Guilt, fear, hopelessness

Hello everyone. Im jack and Im not entirely sure if this is the right category. But I really hope to get to talk to someone about this matter. A month ago, I went to a massage parlour and had a protected oral sex. Since then I've been looking at STD related stuff on the web, getting to learn more about the risks of these types of activities. Every now and then, if i notice something weird about my whole body, I get very sensitive. I cant believe i made that kind of mistake. I know what's done is done, but I fail to move on with my life. I checked around with experts on the web. I went to see a doctor at the clinic. The answer i got is: The risks of you actually getting something is negligible. I heard and read this sentence numerous times already, yet I cant seem to get over the guilt. This feels like the worst thing I've done in my life. I have so much more to do in life, and here I wasted my money and time on a short period of 'pleasure' time. So far there's nothing abnormal about my body yet and once again the doctor reassured me that a test is not necessary. But this fear and guilt is driving me crazy. I cant sleep. And when i do, i tend to wake up at about noon. When i do open my eyes at 9 or 10am, my mind just keep thinking about the stupid incident and that there's nothing more to do in my life. So i just slept on. I am a student and i have exams coming up in 3 weeks time. I cant bring myself to study. I wake up, eat something, then surf the internet or watch videos. I barely even care what i eat anymore. I eat twice a day. This fear in my mind is really killing me. At times i even though of death. But then I thought about how young i am, and there's so much more in the world to explore. I did not tell anyone about this mistake i made because I know this would disappoint and embarassing. I really want to move on with my life. I know killing myself would just hurt the people who cared and loved me. I cant bear to watch this scene. I should be doing what a young man is supposed to do, but with this fear and guilt, I dont know how to hang on. Well, the exams wont do much. I study a bit, then the memories come flowing back again. I feel like i've wasted a month's time doing nothing productive. and my body has become weaker already since I wasnt eating properly and i didnt even go to exercise. everything has been turned upside down all due to this 1 stupid incident. It really depends on luck huh. I thought i went through tough, hard times before. And all of them, i managed to get out. This really seems like the worst and the last of it.....

Finally, i plan to do a full test on my body 2 months later to confirm whether im all clean or not cuz only by that time will be the accurate time to detect antibodies. At the mean time, since i have no symptoms, all i can do is what seems to be miserable life full of guilt, fear and hopelessness. I think about how much I have yet to do in my life. I gain a bit of hope in living, but then my guilt just drag it away.

Welcome *hugs* Jack. I’m sorry you are feeling so rotten about this.

You talk a lot about your feelings of guilt and fear. As to guilt, people have bought and sold sex in all its various forms for ages. There are all sorts of moral and ethical considerations people can debate, but if adults choose to exchange money for sex acts, where no coercion or violence is involved, is it really so bad? This sounds like that is what you did. While it is not the preferable way to find sexual gratification, I don’t think you need to judge yourself so harshly either. Really, if this turns out to be the worst thing you ever do in your life, you have done well.

You talk about wasting time and money and possibly risking your health, none of which are good, but we all make mistakes. You took precautions both during and after the act. You went to see a doctor. If a qualified medical profession can’t convince you that the risk is negligible and alleviate your fear, I doubt those of us here can. It the fear and guilt really are “driving you crazy” as you say and you can’t move past this, perhaps talking to a mental health professional could help.

Take care Jack.