how to have a successful relationship with an HPD

I'm in trouble. My long distance girlfriend of two years has HPD but I was not aware until now. She has three kids from a previous marriage. I've been working in a separate city to support her and the kids. Every six months we've struggled with her infidelity. I usually notice it before it goes too far and I exert control and reel her back in. This time is different. I was in a bad car accident a month ago and she has given no emotional support to me since. In fact I haven't seen her since the accident. She refuses to visit me. I've been devalued. She's gone ahead with a full-fledged affair with the guy she fooled around with six months ago. I can't work so there's no money. She is also depressed and can't or won't work. Her mortgage hasn't been paid for two months. On weeks she doesn't have the kids she vanishes to the coast with a "girlfriend," but she's actually chasing her affair. Her eldest daughter beat her up, called her a whore, and ran away last week - all because she can't handle what her mom's doing to me. We broke up two weeks ago but she still calls me every day that she's not chasing her affair, as if she can't let go of me. She panics if I threaten to leave. She's insanely jealous of imagined females in my life.

I want to do what I can to get her back into the relationship and into therapy. I don't think I could convince her to get help without her being back in love with me.

How can I do this? What will reverse the devaluation? I'm assuming I'll have to walk away and she'll eventually come running back? What if she remains attached to this new guy for a year or two? Can I stop the affair somehow?

To make matters worse, she's extremely control-averse due to past abusive relationships. Her immediate reaction is to break up if I'm too controlling. I've been confident and I have high social value, which I think have helped me reel her in in the past. She says she loves me more than anyone in the world. She still says this. She just says she has no romantic feelings and isn't "in" love with me. This changes when we're together though. I'm able to seduce her in person. At a distance I'm hopeless.

Please. Any suggestions will help immensely. I want to get her and the kids help and I think I can only do that from "within" the relationship.

Hi and welcome to the forum. I separated your post from its original thread because it's a topic in its own right, and to ensure that you get replies related specifically to your questions.

I'm in trouble. My long distance girlfriend of two years has HPD but I was not aware until now. She has three kids from a previous marriage. I've been working in a separate city to support her and the kids. Every six months we've struggled with her infidelity. I usually notice it before it goes too far and I exert control and reel her back in. This time is different. I was in a bad car accident a month ago and she has given no emotional support to me since. In fact I haven't seen her since the accident. She refuses to visit me. I've been devalued. She's gone ahead with a full-fledged affair with the guy she fooled around with six months ago. I can't work so there's no money. She is also depressed and can't or won't work. Her mortgage hasn't been paid for two months. On weeks she doesn't have the kids she vanishes to the coast with a "girlfriend," but she's actually chasing her affair. Her eldest daughter beat her up, called her a whore, and ran away last week - all because she can't handle what her mom's doing to me. We broke up two weeks ago but she still calls me every day that she's not chasing her affair, as if she can't let go of me. She panics if I threaten to leave. She's insanely jealous of imagined females in my life.

By attempting to "exert control and reel her back in" you're buying into the mind games, and encouraging the unhealthy dynamic that has taken place. She has shown you zero support since your accident, and has in effect voted with her feet. By pursuing this relationship, you will more than likely lose all sense of self esteem and sense of boundaries. The relationship isn't healthy and she is clearly behaving irresponsibly. The unhealthy dynamics have also crept into her relationship with her daughter, and this cycle is likely to continue indefinitely unless she takes some responsibility for herself, and you can't force or make her do this. She has to do this herself.

Your first priority needs to be towards yourself, and towards your emotional wellbeing which is likely to have been affected by this relationship.

I want to do what I can to get her back into the relationship and into therapy. I don't think I could convince her to get help without her being back in love with me.

Yes, she needs help, and would benefit from therapy, but IF AND ONLY IF she sees the need for this herself. This would apply whether or not she was with you or not. Sadly, a person very often has to hit their own rock bottom before they will see a need for help. No one can fix another person, they can only attempt to fix themselves.

How can I do this? What will reverse the devaluation? I'm assuming I'll have to walk away and she'll eventually come running back? What if she remains attached to this new guy for a year or two? Can I stop the affair somehow?

To make matters worse, she's extremely control-averse due to past abusive relationships. Her immediate reaction is to break up if I'm too controlling. I've been confident and I have high social value, which I think have helped me reel her in in the past. She says she loves me more than anyone in the world. She still says this. She just says she has no romantic feelings and isn't "in" love with me. This changes when we're together though. I'm able to seduce her in person. At a distance I'm hopeless.

Honestly, as I said before, playing controlling mind games is buying into the unhealthy dynamics of a disordered relationship. They will only get you more embroiled into an unhealthy situation, and this will ultimately prove to be toxic for both of you. As difficult as it is, you need to accept that this relationship is damaging for both of you, and that you can't force a person to be in love with you, much less a person with a personality disorder.

Speaking to a therapist will help you to deal with the rejection you have felt, and the feelings of betrayal at the infidelities. It will also help you to grieve healthily and to process your grief at the break up, and to look within yourself for the reasons why you became involved with a person who has treated you so badly.

Talking things through to others on the forum can help you to make some sense of the situation, which is likely to have affected you in many ways, and caused you to feel an assortment of mixed and distressing emotions.

Thanks so much for your supportive words. I'm seeing a therapist this week.

I'm unsure how to proceed. I feel as though I'm waiting to see what she does next so I have some sense of where I stand. I'm getting on with my own life - it never stopped. But I feel like I'm waiting for her to do something.

She told me last week that she doesn't want me to move on. She said she'd be sad and devastated if I found someone new. She said she loves me and cares for me deeply - that I'm her best friend. She said she is unsure about getting back together. She denied being involved with anyone else but it was not convincing. She says she doesnt think either of us should move on to someone new as we're uncertain of our situation. Are these lies? Then she left on one of her weeklong trips. It's been 5 days since I last talked to her. She had said that she didn't think she'd have Internet access or a telephone. Today she blocked me on Facebook. She'll return in a couple days. She had said that she'd call me then.

Is it possible that she is just with a girlfriend?

Do I stand by her as a friend as she has requested? She's said she is sure she wants me in her life. If I do this what's the best way to set boundaries? Do I reduce contact? Ask for Some time to get over her? I'm still hurt that she hasn't visited me. Why wouldn't she visit her best friend who is injured?

Since her behavior and words are inconsistent, is there a way to determine her true feelings?

For HPD's reading this, is there a way to regain value in her eyes? Am I one of her many male fans/friends, or do I have special status? Why would she keep telling me that she loves me even after the break up?

i know it i know it
I WANT TO LOVE BUT I JUST CAN'T BC OF MY UNDERDEVELOPED EMOTION

i love my current bf, i love him, i do!!!!!!!!!
but i might break up with him in any soon future
though i wouldn' tell him to not leave me, since that'd be too selfish of me,
but the thing is i CAN'T love him even though i LOVE HIM
of course you have a special status,
she wouldn't say 'i love you very much' to everyman she knows

and you sound like a wonderful guy she is so lucky
and so poor in that she can't be happy with such a wonderful guy like you because of emotional abuses she experienced

you are a great man *sniff* and your life will be great and nice
hope you to move on
just dump us hpds, no one's gonna save us

Thanks so much yYyY.

What is she thinking and feeling? If you could put yourself in her shoes in our break up, what would you be thinking and feeling? Will she ever value my love again or crave it? Does this depend on what I do next?

Everyone is saying move on but I feel like I'm abandoning her and the kids. Do you think it's possible to remain friends? If a nonHPD woman treated me this way, I think I would be less sympathetic? Is having HPD a valid excuse for such poor, irresponsible behavior?

I don't even know if she'll contact me. As I said, she blocked my Facebook and hasn't responded to my e-mails.

Feeling very alone. Nobody in my life has sympathy for her so i have no objective support. I'm also feeling like I very suddenly became unimportant to her - as if I'm now completely off her radar and unwanted.

Everyone is saying move on but I feel like I'm abandoning her and the kids. Do you think it's possible to remain friends? If a nonHPD woman treated me this way, I think I would be less sympathetic? Is having HPD a valid excuse for such poor, irresponsible behavior?

No, having HPD is not a valid excuse for this type of behaviour. From her perspective, she is likely to be following a learnt set of behaviour that has become maladaptive because of earlier traumatic experiences, and she has learnt from her experiences that this type of behaviour gives her short term rewards. However the "rewards" from this type of behaviour can only ever be transient and short lived. It will seem to her, for a fleeting amount of time, that this type of behaviour has somehow insulated her from hurt, but of course her core hurt and injury remains, and nothing can remove it, until she confronts her issues through therapy. No one can make her do this, and if she was to go for therapy at the request of another person, it would be likely to be ineffective. The sad thing is, she needs to reach rock bottom in order to do this. If she learns through an experience that this type of behaviour is in the long term ineffective, that it can have severe negative effects, then, and only then, will she be ready to face up to herself, and heal. Ultimately, as hard as it might be, you might actually be doing her a favour by allowing her to see that her actions can work against her, and abandoning her is not as cruel as you might think. I can see , though, that you have deep feelings for her, and from your perspective, you would have great difficulty in doing this. You need to work through your OWN feelings here, and perhaps try to separate them from concern for her, as selfish as this might sound.

don't even know if she'll contact me. As I said, she blocked my Facebook and hasn't responded to my e-mails.

Feeling very alone. Nobody in my life has sympathy for her so i have no objective support. I'm also feeling like I very suddenly became unimportant to her - as if I'm now completely off her radar and unwanted.

It sounds as if your family and friends are showing a lot of anger towards her, in their eyes, on your behalf, but they're not entirely understanding the situation from your point of view. I am a HPD in recovery, who no longer fits the criteria for the disorder after lengthy therapy, and have also been in an abusive relationship with a narc/ASPD, and so perhaps can see a little about where you're coming from here. When I ended my relationship with the ASPD guy, my friends all said "Good riddance, what a pr@ck, you're well rid" etc but they had no understanding of the whole array of mixed emotions I was feeling at the time - the confusion, grief, mixed anger and depression, the blow to my confidence, the feeling that I could somehow fix him, the mourning for the person that he pretended to be who I also had to grieve for, the feeling that if I could somehow rekindle the relationship then my self esteem would be okay, the confusion regarding the behaviour etc etc. I felt that I had no support or understanding from my friends because they couldn't truly identify with my situation. A toxic relationship has its own set of dynamics, and a person can feel engulfed by the relationship. In some ways it can be akin to an addiction. In many ways the person HAS become addicted to the partner, literally, and the sudden withdrawal of all the endorphins etc of the roller coaster relationship can actually make a person feel as if their entire world has collapsed - they may feel shaky, anxious, confused, and obsessed with the other person.

When the non realises that their ex was DISORDERED, they can feel relieved in a strange sort of way - realising that this behaviour has a name, and something akin to an explanation, and they may focus their attention on the disorder, shifting their anger and other emotions onto the disorder itself, as opposed to the partner. They may even begin to excuse their partner's behaviour, even wanting to fix and rescue their ex, and feel some relief that they, the non, weren't to blame. This can be helpful, but only to an extent. This attitude, if it persists for too long, can take the person's focus away from themselves and their own healing, and may even cause them to have a somewhat black and white view (ie that all people with HPD are the same) In order to truly grieve, a person needs to realise that despite the disorder, their partner still had choices, and that they CHOOSE to act in the way that they did. This can be uncomfortable to acknowledge, and the non might feel some guilt at feeling angry, not towards the disorder, but towards their partner themselves. This would cause them to acknowledge that their partner wasn't the person they believed them to be, and that their partner was responsible, and that they might not have been loved in the way they wanted to be. It's a difficult yet necessary part of the grieving process, and healing. Yes, to some extent the partner was also a victim of the disorder, but the partner is likely to have learnt all her life to divert responsibility, to have it taken away from her, and the fixing attitude of any partner she may have is NOT going to help her. She MUST learn to take responsibility for herself. The non also needs to take responsibility for himself, for his own recovery and healing, and in order to do this, he needs to put the focus back on himself, to develop healthy selfishness, to learn to love himself again, to value himself, and to place importance upon his own needs as these needs have been taken away from him in the relationship. He needs to be able to grieve, to mourn, to be understood and to be heard, and to understand the confusing mixed emotions he is going through, with are normal even though the situation isn't normal.

Talking, repeating yourself if necessary, expressing anger and grief, and loving yourself are important. Therapy and the forum can help.

Thanks masquerade. I have questions but no time to compose them at the moment.

I wanted to ask this quickly so I can get some feedback... She told me what I wanted to hear and kept me on the hook since the break up. Then she vanished for 7 days, lied about not being able to contact me, and then blocked me when she saw that I knew she had to ability to contact. And now just silence. Does she realize that all of this makes me crazy and desperate? Or is she likely just swept up in something else? I'm feeling desperate and obsessed at this point. I'm in control of myself though. When I was younger I wouldn't have been, though. I would already be chasing her and emailing frantically. Does she realize what she's doing to me?

Others, feel free to chime in too.

I'm off to see a therapist.

Good luck with the therapy appointment.

A lot of people with HPD have been trapped in an earlier stage of emotional development, which means that they're rather like an egocentric child, only able to see things from their own perspective. This means that she may not truly be able to grasp the effect that this is having on you. It's like a kind of cognitive deficiency that people with personality disorders can sometimes have. Whilst it's not her fault that she may lack this ability, which would need to be worked on through therapy, the result would be a lack of empathy or true understanding on her part,making her unable to take on board your feelings or even understand them. This in the meantime is having a huge effect on you and causing you a lot of pain, and your therapist can help you through this. If others could also give their input here, particularly nons who have been in this situation, you can gain a wider perspective of people's opinions.

It seems rather impossible to have a successful relationship with an HPD. I found out today that she's lied to both myself and her new beau about everything. She told me that she hadn't been in touch with him since last May, and she told him that she broke up with me last May. Of course she has come clean about everything with me. She has asked me to swear to secrecy so that the new guy won't know that she lied and had sex with me the entire time. She has also asked me to not speak to her family or friends about what has gone on. They love me and she doesn't want them to be disappointed in her or hate her new boyfriend. It's as if she believes that all is permissible and forgiven as long as nobody knows what happened.

By all appearances and by her own words she loves me and wants to be with me, but by her actions she seems to be absolutely addicted to a man she barely knows. Ultimately she has chosen him over me.

Is this thread so mundane that nobody wants to respond to it? I'm imagining that every month some chump like me comes in here and spills the same sob story and everyone is bored with it.