No Hope

I've posted around the forum a bit, read other peoples' posts. But then I came across this forum, and I am so glad I did because a lot of what I have been feeling lately, a lot of what has been fueling my sadness, my depression, my loneliness... has to do with hope. Or a lack thereof.

People often define hope as a reason to get up and get out of bed in the morning. A reason to move forward and accomplish things in life. Personally, I do not have this. I have no hope. I have nothing to look forward to every day. I used to- or at least I thought I did. But I no longer do. Any hope that I thought I had, has been destroyed.

Now, every day is just a struggle just to get out of bed and into the shower. If I don't have to work, chances are I won't do either. I then come home, open a bottle of wine or whatever I have and drink until I pass out. Usually this is accompanied by a lot of tears, questioning what is wrong with me, what have I done wrong, why am I alone, why does nobody love me or care about me.

I just see no light at the end of the tunnel anymore. There's no more hope for me. Nobody in my life to turn to, to help lift me up, to help lift my spirits. Just me, my cat, and the bottle.

Moscato wrote:People often define hope as a reason to get up and get out of bed in the morning.

Hope is the anticipation of possibility and taking place of future positive experiences.

There is some difference between motivation and hope. Money, food, etc. can be a motivator to suffer heteronomy (not bad in itself) in a nasty environment.

Lack of motivation can also stem from lack of strenght unter adverse conditions. There are strategies to cope and improve your position.

Hope for me has something more to do with sense, with vital (maybe immaterial) goals.

Moscato wrote:questioning what is wrong with me, what have I done wrong, why am I alone, why does nobody love me or care about me.

Do you love anybody? Do you care about anybody?

There is an aphorism (I forgot by whom): If you long for having a friend, then learn to be a friend for someone.

A lot depends on yourself. What are your assets? Your dreams? Will you unveil or revive a dream or motivator in yourself, that is worthwhile for you to pursue in your life?

I'm here for you.

Thank you Vernon. Those are very comforting words to hear

saila wrote:Do you love anybody? Do you care about anybody?

There is an aphorism (I forgot by whom): If you long for having a friend, then learn to be a friend for someone.

A lot depends on yourself. What are your assets? Your dreams? Will you unveil or revive a dream or motivator in yourself, that is worthwhile for you to pursue in your life?

Of course I do. That has to be perhaps the one thing I have going for me- I care, a lot. There are people in my life who I care about a great deal, who I would like to have better relations with. Unfortunately they have either hurt me in some way, so I've turned away from them, or they show no interest in wanting to be part of my life, or show no interest in wanting me to be part of their life, so I do not even bother.

As for my assets and dreams... I don't even know anymore. I thought I had talent in a particular area, but I have begun to question myself as of late. Even those who used to support and encourage me and give me praise no longer do, so it must be because I am no good. So the dream I had, is a thing of the past.

Moscato wrote:Of course I do. That has to be perhaps the one thing I have going for me- I care, a lot. There are people in my life who I care about a great deal, who I would like to have better relations with. Unfortunately they have either hurt me in some way, so I've turned away from them, or they show no interest in wanting to be part of my life, or show no interest in wanting me to be part of their life, so I do not even bother.

You could still turn to other people. There are folks who will appreciate someone. But I too find it very difficult to find compatible peers.

Moscato wrote:Even those who used to support and encourage me and give me praise no longer do, so it must be because I am no good. So the dream I had, is a thing of the past.

It is important to share passions with others. But there are things that vitalise us, when we pursue them alone. It seems to be practical for me to stand on two legs: alone/together. If you find no peers momentarily, stretch out your "alone"-leg also.

Where do you live? No. There are a lot, at least a few, of worthwile options.

Start to cut down the drinking for starters on one day of the week and go fishing, etc.

If you were my neighbour, I would pull you out for skiing or whatever tommorow. Think of it some days while drinking, then pull yourself out once this or next week.

saila wrote:You could still turn to other people. There are folks who will appreciate someone. But I too find it very difficult to find compatible peers.

It is important to share passions with others. But there are things that vitalise us, when we pursue them alone. It seems to be practical for me to stand on two legs: alone/together. If you find no peers momentarily, stretch out your "alone"-leg also.

Where do you live? No. There are a lot, at least a few, of worthwile options.

Start to cut down the drinking for starters on one day of the week and go fishing, etc.

If you were my neighbour, I would pull you out for skiing or whatever tommorow. Think of it some days while drinking, then pull yourself out once this or next week.

That's one of my struggles. I have a medical condition that prevents me from being able to drive. So even getting out and going somewhere is a challenge. I get up and go for walks if it's nice (which it only has been the past couple of days), but after living in the same town for 12 years, there are only just so many places you can go. I live in rural northern New England. It's an incredibly small town, run down by drugs and violence. Not a whole lot going for it. Not a whole lot to go out and see. If you really want to do anything, if you want to get away from it all... you need a car. You need to be able to drive. That's not a luxury I have. I am stuck where I am. And public transportation is limited at best.

I wish you were my neighbor. I wish I had somebody who thought of me enough to say "hey let's do something today!".

Yes, not having transportation narrows your options down extremely. But I am sure there remain a couple of worthwile options for more activities.

Can you drive using some strategy you thought was to difficult or laborious until now? I question, that it is impossible for you to drive.

Yet, in a 5 mile radius from you, there must be hundreds of persons also hoping for someone to ask for them. Many of which are having cars, and sit alone at home drinking and being depressive.

Even in a 5 mile radius around my house there must be a lot of people even I would be able to share something with...

I have three buddies here for activities, in a 60 mile radius. The farthest away one of them has no car, and he is happy, when I pick him up for activities. He is alone, has also some mental issues, among them depression, most of all because of social and financial depravation. I am proud to know him, he is the best mountaineer I know.

saila wrote:Can you drive using some strategy you thought was to difficult or laborious until now? I question, that it is impossible for you to drive.

I am epileptic. Now, my seizures are not so bad that I cannot function, and therefore cannot drive... but because I do have them, nobody will teach me. I have been trying for 16 years to find somebody to teach me- even at one point reaching out to complete strangers (and not mentioning my seizures) by posting ads on Craigslist saying I'll pay for time, for gas... and no takers.

A few years back I had an amazing job opportunity that relied very heavily on me getting my license and a car. I had the job but was on a 90-day probation period. If I couldn't get my license and a car, I would be let go. I was up front with friends and family about this and still, even for the sake of a really great career opportunity, and for my future... still, nobody would help me to get my license.

And it's any wonder why I question why people care about me, or why there's any hope. It's situations like these. I can't just get my license on my own. I can't just go to the DMV and take the test... I need to practice. I need to be taught how to drive. And I need to borrow somebody's car for the test. And I can't just take driver's ed, because I need to practice outside of class as well. So either way, I need somebody to help me. And nobody will.