Is there a way out of this dark pit?

I'm in my twenties. No job, no life.. not even a single friend.

I grew up a very lonely life. Just me and my mum and my grandmother who came around sometimes or took me to the mall while my mum was working. I was bullied at school for being 'bigger' and different than other children. Lots of it probably stemed from my shy personality and people realizing I was different because I grew up differently with no one around the house. I often played alone. High School was so bad I hid in the school toilets and bunked school a few times and ended up leaving when I was 16. Even the school councellor and teachers hated me too. I wasn't a bad student. I was a quiet student who kept to herself. I wasn't A+, I failed a lot and just 'scraped by' as I call it. There was one teacher (reliever) I had a lot of respect for who believed in me and I did well. I ended up winning a award that year and I was so proud of myself and was so thankful to her. Then the year after that is when it went even more sour than ever and that's when I left. So much happened. My grandmother got dementia, a teacher was pressuring me to do what she wanted me to do, there were teachers being nasty to me.. it was too much. I remember being only about 5-7 years old and been pushed off the playground onto the hard bark. Probably one of my earliest bullying memories. The previous year there was a teacher I had faith in. He knew I was being bullied, but chose to ignore it and told me something like "Oh get over it, that's just how he is". He even observed some bullying I got and did nothing. Even one time I walked out of class.. and another incident he just huffed and puffed and sunk in his chair frustrated that he couldn't get to work, instead of being cooped up with me and my bullies.

I now have a step father in the picture. He is a horrible person. Hurts me and my mum by how he talks to us and acts towards us (luckily not physical). My mum treats me as just a cash bank to help us all out (mostly for them two, not me) and never wants anything to do with me. I can be in my room for days and she will treat me (when I come out) as if she saw me minutes earlier. She is constantly making me feel beneath him. I have been hurting from the day she met him. She plays games with my mind and hurts me so bad inside. I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to about the pain I feel. I have been wanting to die for years now. I am lonely, empty and hurting. I miss when I could talk to her about anything and she really did listen and love me.

I have lived alone for a while, but it made my mother worse to me because she wouldn't even come into my house, but got HIM to do it and would only stay for about a minute because she had to go back to him... He often told her to not allow me over to their house too. Living alone just in a flat with no money, no job or car and no friends drove me insane for the months I stayed there. It made it worse because the elderly neighbour insisted on playing loud music all the time and the pre-school right behind me with screaming kids mon-fri. I lost it in the end and then another thing happened that is too painful to really talk about...

I feel so stuck. I have absolutely NOTHING. I am a Christian and rely on my faith to give me a glimmer of hope each day. My daily fluoxotine tablet is the only thing keeping relatively stable. Plus doing a bit of art on Photoshop and watching some funny Youtube videos and a few things I buy sometimes with a bit of left over cash. I pray sometimes, but nothing ever happens. My parents only want anything to do with me when they want all or most of my money each week to pay their bills and our food etc, otherwise I have to go to my mum to get a bit of love and attention. She makes me feel like I'm the most easy thing to manipulate and to use. I've heard her often saying nasty things about me to my step father and to my grandmother when she was alive.

Is there some way out of this hole? I suffer from intense social phobia. I can go out but can't order a meal or anything like that. I'm FAR much more better with my meds, but I still avoid the supermarket because people just stare at me and I feel watched too much. ( do things for my effed up mother).

I'm now forced to pay for the loser's glasses and her glasses. If I don't, they black mail to refuse to pick up my mail. (our mail doesn't go to our letter box). I feel like I'm just of convience to them. They never want anything to do with me unless it regards money. I love my mum so much and it hurts me she treats me like a toy. I have tried talking to her, but she messes with my head or screams at me and throws things at me (accusations). I can't even buy stuff now without the evils from her. I had to get 'permission' last week to buy myself some stickers. I LOVE helping her, I really do. But she snatches the money out of my hand and in no way does she act grateful.

All I want to do is to find a wonderful husband and just dump her and that loser and forget all about her. I honestly am fed up with crying and being sad and wanting to die. I'm not going back to councelling because they just laugh at me or get fed up with me. My last one was a Psychologist who really let me down. He was a Christian I had faith in, but he was sarcastic to me after a while. He was so glad to get rid of me.

I have thought about suicide, but my fear of hell and pain is too high. I did try once with fluoxetine tablets, but that just sent me to hospital, not the grave and caused nasty side effects for about a week-two weeks after. The 'PET team' woman there thought I was hilarious, she wouldn't stop giving an amused expression. She laughed about me once to her mate about me not doing drugs.
Is it weird if I often feel like my step father loves me more than my mother does? At least he says goodnight to me mostly every night and gives me a kiss or a bit of a hug.

All I want is to be at peace. I long so deeply to live near the sea. A song I love has the lyrics 'I've always thought I'd like to live by the sea, To travel the world alone and live more simply".
I want to find love so badly. I've never once been kissed, asked out or anything. I've always just been the 'fat ugly girl'. I often think of being hugged and loved so much by someone. I've tried a dating site but I get lots of views but hardly any messages. I guess it's because I'm overweight and don't work and I'm not this 'buxom hot sexy thin babe'. To feel a hug from someone I'm in love with would be the upmost dream to me. I've always ended up liking the wrong guys and years later I still hopelessly fantasize about them, even though I don't want them in my life. I wonder what a kiss would feel like.. a beautiful soft kiss from a man I love so much and whom loves me so much too. For someone to actually ACCEPT me for once and not hate me.

I worry about my mum dying. If she dies I don't know what I'd do. I'm worried about my next 'attack'. Last year I had some sort of anxiety attack from severe stress from my mother. Couldn't sleep, eat or bathe.

I want so much to be at peace with everything. Not crave love from my mother anymore as she isn't going to live me that hug or kiss I want or get rid of him... I want to get married, meet my role model, travel Europe (big dream) and to finish my studies. I really would like to learn many languages and to have my own website and get into graphic design.

I'm sorry to hear of your experiences. Bullying is awful. I understand that want to feel peace, to not feel fear, anxiety, depression anymore. You said you were on meds, I'm just wondering whether you could go back and have a review, sometimes medications don't work well enough, and you may need to try something new, or have it augmented with something else.

It seems you aren't living your life the way you want, that you are merely existing, that your anxiety has made you wary of so much, and robbed you of so many experiences. I understand that, I really do. But there is help out there, clearly the counsellor you saw previously was unhelpful and damaging for you, but it seems though that you really do need to see a professional. I know it's awful to have to go and see someone, tell them what's going on, but honestly, it may just make the difference between merely existing in this world, and actually living more fully. Just remember, if you don't fit with a therapist, then you can always go to another one. Don't let one bad therapist stop you from potentially meeting a therapist who can really help you get out of this dark place you are in.

Please know you aren't alone. I wish you well.