I always think I'm going to fail

I've always found it to be this cruel irony; on the outside I'm so fortunate, but internally, I have none of the discipline or sense of responsibility one would need to make anything of their talents. In the external world, I've been handed everything anyone could ever possibly ask for to achieve anything they'd ever want. I'm incredibly lucky and I try to remind myself of this often. I'm hesitant to elaborate for fear of coming off as a boaster, and I despise when people try to brag and act like they aren't; however, I find it to be relevant to the situation to do a little boasting (hehe) just to give you guys a clearer understanding of my perspectives (I'll try to keep it modest). Well, in terms of finances, I can't say that I'm from a fabulously wealthy family and I'll never have to worry about anything, but I can say that I was given more than enough assistance to have done something by now. My mom helped buy my first car, and also bought a newer car for me when I she felt I needed it. When I moved out she continued to pay my phone and my car insurance well into my 20's, and she'd give me a little money when she could to help out with rent and classes. My dad would also give me a little money every month, and at TWO different times in my life, he gave me $20,000 so that I could do something with myself. That's all over, but still, I had plenty of opportunity.

This is where I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, so I'll keep it quick and suffice it to say, my IQ has scored decently enough that one should feel good about it, I'm considered attractive, I put a lot of effort into dressing nicely, I grew up the class clown, and am usually the jokester; to sum it up, i'm generally considered pretty well spoken, charming, and presentable.

So, what's the twist? Well, my mom is crazy, schizophrenic. I grew up with zero structure, only saw my dad (who in fairness is brilliant and cool and normal, and I can see why he got the hell away from my mom) every other weekend. Grew up failing in school and not fitting in. Later on, getting picked on, failing miserably, socially awkward, expelled three times; I ended up finally getting kicked out of high school and going on a joke of an educational program that was independent study, meaning for the three and half years of my life where others were making best friends, getting into relationships, going to dances, falling in love for the first time, having their heart broken for the first time, going through the foundational things that will form their adult lives; I was a hermit, with no friends, who was scared to leave the house for fear he'd run into the kids that bullied him. Trapped at home day-in-and-out with that crazy mother I told you about. My life quickly began revolving around the internet, I developed a serious porn addiction that 10 years later I only now feel I am starting to truly overcome, and at 18 I got myself into therapy and began the gradual process of working through clinical depression, anxiety disorders, social awkwardness, no idea who I was, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, and it goes on-and-on...

So where am I today, well, much better thank you. Not so socially awkward, gone through relationships and friends like normal people do, and I am starting to really feel like I almost really know myself; but that streak of failures, that just doesn't go away, man. I've had more jobs that I care to try to count right now, probably fired from more than half of them, gave up on the others, struggled through Jr college for four years and when I finally got accepted to a four year university, I just moved to LA instead and haven't gone back to school or figured out what I wanted to do since. LA was a disaster, went through all my money like I've done every time I get money, nothing useful to show for it, came back home to figure out how to get my life on track, and three years later, here I am still.

I believe that all of this happens, because due to the shortage of successes (to say the least) in my childhood and adolescence, I've developed a belief to my very core that I'm going to fail. Whether it be that I will give up, or that I just simply won't be able to do well, I believe, with everything that I try, that I will ultimately fail. I have a laundry list of things I KNOW I could do, and would LOVE to get out and really commit myself to, but they never become more than half-assed hobbies I dink around with in my room. I'm approaching 29 and I still can't even hold down a job. I've over come a lot in my life, and this is the next big one that I need to get through.

I truly do apologize for how long this is and I really do hope some of you read it and could give some good advice or point me in a good direction.

Duplicated thread: Please follow this link for the main thread:

living-with-mental-illness/topic52242.html

Kevin