Desperate for Advice/HPD Tearing Family Apart

Hello to everyone. I recently discovered this forum, and it's pretty incredible. Thanks to all for your willingness to share and listen -- it's beyond appreciated.

I'm at a loss for where to begin. Forgive me if this is long-winded -- there's just so much to say.

My sister was diagnosed Bipolar II roughly 10 years ago. I sincerely believe she has HPD; however, she hasn't been diagnosed, at least not to my knowledge. I would greatly appreciate any advice/words of wisdom from Nons and those with HPD re: how to deal with her and the situation.

I'm in my late 30s, my sister is in her early 50s. Most of my life, I've struggled with anger and resentment toward her. I spent 2 years in therapy for anxiety, and during those 2 years, I thought I'd come to terms with everything. I no longer felt angry -- I truly felt empathy and compassion for her, and I thought I'd forgiven her. However, I recently moved closer to her (within 10 miles), and due to recent events, the anger and resentment I thought I'd processed and let go of is back -- I'm so disappointed that it's back, as it was much easier to live without it.

My mother had my sister (and brother #1) at a very early age -- 16 years old, in fact. My mother met their father in high school, got pregnant and married him. The marriage lasted 7 years, as my mother had to leave this man because he was extremely physically abusive to her; he actually put her in a coma for a week. At the time, it was nearly impossible for my mother to financially support her two children on her own. She met my father shortly after leaving her abusive husband, and married him out of necessity -- this is basically how she puts it.

My mother and sister developed a co-dependent relationship to the extreme -- my father felt alienated by their clique-ish behavior, just as I did. My mother is a "pull yourself up by the boot straps" type of person -- yet she has always made an exception for my sister.

My sister got pregnant when she was 16; the squeaky wheel always got the grease, so to speak -- my mother's entire life revolved around worrying and obsessing over my sister's (and nephew's) welfare. My parents came very close to divorce over the situation many times. I couldn't develop a healthy relationship with my mother because; 1) she was too focused on my sister and; 2) I resented her, my sister and the bond they had.

My sister was always "sick," and no one else could ever have problems -- she wouldn't allow it. It was like a contest with her (still is). If I ever mentioned that I was struggling with anything, she would scoff at me and get angry as if I was challenging her to a competition. Over the years, she's had numerous terminal diseases that magically disappeared. She's been a prolific self-harmer (cutting), she has an eating disorder, and she wields her Bipolar II diagnosis like a weapon.

Fast forward to today: My sister has been living with my parents for 10+ years because she could no longer work. I moved closer because I wanted to be near my parents, as they are getting on in age. My mother wanted me to develop a relationship with my sister, and I was trying to do that -- it's the only way I can have a relationship with my mom, as they are a package deal.

My sister has begun gambling all of her income away at a local casino -- and lying about it to my mom. Recently, she has used me as an alibi, and asked me to lie for her because my mom was beginning to voice concern over her gambling. Roughly 6 months ago, she called my brother (#2) in hysterics, asking him for a $500 loan, explaining she couldn't tell him the reason. He loaned her the money, and never heard from her.

My brother called my parents and told them about the loan. My mother asked her about it, and she came up with this outlandish story about how she hit a pedestrian and the pedestrian blackmailed her into giving him $500. She called me, put me on speakerphone -- so my mom could hear -- and lied, and lied, and even asked me to verify these alibis she previously made up. She prefaced the conversation by stating that; 1) it was my fault she couldn't ask my parents for the money because they had recently bought me and my husband a $150 patio set as a house-warming gift, and; 2) my brother was lying about the $500 being a loan when in fact, it was a "gift." Smokescreen, deflect, guilt-trip....

My mom gave her the cold shoulder for three days; she felt manipulated and lied to -- she asked me what I knew, and I told her the truth about the alibis and being manipulated/guilt-tripped myself. My mom's anger lasted only three days -- my sister, knowing she was in the dog-house, suddenly began acting "erratic" and like she was "going over the edge" because she and her son/my nephew are estranged (she hasn't mentioned this bothering her in ages). My mom explained that she can't speak to her about her gambling addiction because she can't risk my sister hating her for "coming between her and her casino" and she can't risk "driving her over the edge."

I don't want this person in my life -- I don't have patience for her drama. I don't have patience for her incessant need for accolades for every "thoughtful" thing she does. I don't have patience for her flashes of anger and impatience when the conversation is about politics or law or world events -- instead of being about her life, her problems, the garage sales she visits, how hard her 10-hour a week housecleaning job is, how bad her cold was last week, how she's decided she's going to finally gain some weight by buying 2% milk instead of non-fat and eating Brazil nuts, ......I just can't do it.

How do I disengage from her, while maintaining a relationship with my mom?

Would it be pointless to finally speak to my mom about their co-dependency when my mom makes excuses for her, and openly obsesses over her?

I can't thank you enough for reading through this post, and offering any insight you might have.

Hi Amile

Well you know what they say....you can choose your friends but not your relatives.

I would say the simplest way is to see less of your sister, yet see your Mom at the current rate. Try taking sister in smaller doses. You probably don't want to banish her from your life altogether, right? When you are to see her again prepare yourself beforehand for all her standard dramatics. See through them beforehand and maybe you can find more compassion for your sister's condition (?)

And just keep on visiting your Mom. If someone asks why the change, don't start a row; just be casual in tone. Let the change be gradual, subtle.

This way you can get the change you need without a major disturbance in the family.

orion8591 wrote: Let the change be gradual, subtle.

This way you can get the change you need without a major disturbance in the family.

Good advice. It takes time for the family life to get torn apart, and I believe time to put it back together. For yourself especially. If changes happened overnight, it'd be an easy fix for all imo.