deep depression. I'm not going to go into the details. I basically told my therapist person to ###$ off a couple of days ago. I am completely alone. I have no friends, no one to talk to at all. I can hardly do anything except cry, sleep, cry, and think about killing myself. It's all I think about most days. I am sure that one day I will do it. It is only a matter of time. I am never going to get better. I probably have BPD. My mother and sister were diagnosed with it. But in my case, no one likes me. I have a dog...that's the only real reason I don't want to go through with it. My dog. She needs me. It doesn't matter to me that I'm intelligent, that I am working on my 2nd MA. What else would I do? Some people were born for McDonald's, I was born for school. It doesn't make me successful or worth anything, despite what others would say. Ultimately I'm a piece of $#%^ with no friends. And I am afraid of getting better. I am upset that so much goes unpunished. If I get better, does that mean they are off the hook for what they did to me?

Dogs make better friends than most people.

mydogismyonlyfriend wrote: If I get better, does that mean they are off the hook for what they did to me?

No. It means you stop punishing yourself for what they did.

It sounds like you need to make some changes in your life. Are you bored with what you are studying? Or are you just unhappy because you are alone?

What do you think makes someone worth something? What do you think makes someone successful? Being a good student is a type of success, yet you aren't satisfied with this. What do you define as worthy?

Have you committed yourself to any causes? Sometimes it helps if you commit to something greater than yourself - to help others or help animals if that is where your love is.

You can always change your life and environment. Maybe take a look at why you are depressed and what exactly do you want to do about it? What goal/dream would you like to accomplish with your life?

4horsegal, maybe you should stick to topics that you know something about. This isn't one of them.

I'm sorry, that was rude. You're right, I do need to make some changes to my life.

For example, I need to change those years and years of horrible abuse and trauma that I went through, day in and day out, that broke me down until there was barely anything left. That's a start.

I also need to change that whole rape and PTSD part of my life. And the part where everyone abandoned me and my family and closest friends called me a slut. I see the wheels are turning. I'm on to something.

I also need to change the fact that I was raised by two people who have BPD. I need to change the fact that I have BPD.

Thanks again for your help.

I can totally relate to your post. Not to go into boring detail about myself, but suffice it to say I am very attractive, very, very smart, and very talented. Yet I am nowhere near rich and famous as I'd like to be, and I don't even have a decent job, and never have.
The way everyone else seems to "fit" into the world around us is simply beyond me. To me the way the world works and people advance in their lives is one puzzling mystery.
It is all I can do to just scrape by, and that requires assistance from a friend. I fear the day he might leave. I see myself on the street, and the local mental health care, from my experience, is a joke, preferring to blame the victim than actually try to cure them.
And yes, I do have a friend, which is more than you say you have, yet I have lost friend after friend after friend with my behavior. Despite my looks I haven't had so much as a date in over 15 years.
I have lost job after job after job.
And all the time I see things I should have and I see others have careers I should have, and I get more and more depressed.
I actually envy you, because you say you are working on your second or third Master's.
I was never able to get through college. I have severe learning disability, and was told that, unless I could pass basic college math, I could not continue in school. I can barely do high school math. Division is a mystery to me.
So, without any kind of degree, I have worked at fast food places, cleaning toilets, etc, the lowest, lowest paid jobs there are, when I should be making about 50k a year as a white collar professional.
At the very least.
And the only advice the mental health people give is "Don't define yourself by your job."
Hard to do when everyone else does. And what about the low pay that bars so many doors?
I said all that to say this: if someone like me, who literally should be at the top of the world but is instead at the bottom and in danger of falling from there, can go on, despite everything, then so can you.
I know two things: nothing happens without a reason. The reason you're going through what you're going there may not come today, or tomorrow. It may take years. But it will come.
Also, although the mental health profession in general mocks God and spirituality, I find that it has been a great help to me where man has been inadequate.
I pray all the time for comfort.
Also, I would throw myself into doing good for others if I were you. Charity work. Takes the focus of yourself, and it helps you realize there are others worse off than you, and you should be grateful for what you have, even if, like me, it is nowhere near what you feel you deserve out of life.
Also, know that there are others willing to listen whenever you want to discuss your problems. Like me.

-- Wed Sep 28, 2011 4:00 pm --

Also, can you tell me if by BPD you mean bi-polar disorder, or borderline personality disorder? I am curious, as I have been labeled both.

Hi Dan,
First, thank you for your post. I appreciated it. And by BPD I mean borderline personality disorder. I also find religion/spirituality helpful. Back when everything turned to crap (the whole rape and abandonment thing) I became super spiritual because I realized God was the only thing I could depend on. Eventually I became a Christian. Lately I became Orthodox...I can't find a perfect church (because there are none!) but decided to not let me BPD drive me to abandoning them all. I need some roots. Although I haven't been going lately anyway, but I digress.

I have been feeling better lately. I've started taking prozac which has helped me actually do what you suggested, to invest in others. So I'm starting a study group for the students in my Greek class, in addition to my normal tutoring, and I tried to reach out to my obviously and seriously BPD cousin. And it does help, especially when I start feeling down again, to have those investments and to see that I actually have a purpose.

I feel sad about your situation. Is there any way you can find to use your intellect? What are you good at? What are your hobbies? I'm not really trying to therapize, but just get to know you. You seem interesting.

Thanks;


I know this posting is about you, but yes, my situation IS sad. I simply do not comprehend the way the world works. Changes occur in the world because of people who choose to make those changes. I just don't get that.
People change their lives. I just don't get that,either.
Without going into boring detail, for it's difficult for me to explain it anyway, I will say that I do not live in the same world most people live in. I live in my own little world, and have since I was a child.
Now, at 42, I am in a crappy, low paying job, which would depress anybody, but especially someone who is smart, talented, and ambitious like me.
I suppose a lot of it has to do with my upbringing. Everything I liked my parents were dead set against. Music, tv shows, movies, etc. Rules and regulations are fine, but they did their best to make me a virtual clone of themselves.
Even after I turned 21 and left home, they still persisted in trying to run my life. Not even that long ago, my dad told me I need to move into a cheaper place.
Yes, perhaps I live in too expensive a place for what I make, but if I lived where I could well afford, I would fear for my safety. Not that that matters to him, so long as they can control who I am.
Where I live is one of the few bright spots in my life. Every day I drag myself to a job I loathe, feeling that there is no way to the life I should be living, or even a better job, something others take for granted, the ability to attempt to better themselves, is a mystery to me.
As far as your question, I AM attempting to write a graphic novel, but even that gets me depressed. The very act of doing it makes me think of how many authors out there have written half a dozen, a dozen or more books BEFORE they were my age, and not thinking it was any big deal, and how many of them still can't make a living at it, so competitive is the field.
Which makes me feel like, here I am, thinking is this novel ever does see the light of day, it's my one shot to change my life, and that probably won't happen.
And I go to my local mental health care experts for help, and they're no help.
It;s like I'm viewing the world around me as if it were another dimension that I am just taking notes on.
Of course that's not how it really is, hence my frustration and fear and anger.
Imagine, being a sexy, talented, smart, ambitious individual who feels like they're already dead and life is nothing but a dream. Imagine being someone whom the opposite sex flirts with constantly, even to the point of being physically demonstrative, yet who hasn't had a date since their twenties, and those went badly, because who wants to date a middle aged person who doesn't have a driver's license, has a crappy job, and both these things are due to them having a mental illness.
I am amazed you got through college with BPD.
Mine makes me act psycho at times, and detached at others. It has greatly affected my life, to the point where even with medication I can just manage to cope with the basics, and succeeding in life is a pipe dream.

Obviously your BPD is more debilitating for you than mine is for me. Many people, once they hear about my life, say something along the lines of "I'm surprised you are doing as well as you are." I don't know whether to be flattered or offended that they didn't know I had character and fortitude. Perhaps my life is, in a sense, a miracle, which I have to attribute to God. Also, a professor took me under his wing and I've had a relationship with him for close to 10 years now. I was fortunate to have someone invest in me and urge me to excel and who believes in me. I'm attractive when I want to be, but since I get the most praise for my schoolwork, that is what I dedicate myself to. I don't have the time or the interest in making myself a sexual object for some tool who can't recognize my brilliance. Basically, I believe I'm single because I have high standards and men aren't worth sacrificing a promising career in academia.

I hope you can find the recognition and validation you seek.