What is this existance? Is there hope?

Hi, I'm a 20 year old art student studying 3D product design, I've been sitting here for a half hour like a high school student writing an essay, not having a clue where to start. I guess I'll just start off by mentioning that for most of my life I've been quite previliged in regards to having a good family, friends, and general living standards etc. But my problem is that I've never once in my life felt any sort of deep connection with another human being, I've never once felt like I'm living life for myself but always for someone else, if that makes sense. I don't understand 99% of the $#%^ people do in their daily lives, like does anyone else around me ######6 realise that we live on a small rock in an infinite universe thats how many billions of years old, and out of all of that we've been given 70 or so years (If youre lucky) to experience it, are we just all going to keep ignoring the fact that everyone dies? Are we just going to keep going to that 9-5, stressing about everything that frankly i couldnt give 2 $#%^ about? What about just living, is that even an option anymore in this system we're trapped in? Imagine you could look back on your life after you died, how many of us would regret almost every decision we ever made in place of just being happy.

Thats what I really struggle with, and I think the reason why I can't connect with anyone, I don't do small talk, in fact I hardly talk at all, with anyone. I dont have anything important to say that the people around me would understand, when Im around people I feel like I have no emotions, over time ive just made myself distant, sort of by choice. And I'm not saying that I don't have any emotions, the opposite in fact, I feel a lot more emotionally intelligent than i am academically, where as its the other way around with most people. Ive never felt like I belonged anywhere even as a kid, I was never down about it, just accepted it, but as time goes on it gets harder, its difficult to find any motivation in life when you feel like everyone around you is delusional and you never have anyone there by your side that you can turn to.

I'm quite a reserved, introverted person, most of the time I just play computer games, its not even that i really enjoy them anymore, its just a kind of escape, I'm having a lot of trouble getting the motivation to got to classes and do my work even though its something I somewhat enjoy, and I know that failing is going to cost me thousands of dollars in debt as Ive already experienced with university, but I just dont seem phased by it, Its one of those cases of digging yourself a deeper hole, but to me its not worth the stress.

I've never had a girlfriend before, and Id like to think that If I did I would find motivation and it would make everything easier, but I also think Im over-glorifying it and have a false sense of what a relationship might be which makes me even more heisitant to want to make any sort of commitment, and the thing that scares me even more than that is what i might do if it ended.

I feel like running away to some third world country and living in a small community where people actually give a $#%^ about each other and not their money and the things they have, a place where you can live in relative peace until its your time to go, and you can be happy about the short time youve spent on this Earth. The fact that those kinds of places are even called third world countries shows how ###$ up all of this is haha, anyways I digress

So what is this existance? Do other people feel the same? Is there anything I can do about it? How do you guys feel

There are plenty of people like you who are thinking similar things. I see us as minute fleshbags in an iinfinite sea of dust which we'll never explore. Its sad. Religion is one reason people carry on because heaven invalidates the vastness of life. Others accept life and look to the betterment of Man to see how far as a species we can go. Alternatively there are those that want to get as much enjoyment as they can whether moral or not.

I want to see us colonise space and carry on from there, the advancement of Man is my only purpose that keeps me existing.

Have you ever lived in a 3rd world country? Why not volunteer somewhere and see if you like it? Have you heard of Existentialism?

Of course! Many people feel that way. Even when it's only for a little moment. You have to find yourself a purpose or a goal. Living a peaceful, basic life in some 3rd world country is one option. If you feel like it would fit you, then do it. The advancement of mankind is another goal as well as having as much enjoyment as possible. Some people want to get as smart as possible, some people want to watch and observe and other people want to extinct mankind. There many goals you could choose for yourself. But you won't be happy before you've found one that fits you. Atleast I couldn't. Good luck.