My wasted life

Hello. Here's something you might find interesting.
I'm a 50+ yo white male.

So right away I'm sure that:
He's over 50: No hope for him. We don't waste our time on that. (Medical profession)
White male? He's what's wrong with the world! "F" HIM! Hell, kill 'em all! (The vast majority of society, brainwashed masses, and certainly all women)

There, that should all have you all hating my guts already, no? But it's largely true.

Well there's more....

My whole life, from my earliest memories, has been one of absolute, total rejection by my fellow man.

As best as I can determine I was merely a "birthday present" to my mother. I was conceived on her birthday simply as a cheap trick to keep my parents loveless marrige together. And my whole childhood I was treated just as you might expect from such an arrangement. After the novelty of having a kid (only child) wore off: I was an un-loved bother. I was un-nurtured. God forbid I went outside, that would bring dirt in the house! I was little more than a pet dog. I was not allowed to have friends because my mother hated her adopted country (war bride) and its people. This attitude was instilled into me. My father could do little to help the situation because he was non-assertive and my mother was a raging, viciously verbally abusive closet NAZI.

My school years I had very few friends. None were what you would call close. I have had no contact with anyone from my hometown for decades. My extended family treated me like an alien. As far as I can remember they all hated me and my family. My aunt recently died. She wrote me a letter with no return address to her nursing home. She was the one closest to me and my dad.

I spent 5 years in college getting a chemisty degree. I formed not one single friendship while there. The other students in lab classes refused to be my lab partner despite the fact I was one of the best students in the program. I scored above the 98th percentile on the GRE. There was one unfortunate female there that I basicly forced myself on who would very reluctantly work wih me. I would basicly stalk her and force her to have lunch with me. After several years of this I found I was not worth so much as a quarter for a phone call from her after graduation.

Skipping ahead several decades I now live, alone, friendless, and considered the neighborhood weirdoo. My neighbor delights in littering my yard with cigarette butts and dog $#%^. He is a complete asshole who I have done absolutely nothing to who moved in here several years ago wreaking total havok on the neighborhood with his noise, filth, and generally illegal and antisocial behavior. They all love him and hate my guts. It's like this everywhere I go. If I go in a local restaurant I'm treated like $#%^ and it's clear they don't want my business. If I go to, say, a doctors office I'm stared at, ridiculed, mocked, disrespected and abused. I dress and act just like everybody else. If I say please and thank you people roll their eyes and smirk. When I walk through a doorway, the woman in front of me lets the door slam in my face without a thought. If I object, I'm threatened with death and inprisonment.

I now live in a society that is daily bombarded with images and noise that demean my very right to life. It is obvious that women of my race utterly hate my guts. In spite of the fact I'm a liberal democrat I'm treated as though I am resposible for all the repression in the world. They make it clear they would much rather have a drooling, filthy, diseased, low-IQ, sociopathic woman-hater than me.

So here I sit. I'm just waiting for your sage advice as to what I should do at this stage of my life.

wasted_life

See now, here is what you don't get...^_^U People already think you're a drooling, filthy, diseased, low-IQ, sociopathic woman-hater, just because of your age. It's a stereotype, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it more than other people your race and age. You're childhood sucked, as well as the rest of your life, at least that's what it sounds like. And that's all I have to say. I'm sorry that your life sucks so much that you're online asking for peoples advice. I don't know what to say. 'Hang in there' isn't really a good thing to say, neither is "It'll all work out soon." because it sounds like it won't. But just live with it. Deal with it. Move somewhere where the neighbor isn't an ass. I'm afraid you'll find people that you deal with everyday everywhere, but hopefully, you can find somewhere where the people that live right next to you aren't assholes. That's all the advice I've got. I wish I had more, and I'm not even sure if this is advice. But hey. Maybe something might change sometime. You never know.

Hi. , I have a similar background. Actually, very similar. I am only 46 though.

I grew up in boarding homes and an orphanage and never really made any close friends. I went into college on a scholarship. My degree was in Physics. You beat me on the GRE. I scored in the 94th percentile on the Physics GRE. I got a free ride at Columbia in graduate school and dropped out after the first year after going into a very deep depressive episode and not being able to handle people. I remember my advisor asking me if I had any mental problems. I was doing the work fine but wasnt showing up to lectures and I guess people knew I was a bit odd. Looking back that was a mistake as I still enjoy Physics. Spend a lot of my spare time on the subject. Besides work its probably what keeps me from going bonkers--getting deeply immersed in some mathematics or physics text.

I never had a family to bug me so I guess I am lucky in that regard. I can't relate there about parents harassing you and such. I have an Uncle I have talked to before but he pretty much leaves me be. As far as friends, ditto on that. Always had trouble. I have a friend I met in group therapy that I am realtively close with interpersoanlly. Other than that, I never had anyone close to relate to. I have avoidant issues though and generally avoid people and social situations.

Yes, dating and all that can be tough, especially if people think you are different. Yes, some girls and women can be mean, especially if you are geeky and wierd, like I was. Just like all people, there are mean and nice women but some do seem to genuinely enjoy making you feel like whale $#%^ at the bottom of the ocean. Not all are like that though. Its just a matter of finding nice ones. I went through kind of a smilar misogynyst thought process when I was in my 20's and 30's---"don't even bother wiasting your time--women are just all self centered and manipulative whores", etc. I think this was anger because I never knew my mother and wanted an excuse to not have to deal with women. Group therapy and interacitng with women changed that. Some women got jacked around by guys, too and feel the same way. People are people. There are good ones and just downright nasty ones.

As far as the neighbor situation, throw the dog $#%^ back in his yard if his dog does that. The cigarette butts, too. Or call the cops on him.

I'm sorry to hear about your life, but pitty is not what you need. You need advice and encouragement, right?

Well, first of being fifty does not mean that you are old, it also does not mean you are the only one who has had such a life. My boyfriend who is twenty has the exact sam esituation with his parents as you did. What I think is best for you to do right now is say f**k them all. In your head of course. Why would you want to spend your time thinking about people who didn't even take the time to get to know you? You should find a hobby of some sort, something you love doing, and simply ignore the rest of the world. I've been treated like you've described all of my life, for a long time I kept thinking there was something wrong with me. But no, there wasn't, it was the people aroung me who had an issue with anyone who thought differently than them, and their way of viewing the world was very disturbing, stone-aged. Make the home you live in your home, your sanctuary, do the things you love without wasting a moment of your time thinking what anyone else thought about it. Read some of Paulo Coehlo's books, they're allegorical but you will understand the message they send. And the message is never to give up.

You are nor old nor ugly, you only see yourself that way if you choose. Other people see you in so many different ways that you can't even imagine. If you focus on only the negative, you aren't going to notice anything positive... a small glance from a stranger, a smile from a woman you've never met before. It is never too late, it's too late only when you decide so. And please don't. This cruel world needs more good people in it.

I understand your confusion.

I agree with most of the previous posts , care for the people that care for you , stuff the rest . I have had much heartache and tragedy in my life , but what keeps me going is loving my inner self . You receive what you believe in this world , if you think the world is against you things will never get better . I hope just by reading these posts , you will begin to believe that decent , kind people do exist . Best wishes

Your life has not been a waste. Always have hope!

Your life sounds a lot like mine.
By all rights, I should now be living a very, very good life, the envy of many, or at least way better than I am.
I was an attractive child, smart, funny, talented and ambitious.
You would assume that a child with those qualities would turn into an adult that has a pretty good life. Perhaps living in a city, in a hip condo, with a hot girlfriend and a successful career.
The only way I've ever had any of those things or probably will is to dream them.
My actual life is a low paying, menial job. I am treated with no respect at work, or by society in general due to what I do for a living.
The job is bad. Really, really bad. Yet, due to my mental problems, I am "fortunate" to have any work at all, so I keep shuffling in there, day after day, despite the fact it literally makes me nauseous just thinking of the job.
As far as dating, I gave that up years and years ago. I get flirted with all the time, but it has become clear to me that women do not want anything to do with a mentally ill man. Neither do others, so friends have been few and far between as well.
I have stalked a woman or two. At the time I didn't see the error of that, which is part of my illness.
I have been in jail for my illness. (Not stalking)
It has finally dawned on me that I view the world completely the opposite from most, and that is why I am at the bottom economically and socially, when I should be near the top.
I have gone for help, and the best the so called experts can say is "Be happy anyway" or "It's all your fault. Just change your life."
Duh. If I could just change my life I'd be normal like you, and would have done it already don't you think?
Realistically, unless a miracle occurs, I don't see my life changing. I will probably be 50 like you, still in a dead end job, my dreams still unfulfilled, my life still devoid of a romantic relationship or sex.
I am not suicidal, but am hoping that somehow my life ends before that. I . I do not want to see 50.
So, how do I handle it?
I hope against all hope. I pray. I tell myself nothing, nothing happens without a reason, so there must be a reason for this.
I also emphasize my qualities to myself, and tell myself no matter who pities me, mocks me, disrespects me, or considers me society's whipping boy due to my job, I am very smart and talented, and it may not manifest itself, but it is there, and they can't take that away from me.

No your life is not wasted you should think about you and the people related to you.

Wow. I can't believe that someone would be that hated for doing absolutely nothing. Is there a part of the story you have been leaving out for us?

However, I can sort of relate to being hated for no reason. I used to make my sister insanely angry by just talking. It was apparently my voice that annoyed her.

So I'm wondering what causes people to treat you immediately with such disdain. It's true that your race, age and gender probably play a factor (when I hear of a single 50+ white male my mind immediately jumps to immoral sex tourist, it could be that you are being stereotyped) but clearly that is not all the case as not all other 50+ white males are treated this way and your problems originated before reaching such a stage in your life. It could be your attitude, your mannerisms, something you are unaware of. You may come across as unintentionally, rude or weak. Clearly there is something unappealing about your personality. If I were you I would go see a therapist or somebody and ask them to honestly tell you what they think is so unlikable about you, and discuss ways you could change this. It would be more ideal to ask a person who is being rude to you exactly what about you they dislike, but they probably wouldn't give you the honest answer you are looking for but . . .who knows maybe confronting them would reap some benefits.

I would tell you what is so unappealing about you , but I can't really tell from your post. My guess is that maybe you are an unhappy person and hence not a pleasure to be around . . . but that's not always the case, like you can be unhappy but still be a pleasure to be around if you know how to fake smile and turn on the charm, but what I also think is your problem is that you are an outsider, you don't fit in. Like how I used to be bullied for being a weirdo outsider when I was young, but then when I got older I got friends and learned to be social and fun. But that never happened for you. You apparently never have had close friends. which is seriously sad. <- although I'm having a hard time feeling sad for you and I'm trying to identify why as it may be helpful to you. I think it's your . . . tired/bitter/I'm innocent attitude that may piss people off and make them unsympathetic. It makes them feel exasperated like o please you are just making excuses. Basically, you are disliked because your life speaks of unfortunate truths that people don't believe in or want to hear about. I know what that's like. In 8th grade I was hated for the same reason by my doctors and therapists for saying I didn't have ADD because I didn't. however my parents had got all my teachers to lie and say I did have it so there was a lot of "evidence" against me and so they didn't believe me and my protests just pissed them off.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that you never have had close friends and about what happened with the girl from college. I've learned you shouldn't force these type of things but in your case that probably seemed like the only option.

Basically, you seem like the victim of a hard life and aren't being treated with the kindness and respect you deserve. My advice would be . . . learn to express yourself differently. Try and be more likeable. Fake it. you don't want to come off desperate and weak but, by being extra friendly it will be harder for people to dislike you. There's a saying: To make a friend, be a friend. I know you've never really had a friend, but what do you think a friend would be like? act like that. By acting fake friendly may actually lead you to getting a friend, and then maybe after being friends with them for a while . . .you won't have to fake it anymore.

Anyway, lot's of luck,
<3 Supasta