there is hope

well i wanted to share with everyone that since yesterday morning ive actually been in a good mood!!!! seriously this is HUGE news for me. the last time i recall feeling like this was for half a day back at the start of May this year....yep nearly 6 months ago. ok so i cant go as far as saying i am 'happy' at this moment but this is certainly the closest ive got to it for ages.

i dont know what happened....maybe its cos i managed to get some work handed in on time that had been stressing me out for a long time, maybe its cos a random stranger said he liked me, maybe its that my recent increase in dose of anti-depressants has started having an effect, maybe its cos ive opened up to the possibility that there is a God, maybe its cos i met such inspirational people here who have been so very kind to me, or maybe its cos i realised that i have to start helping myself get better by looking after my physical, social and emotional needs. i dunno, but something has changed, i feel completely different. the dark cloud of despair is no longer hanging over me. although i still have TONNES of work to do its not making me really low. i dont feel like i should stay locked away from everyone. little things are not annoying and/or upsetting me...like i had to do some group work yesterday which i hate cos im a perfectionist and i get annoyed at others for not having my high standards but i was able to keep this under control and not let it bother me.....and when i spilled a drink i didnt think it was cos the whole world is against me! whats more....i dont feel suicidal.

i just wanted to share the good news with everyone in the hope it might offer others some hope that things really can get better. If uve read any of my other posts u'll know that less than a week ago I was ready to throw my life away. I know what it feels like hate everything and everyone. i know what its like to think there is no way out.....but now i have hope. there is a way out. life is worth living. although i hope this good mood will continue, at the same time i acknowledge that things are likely to get worse again soon (what with more pressure at uni or problems with friends - these triggers will not go away). this isnt being pessimistic, its being realistic.....with depression thats been going on for as long as ive had it, things dont just miraculously get better over night. but the next time i do get dangerously low again i will have the memory of these couple of days to remind me that things can get better. and they will with time and some hard work. i will be happy one day

If only...

Glad you are having a good day; I hope it is the beginning of a streak. Sometimes it is like receiving an unexpected gift...enjoy it to its fullest.

Best,

N.

Excellent ifonly...,

keep the hard work. Never give up. Allow yourself to be depressed now and then, (don't be too harsh to youself), but try that to be the exception not the rule:)