guilt

I am 28 years old and have bipolar disorder and a slight touch of obsessive compulsive disorder. I have been married for 1 1/2 years. During the course of our relationship (we've known each other for 8 years) I have hurt her many times by cheating on her, doing drugs, and threatening to kill myself because sometimes my depression is so severe. Within the past few days, for whatever reason, I have been able to put myself in her shoes and become empathetic to her feelings. I wondered what it would be like to be in her shoes and when I put myself in them I became completely devastated to the point of tears. I have been ruminating on this (a possible sympton of OCD) and feeling so much guilt for hurting her that I can't seem to let it go. Can anyone share some knowledge with me on how to cope with the guilt that I'm feeling?

Hi eblake00,

Welcome to the forums.

You realized this now. That's a hugely important step toward making amends. It's the "AHA!" moment.

For me, dealing with guilt means either making amends or, when that's not possible, paying it forward.

I think it would be good for you to tell your wife this, exactly the way you said it--maybe even print it out and give it to her in a letter. I would do it as information, not as an apology. Here's why: an apology implies external forgiveness. You first have to forgive yourself. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you're great all of a sudden. It means that you're back to neutral. What's done is done. It's what you do differently that matters.

It's possible that doing this might cause an explosion from her; I don't know her and I can't say for sure. Sometimes, when people receive an apology they get flooded with feelings. So you'll have to be prepared for it.


Or you can say nothing and just make a silent resolution to either mend the past or, if you can't, move forward...and, like the saying goes, "don't do it again".

And if she asks why you're doing nice things for her and being on your best behavior, you can say something along the lines of, "A while ago, I realized how I've been acting and how it affected you. So I've been doing my best to be good to you. I don't expect it to make up for anything I did. But I don't want to keep doing the things I did before." I actually wrote that to someone before. Take what you will.

--Frayed

Frayed,

Great advice. Thank you! I will do exactly as you said...doing nice things for her simply to do nice things for her and not worry about the past. Thanks again...I am finally feeling a little better about this.

No problem. Feel free to stick around the forums, in case you need support while you're forming the new, good habits.

Take care. Don't forget to be good to yourself, too.

--Frayed