I'm hanging on as desperately as I can...

I don’t feel safe anymore. Reality is, in my mind at least, losing its solidity. Everything around me feels like a thin illusion; sometimes I think when I look at a wall that nothing at all is on the other side. It’s like a fragile paper box that could rip open at any second to reveal this horrible screeching black void that I will fall into and be lost floating alone forever. I can feel it, beyond everything, like it wants me. I’m absolutely terrified (the “something’s coming to get me and it’s standing right behind me” feeling). Often it keeps me from sleeping.

Two nights ago I found myself scared that the floor would suddenly become insubstantial and I would go right through it. I kept imagining myself struggling and suffocating. It was horrible. I knew it wasn’t actually going to happen, but the feeling was unbearable and even left me crying. And the worst part? It’s not the first time that’s happened, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. I’m sick of this and I don’t think I can take much more. Is there anything at all I can do to stop this thing? I don’t want to keep living in a nightmare.

Ulalume, are you getting treatment? This must be so hard for you, but don't lose hope, please. There must be medication that can help you and you can come here when you need to talk. I wish I could be of more help. How are you feeling?

Yes, I am currently seeing a counselor, but I'm really strongly against medication. I've been diagnosed so far with depression and anxiety, and I also have some issues with paranoia.

I'm not feeling too badly at the moment; it seems this tends to bother me more at night for some reason. Luckily it doesn't happen every night, but when it does happen it hits me pretty badly.

What does your counsellor say? It might help to have something that reminds you of where you are and of the fact that you're safe with you all the time.

I mentioned this to my counselor, but when I said something about reality feeling like a box, she seemed to get the idea that I was saying I felt trapped by it, which is, of course, the opposite of what I meant. I tried to explain it again, but I don't think it really helped much.

Have you thought about finding some special therapy for your condition, if you're against medication? Maybe this woman just can't understand.

If you are able I suggest reading into some of the symptoms of PTSD. Some of what you wrote reminded me of how a person who is living through a trigger. A proper Psychologist is the only one who can correctly diagnose your condition. You used the word counselor. Is your counselor a Mental health professional? I hope that you have a easier day/night.
With Hope,
O

I am not certain what to say either..I know a lot of people don't like taking medication..but perhaps just try it. Or have you already?