So I've just been dumped for the first time!!!

I can't believe it.
This is so incredibly painful.

I tried really hard to make it work. He was a normal, non disordered guy. I kept myself from breaking up with him (my pattern), because I realized I have actual feelings for him..although deep down inside I believed no one would ever put up with me (or desire me) long term. Now I'm kicking myself because even though I try to be NORMAL, I still LOSE.

This is just more negative validation to fuel my disordered thoughts.

*i am unlovable. i am no one's ideal.
*never trust anyone
* i was wrong to trust another person, they just want to use me
* i am ugly and unattractive
* no relationship can last

(And you want to know what he said; I loved you, but there was too much drama)

Van
in today's dating scene breakups are unfortunately common, including among totally 'normal' people.

i know it hurts but dont internalize it with your HPD. when we break up with someone weshould just kiss it up to sky as best we can. and open up to others

van -

For whatever it is worth if you go back and read this forum you'll see threads from NON's who wrote about the hurt of their relationship/breakup for months, even years after the relationship ended. Being dumped, PD or no PD, yes, it really hurts sometimes!

You wrote about your 'disordered' thoughts, and I think you'll find that even many NONs would have some of those thoughts immediately after being dumped. Long term though, as the pain eases a bit, hopefully you don't cling to them as strongly. What you wrote are very B&W feelings, but my guess is there are likely many things he did and still does love about you.

You know it's very possible that he meant just what he told you"I loved you, but there was too much drama". That is to say there is not necessarily anything more to it then that. That he really did/does love you but the drama is drowning him.

You might be surprised at how something as simple as honest reflection of how he felt about the drama, a sincere letter, seeing the drama from his point of view, can go a LONG way toward healing wounds, both his and yours. It's the option that sometimes people with PDs refuse to choose, the option of seeing it from the lovers perspective, because it means letting go of a belief about what it means to be loved and putting oneself out there further still, yet it's the very option that can start the process of changing everything for the better.

Best wishes,

X

Van4ssa wrote: I tried really hard to make it work.

Van..

Sorry to hear things didn't work out. Like Xdude said, self reflection is key to learning.

Are you in therapy?

I ask because the drama your ex spoke of, is why he left you. Unless you get over the reason's why you self distruct your relationships, through professional help, the same result will happen in the future. Roller coaster rides are unhealthy. If you are not in therapy, than seek treatment? Up to you though, but no one normal will put up with the drama you create, as you posted below.

Report this postReply with quote Re: The "Anger" Weapon
by van4ssa » Fri Jul 20, 2012 8:43 pm

Quite often, I anger my significant other unknowingly. I don't mean to, but somehow (due to lack of empathy?), I rub him the wrong way and he gets ticked off. Since I don't understand the angry reaction and the cause, I really don't feel bad or guilty. I get MAD at him because he's MAD at me, and I pretty much lash out because he's withholding affection. At that point, I disconnect and want to avenge my feelings of rejection. Ever hear that saying, "You hate the one you hurt", yeah, summarized! From that point, I toy with, and anger him further. I might have been feeling depressed before, but with each outburst, I feel more and more glee. He punches the wall, breaks stuff, storms off angrily, I laugh and have the biggest smile on my face. The fact that I'm unaffected by him when he's so clearly suffering, really pains him. I know that I've won. I feel elated.


xdude wrote:
That written, I've also experienced, and read various forum posts to the effect that the PD/NON or PD/PD bond can feel (unhealthy) stronger for people with some disorders IF the other person repeatedly comes back. Sort of a confirmation that if someone comes back after a fight, it's a kind of proof that they really care. From the NON's point of view, that kind of cycle can end up feeling like a never ending and utterly exhausting test; they'd rather the strength of the relationship be measured in terms of how long the couple can feel good together without a fight, without hurting each other.

Unfortunately, I do not trust the connection with another unless he's gone through this cycle. Repeatedly. I also do not understand the "comfort" of normalcy. If things are too good, it feels fake, and I am extremely uncomfortable/out of my element/confused in that enviroment. van4ssa
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orion8591 wrote:Van
in today's dating scene breakups are unfortunately common, including among totally 'normal' people.

i know it hurts but dont internalize it with your HPD. when we break up with someone weshould just kiss it up to sky as best we can. and open up to others

I know. I'm trying to convince myself to be logical, and not go there.

I think it hurts so badly because now I realize how much I've F^ked up. He was basically my only friend, only person to talk to, the only one who would listen, and I just ignored him. I couldn't treat the one person in my life well. I knew how much he needed to feel my attention, feel valued and I withheld it from him. And only now, when it's too late am I conscious of my actions. And I don't even know what else I've done, freaking underdeveloped empathy. I just don't even know, because I cant tell. I'm subhuman, I don't understand people....

xdude wrote:van -

You know it's very possible that he meant just what he told you"I loved you, but there was too much drama". That is to say there is not necessarily anything more to it then that. That he really did/does love you but the drama is drowning him.

You might be surprised at how something as simple as honest reflection of how he felt about the drama, a sincere letter, seeing the drama from his point of view, can go a LONG way toward healing wounds, both his and yours.

Best wishes,

X

Some of the irony is, that what pushed him away the most, "feeling ignored", was actually me
trying to shield him from some of the drama. I just kept getting triggered. I don't know if it's because I'm not used to loving someone, feeling so extremely vulnerable, I just couldnt handle it. It was too intense and painful. Anytime I'd see him look at another girl, every delayed text message, missed opportunity to spend time together, questionable comment from him, just sent me into furious CRAZY emotional wounded mode, and I didn't want him to see it. I was trying to be "normal" and he interpreted it as disinterest. It's so sick.

van4ssa wrote:
Some of the irony is, that what pushed him away the most, "feeling ignored", was actually me
trying to shield him from some of the drama. I just kept getting triggered. I don't know if it's because I'm not used to loving someone, feeling so extremely vulnerable, I just couldnt handle it. It was too intense and painful. Anytime I'd see him look at another girl, every delayed text message, missed opportunity to spend time together, questionable comment from him, just sent me into furious CRAZY emotional wounded mode, and I didn't want him to see it. I was trying to be "normal" and he interpreted it as disinterest. It's so sick.

van,

Odds are he meant what he said, he loves you, but is equally confused about what is going on.

It's unfortunate, but understandable, that you can write out your feelings like these you've written above on this anonymous forum, but not tell him what you've written to us. Easy to understand why it's safe here, and risky/painful to open up like that with your lover, but yes, someone we really love can hurt us deeply. Really though not everyone is out to do so.

I have no great advice, though perhaps it would help you to write him a letter, it doesn't ever even need to be sent, just write out what you were feeling as you've done here if you could say it with no risk.

Whether or not it can work out now I don't know, but I think if he could have read what you've written here he'd be touched.

Best wishes,

X

xdude wrote:

van4ssa wrote:
Some of the irony is, that what pushed him away the most, "feeling ignored", was actually me
trying to shield him from some of the drama. I just kept getting triggered. I don't know if it's because I'm not used to loving someone, feeling so extremely vulnerable, I just couldnt handle it. It was too intense and painful. Anytime I'd see him look at another girl, every delayed text message, missed opportunity to spend time together, questionable comment from him, just sent me into furious CRAZY emotional wounded mode, and I didn't want him to see it. I was trying to be "normal" and he interpreted it as disinterest. It's so sick.

van,

Odds are he meant what he said, he loves you, but is equally confused about what is going on.

It's unfortunate, but understandable, that you can write out your feelings like these you've written above on this anonymous forum, but not tell him what you've written to us. Easy to understand why it's safe here, and risky/painful to open up like that with your lover, but yes, someone we really love can hurt us deeply. Really though not everyone is out to do so.

I have no great advice, though perhaps it would help you to write him a letter, it doesn't ever even need to be sent, just write out what you were feeling as you've done here if you could say it with no risk.

Whether or not it can work out now I don't know, but I think if he could have read what you've written here he'd be touched.

Best wishes,

X

Thank you for replying. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, so it's really hard on me.
(Well I have guy acquaintances, but they just want to be my rebound, you know, get in there while I'm weak and lonely. I don't have words for that.)

You know, he's considered "normal" because he has none of the pathology that disordered people do. He just doesn't understand. He doesn't intuitively get why we act the way we do. To him, the dramatics are just excessive and me being "bad". He doesn't understand that I act out because I'm just so deeply hurt and damaged. Maybe that's why I love him so much, he's so pure and unafflicted.

He told me that he doesn't love me anymore. I have to respect that.
But I know he's hurting badly, that's something I don't understand. He broke up with me, but he's been drinking constantly, seems depressed, and trying to pretend things are all good with him (he's a really bad actor). I have to work near him, so I've been putting on my hpd charm. I guess it's getting under his skin. I guess it's a little cruel to be flippant, bubbly and flirty less than a day after a breakup. I'm just doing what I know best, using my defense mechanism. It's all I have.

I think this situation has made me realize, I really have serious problems. I need a lot of therapy. I need to abstain from dating or getting seriously involved with another for, probably a couple years. I just can't handle this.

Van4ssa wrote:I think this situation has made me realize, I really have serious problems. I need a lot of therapy. I need to abstain from dating or getting seriously involved with another for, probably a couple years. I just can't handle this.

Van4ssa,

You said earlier in this thread you felt sub-human. I do hope you realize you are very human with some issues deal with, that maybe different than the norm. I think you should hold your head up high, because you have taken responsibilty for your actions. What you wrote in the above quote is what you have to do and great you recongnized it. The most important person to love and take care of in this world, is YOU. Nothing selfish about that, and good you are going to take care of you first. Other good relationships will fall into place after that.

Honestly, you should be proud, you have made a big step forward!

OK

PS:

Van wrote: I guess it's getting under his skin. I guess it's a little cruel to be flippant, bubbly and flirty less than a day after a breakup

As far as your ex, try not to get under his skin. Maybe just opoligize for your part in the break up and wish him the best. Yes, he is hurting. Maybe you can recognize that he indirectly helped you, by letting you go? Up to you though, when you are ready, but do hope you give him peace. Something most people that were involved with pd's don't get. Peace.

van4ssa wrote:*i am unlovable. i am no one's ideal.
*never trust anyone
* i was wrong to trust another person, they just want to use me
* i am ugly and unattractive
* no relationship can last

(And you want to know what he said; I loved you, but there was too much drama)

1.
HONESTLY TO SAY AS FELLOW HPD : You silly girl, you SHOULD HAVE LEFT FIRST BEFORE U GET DUMPED AND EXPERIENCE PAIN! i fear being dumped so if i detect 0.1% of real/imagined possiblity of being dumped i escape relationships 1000 years earlier....
... there there


2.
never trust anyone? idk... HPD belief is 'TRUST EVERYONE'
so no matter how much i'm f*cked up i don't get to not trust people