the grass is greener..........

by **Atrium** » Sat Oct 06, 2012 10:32 am

Rawrytheracingcar wrote:Atrium, your friend sounds like me. My first therapist wanted to diagnose me as having BPD, but then I switched T's and my new T thought I didn't fit the criteria for BPD. Looking at the symptoms of HPD, I think I fit that category more.
I totally understand the feelings of hyper idealization and devaluation. If something is good, it's the best and if it isn't the best, it's horrid. I do it with my jobs, with possessions I buy, and with friends and men and women. Whoever I like at the moment is the greatest person to ever live and anyone else is utter sh*t. It's a terrible way to go through things, especially once you are aware that you do it. It hurts me to know that I devalue people at the drop of the hat.

Do you circle back around? She does. She hyper idealizes, devalues, then hyper idealizes again. You feel like you're hearing a story about a person with a filter on.

I don’t generally drop someone and go after a new person. I prefer to keep who I’m with and go after a new person.
It’s not a measure of the grass looking greener; that never enters my mind. It IS a measure of boredom, validation and what yYyYy said about the spark of a new relationship. There is just nothing that compares to that feeling of a new relationship, it makes the sun rise and the birds sing for only you. Hope that answered your questions.

by **xdude** » Sat Oct 06, 2012 3:46 pm

Atrium wrote:...

It's one extreme to the other. There is no gray area.

I wonder if it's about credibility and validation. If something is superior and it's validating her, then that validation is more credible. When that source of validation fails to be superior, the validation she receives from it isn't as credible. She seems to personalize it as a rejection and then she does a 180 and discredits and devalues.

It seems there are several intertwined reasons why a person can end up with this type of black/white thinking/feeling, and hyper idolizing, then hyper devaluing others. It appears one of the reasons is due to a deep seated belief that the real them (their true self) is the 'good' side only, the happy/positive emotions, and that those 'bad' emotions (e.g., anger, sadness, envy, etc.) is not the real them. The splitting extends to others as well, and life in general. Another way this is expressed is 'when things go well, I did it'; 'when things fail, others did it or circumstances made me do it'.

Sadly, in order to really feel at peace they need to come to terms with their own 'dark' side. Not necessarily to act on every impulse, but to accept all that they are, all of their emotions, including the 'dark' emotions. In doing that, it's possible to come to see others more realistically too.

by **Rawrytheracingcar** » Sun Oct 07, 2012 1:56 am

Yes Atrium, I do cycle around. I love you, hate you, then love you again.

Xdude is right about not being able to incorporate the good and bad sides of ourselves.
I see myself as either "all bad" or "all good" and that way of thinking bleeds over into the rest of my life. I view people and things the same way.

by **xdude** » Sun Oct 07, 2012 2:05 am

Rawry -

Possibly it all starts with a big lie, that we were not lovable because of who we are, but because we earned it by what we did for others, or how we behaved, especially our parents. Sad if so.

by **Rawrytheracingcar** » Sun Oct 07, 2012 10:18 pm

As a young child I was often typecasted as the "disobedient one" and sort of the bad one.
I was also verbally abused by a cousin of mine who especially liked to headf*ck people she saw as "inferior".
I've gotten better now that I am aware that I Idealize and Devalue and can pinpoint when I am doing it.
It's still hard to get past the Devaluation caused by boredom with a person, but hey, we're all human.

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