I could use some advice.

Hey everyone,

My names john I’m 27 and from the uk. I could really use some help. I’m so confused about myself. I kinda have some issues and I just don’t know if it’s a problem that I need to get looked at or if I’m just being a twat. I could really use an outside opinion to help me try and get a little perspective on this.

I’ve always suffered from bouts of depression since as long as I can remember. They normally go on for no longer than 6-9 months. I’ve taken pills for it in the past but they have never really seemed to help and I don’t like to take them because I like to deal with things on my own. The episodes always seem to start for no reason and end equally as abruptly. They seem to happen every 2-3 years. I usually end up loosing my job, getting into financial trouble so every time I come out of it I have to start my life over a new. But its cool I guess that’s just me. We all have our crosses to bear.

Most of the gaps in between these episodes I’m pretty emotionally dead. I have my times of supper productivity which are cool this is when I really seem to achieve everything good in my life. But some times I get a little over enthusiastic and making poor decisions and over committing myself in ways that I can never hope to live up to.

This time though has been so different. Before last Christmas I gave it all up and tried to kill myself 3 times. The first time was a bit lame. The second time I really tried and the 3rd time I ended up getting my arms sewn back together. But anyway $#%^ happens. I’m still feeling pretty down but I understand that so its ok.

I’ve started self harming again a little its not a big deal but its just so shameful having to make sure its covered all of the time and burns scar so badly as well.

What I don’t understand is my moods. They are so erratic. I can go from balling my eyes to happy and full of passivity within a couple of minutes. Its only odd days but I get so stupidly hyper I cant sit down when I talk my mouth just cant keep up with my brain. But the most worrying is the rage. I’m such a calm unviolent person but it just takes me. I have got myself into trouble with the police because of my recently exgirl friend. I became so obsessed with her new lover that there were times when I really thought I would kill him. I spent days and nights fantasizing the whole thing.

I cant make decisions if I’m asked something as simple as “do you want to go out on Friday” I cant think. I get so stressed and my goes blank and I don’t know what I want. I stammer and everything. Stupid situations stress me beyond belief I sweat, stammer I get so confused and I cant think. I’m sure it looks really funny from the outside.

I get phases where I cant deal with people at all. If the phone rings I feel hunted and persecuted. If I’m in the house I shut all of the curtains and turn the lights off so no one will know I’m there. Some days I will go anywhere just not to be at home because it makes me feel so trapped like that will know where to find me. If the door knocks I panic and hide . I get so stressed I cant understand why they would be doing this to me.

My memory is $#%^. I forget everything like whole chunks of my day names faces things I have arranged to do. It doesn’t hinder my life to badly but makes me look like an idiot.

Every time my mood changes I feel so different. Like I cant even imagine how or why I felt the way I did 10 minutes ago. I make decisions that I cant understand. I seem to spend my whole life chasing my own arse paying for mistakes that I don’t understand why I made. I cant talk to my therapist about it cos if I don’t feel it its like it doesn’t exist. Its so confusing I just don’t even know what is me anymore. I don’t know if it is even real of if I just made it up to ###$ with myself. Its like being half a dozen people each with there own agenda but not cos I know its all me.

But at the same time any and all of these symptoms can disappear if I’m in company. Its like my training kicks in and I behave the way I know I should. It is so tiring being with people it feels like i am just placating them like children giving them a little of what they want to make them feel better. It almost feels like I’m looking down on them and there petty human needs. I’m not explaining it right but I hope you understand a little. If people ask me personal or probing questions my mid shuts down I keep talking but in my brain I find something in the room and start making shapes out of it or drawing lines of symmetry through it.

In the last 5 months I have lost 3 jobs a girlfriend and nearly my home. At times I don’t even care and yet at other times I care so much. Its so confusing. I don’t understand if I’m ok and I’m just being $#%^ or if I really am having issues. I guess I just want someone to say this is wrong with you or there’s nothing wrong with you pull yourself together man!!

Thanks for listening I could really use some advice.

John

No, you're not being a twat, I think you have some serious issues. I would suggest making an exhaustive list of problems on paper, and take it to a professional.

I think your a totally normal person with a great capacity, you can talk to people, you can live normally, your brain is just advancing, and think, why to look back? Your brain is in a process wich I would call "fragmentation", lsd has sort of same effects on consumers. I have the same problem as you, its so hard to explain, but for me fortunatly I love thinking in each option wich lots of ideas, imagination would be a correct term.

If your interested in reading something that may help you solve this issue read this. Please id really appreciate a comment back.
Thank you and enjoy!

http://www.psychforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=23958

Christmas is a hard time to be alone thank you for your replies.

I took your advice Philo and went to the docs. I don’t think he really listened me but he gave me some pills and referred me to the doc at the hospital so I guess that’s something. Have a follow up appointment tomorrow I’m not that great with the docs they stress me hugely and I get the shakes real bad but I hope I got everything across t the ok. I’m not sure I believe in them but what else do I have.

Sexology, I dunno man. I have thought at times that I might be the evolution of man kind I see so much more clearly than all of the mindless cattle but that $#%^ cant be right my head cant cope I just want to fit in with all of them and be happy but at the same time I don’t, ###$ I don’t know 6 billion people cant be wrong. And as for the god stuff maybe I just didn’t understand it I read it loads of times. I wanted to hear your revelation. I have wondered if the spiritual world is where I need to look for answers but I just don’t think that Christian god is for me. I hope I haven’t offended you and thank you so much both of you for replying to me.

I hope the new year brings good things to everyone

john

Admitting you have mental problems does not have to mean that you're not more intelligent than most people. Perhaps you are. But it's not your mental problems that make you more intelligent. As to the mental health system, it sucks, but sometimes it helps. More often than religion, that's for sure. Maybe you'll get a drug that works well for you. Happy New Year.

Hi luckyned,

Most of the things you describe do indicate severe depression. Taking meds is one option but it takes some patience to find the right one and commitment on your part to contnue taking them until you can get the rest of your issues addressed. Some people get off of anti'ds, others like me, will always take them just like a diabetic needs his insulin.

Intelligence can actually work against you causing you to try to find "rationale" in what is not. It causes a continual need for understanding where there really isn't any.

Good luck,

N.