Seeking help and advice - I fear my ex boyfriend has HDP

Firstly, thank you all for your advise, sharing experiences and offering me reassurance that this situation will improve.

I am feeling somewhat stronger today, but every now and then it worsens again. I am finding that I have little patience for certain people that are branding my experience as 'just another break up'. As much as I appreciate any loss or break up is equally painful regardless of circumstance, when you are naive to HPD and other personality disorders, it adds another level of complexity to the healing process (in my opinion)

I am not in contact with him whatsoever, other than email (I have not sent one since forwarding him Masq's BLOG and the links to get professional help) I received a mail yesterday, and I hope you don't mind, I have pasted it here to ask for opinions. Whilst I know I should not nor will not be in contact with him again, how do I know he isn't being genuine? Is it just more lies, or could he really mean he is wanting help......

Hi
How are you?
I just want to say that this wknd well friday just put a few things into perspective like and how bad and stupid I've been and how lucky I am to have you

Fri made me thibnnk that I shouldn't be taking things for granted and do behave the way that I have and I should have cherised you even more and told you every day what you meant to me and still mean to me sam

I do love you
And going to sort my self out and hopefully it will be a step in the right direction for me + you sam x

X
I do love you
Xx

Hun, please Google "Hoovering in relationships". When a person hoovers, they attempt to bring back the partner by seeming to do and say all the right things, by using charm and romantic gestures, whilst not really feeling any remorse, or taking on board their responsibility. Remorse implies working towards a change from WITHIN (not shallow gestures), taking full responsibility, and effecting changes that may take some time, and understanding (not just feeling) the wrongfulness of the actions.

He wrote

Hi
How are you?
I just want to say that this wknd well friday just put a few things into perspective like and how bad and stupid I've been and how lucky I am to have you

These words are easy to write. They don't go into any real depth. What things has he put into perspective? What does he mean by this? How did he do this? What prompted him to attempt to do so? There seems to be no comprehension of the enormity of the issue, no asking how you feel, no comprehension of how you might feel, and he talks in the present tense and says he is lucky to "have you", as if assuming that you will stay with him. He also could have said that he was lucky to have met you, or to be with you, but he chooses to use the word "have you", as if he owns you. He seems to be presuming instant forgiveness, which would minimise his actions, and therefore give him permission to repeat them.

He said

Fri made me thibnnk that I shouldn't be taking things for granted and do behave the way that I have and I should have cherised you even more and told you every day what you meant to me and still mean to me sam

Telling you every day how much you mean to him means a lot less than him SHOWING you by his actions.

do love you
And going to sort my self out and hopefully it will be a step in the right direction for me + you sam x

He can only sort himself out if he hits his own personal rock bottom, sees for himself that his behaviour is toxic, understands this, takes it on board, and sees how it effects not just his relationship with you, but how it effects himself at every level in every aspect of his life. He can only find healing by engaging in a long process of self discovery, learning true self awareness, and having deep therapy. These changes may not take effect for quite some time. Does he know that the process of sorting himself out will be so deep and intensive and that it will take a long time? Does he truly appreciate this? Is he prepared to look within and face up to who he has become and begin to discover who he could be? Is he prepared to educate himself?

The only way you will know if he is telling the truth here is to wait and see what he does in the future, and if there has been a positive move forward, with him fully taking on board his own issues.

masquerade wrote:

You, however, who steer your own ship, can find healing, and I believe you are already on the journey.

masq

"You, however, who steers your own ship, can find healing, and I believe you are already on the journey."

I love this.

Whilst I know I should not nor will not be in contact with him again, how do I know he isn't being genuine? Is it just more lies, or could he really mean he is wanting help......

I've said it before... And I shall say it again...

No Contact his A$$ off.

- That means zero communication.
- Block and delete from Facebook, Twitter, any messenger program.
- Delete contact from phone.

Then, try not to discuss the ex, nor the break-up with any friends.

Get out, distract yourself if you have to, and have fun.


If you do the above - you are doing the greatest favour to him, and yourself.

He won't change because he thought he hurt you. He will only change if he thinks he's lost you.

cacster wrote:Samantha,

I read your saga quite a while ago, but while Masq and co. were offering sound advice, I thought I'd provide some breathing room.

A few aspects I have noted now the dust has settled:

I know that no one can answer this for me, and after what he has put me through, I can't believe I'm even saying this..... but what if this has all happened for a reason? What if I have been put through all of this pain to make him recongise that he needs help? Surely, if he seeks help and is at rock bottom now, my pain that I am experiencing right now has all been worth something?

Negative!

HPDs only change when THEY have been hurt. Fellow HPDs may disagree


No Contact

Agreed.

I just got diagnosed as HPD/BDP and bipolar 2 which is a more mild and leans more to depressive than manic. Unless I am hurt or ignored will you get my attention.

Hi all, thanks again for all of your thoughts and advice. It is really helping me through this turbulent time. So, I have spent time with our next door neighbours tonight, I went to the gym with my girl bambi which did me alot of good. In the time that we were there, her husband, was due to meet with my ex to talk. This had been arrange for over a week. Can I just reiterate that my ex was their usher. So I don't suppose it comes as a shock to you guys that he didn't turn up to meet him. So I guess I'm asking for advice from you guys as to howe goodall friend can help my ex.... Genuinely, this isn't my sly way of trying to still have or maintain contact, I have really taken on board the NC thing. And know that's what I need to do. But our mutual friends that I'm sat with now are going through their own grieving process. The groom, who now is questioning his friendship is desperate to know how he should handle this.... He will meets ex face to face and recognises and understands that he has a personality disorder, and wants to help be the catalyst, be the tough tough love that he needs.... Please could one of you offer some advice as to how to handle the meeting? Should he portray naivety to the situation, and question him with conviction when he lies? Should he be a shoulder to cry on? Any answers would be great fully received.


Thankyou again to all, you have no idea how much stumbling across his forum has helped me.

You are all angels x

Hi all, thanks again for all of your thoughts and advice. It is really helping me through this turbulent time. So, I have spent time with our next door neighbours tonight, I went to the gym with my girl bambi which did me alot of good. In the time that we were there, her husband, was due to meet with my ex to talk. This had been arrange for over a week. Can I just reiterate that my ex was their usher. So I don't suppose it comes as a shock to you guys that he didn't turn up to meet him. So I guess I'm asking for advice from you guys as to howe goodall friend can help my ex.... Genuinely, this isn't my sly way of trying to still have or maintain contact, I have really taken on board the NC thing. And know that's what I need to do. But our mutual friends that I'm sat with now are going through their own grieving process. The groom, who now is questioning his friendship is desperate to know how he should handle this.... He will meets ex face to face and recognises and understands that he has a personality disorder, and wants to help be the catalyst, be the tough tough love that he needs.... Please could one of you offer some advice as to how to handle the meeting? Should he portray naivety to the situation, and question him with conviction when he lies? Should he be a shoulder to cry on? Any answers would be great fully received.

Hun, no matter how hard people try, and how well intentioned they are, no one can fix your ex. For reasons best known to him, possibly because he's lost face, he didn't turn up to meet your neighbour. Honestly, talking to him is likely to have little effect. He really does need to take on board his own issues.

It's good that your friends are being supportive, and that you are still in contact with them. It's good that you're getting out and about. It would really be healthier for you if you could concentrate on your recovery, and try not to worry about your ex. I know this is easier said than done because you're in the grieving process, but trying to fix him or encouraging others to do the same would be counter productive.

How have you been feeling? It might help if you can talk about your feelings in this situation, and try to understand them. This will help you in your recovery.

Thanks Masq, I know that what you are saying is the right way to try and deal with this, I'm going on holiday on Saturday for a week, which I'm hoping will help things become a little clearer - I will have all means of communication switched off - 7 days to try and focus on myself I'm hoping will do me the world of good.

I completely get what you are saying regarding my neighbour - the difficulty is, I cannot control how he is feeling and his emotions around what has happend. As mentioned, they were the best of friends, and my neighbour regarded my ex as his closest, dearest friend. I have discussed my interaction on this forum openly with him, and have shown him all of the advise and support that I have received. I have also said that moving forward it will be best for me to not know of any meets that may happen in the future, as you are right, each time I engage in conversation about him, the pain is too much to bear. My neighbour has said that he wants to attempt to be the one that hurts him, that makes him see sense - perhaps that could be possible? I know that somehow my ex still believes that there is a chance to rectify what he has done..... the only way to irradicate this is continuing wih NC, i know this and am doing my utmost to follow that.

How am I feeling...... good question. Whilst I am going through the motions of day to day life, doing my best to work to my usual standard, smile when I go to the supermarket, not slouch when I walk - every second of every day is a struggle at the moment.

I will say, the support that I have received on this forum has been my life line - I know that sounds dramatic, but I seriously thought I was losing the plot - if you have never experienced mental health problems before, how do you start to ever recover from it?

What I need to try and work on is my self confidence and belief. Whilst I know that I'm young, and have my whole life ahead of me, I have been rather unlucky and had a couple of very bad experiences when I was younger, which has really had an impact on my self worth, and opinion of how I should be treated by men. I know that each incident is separate, and I have just been unlucky, but it gets to a point where you look in the mirror, and ask yourself 'why me?' Why is it that men seem to want to hurt me and surpress me? All I want is to love and be loved. To share life and experience, both good and bad, with someone. Of course lead a happy independent life also, but there isn't a better feeling in the world than being truly, madly and deeply in love.

The part that saddens and hurts me all the more, is I shared everything with my ex - I now know he clearly wasn't able to appreciate or understand the hurt that I have been through previously, but all of the time that we were together, he would do and say the right things. When I woke up from horrific nightmares about my past, he would wake and hold me and promise he would never let anyone hurt me again..... And yet the whole time, he was doing exactly that! So sorry to keep repeating myself, as I KNOW I cannot search for solutions, that there is nothing I could have done, but yet I still keep asking myself why........ It just doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem fair that such beautiful, seemingly genuine, smart, intelligent people have to go through these disorders. I think that's why I am still stuck on the making him see that he needs help...

I must toughen up, I know I must, but the pain of thinking he will continue to hurt people around him potentially for the rest of his life is unbearable. My chest feels constantly tight with anxiety. Whilst I'm busy and preoccupied it's just about bearable, but it's when I go to bed at night, willing for my head to become clear, to not think about anything but happy thoughts, and the first thing in the morning when for a split second you think all is ok, and then you're hit in stomach by the reality of what is going on.

It will be 3 weeks on Friday since this nightmare began. The entire time is a complete and utter blur which is frightening in itself. Amazing what the body and brain do as defence mechanisms.

When I get back from my holiday, depending how I feel, I think I may book a doctors appointment to hopefully get referred to see someone. Or perhaps this forum may be enough?

Thank you all again for everything

When I get back from my holiday, depending how I feel, I think I may book a doctors appointment to hopefully get referred to see someone. Or perhaps this forum may be enough?

Hun, please go for the therapy. The forum can help as it is a place for support and venting, but therapy can help you to process all the deeper emotions, and to help you to see if issues from your own past have impacted, making you more likely to be co dependent, and how to rediscover yourself. Therapy will enable you to explore things in much greater depth than you can on a forum, and it will provide a one to one atmosphere of having someone HEAR you, which is very important. Please let us know how you get on.

I have just been replying to a post in the Relationship Forum, about co dependency, and you may be interested in the points I made about looking after yourself. Too often we use the words "look after yourself" as a cliche, without thinking about what they really mean.
relationship/topic94206.html

Regarding your neighbour

I completely get what you are saying regarding my neighbour - the difficulty is, I cannot control how he is feeling and his emotions around what has happend. As mentioned, they were the best of friends, and my neighbour regarded my ex as his closest, dearest friend. I have discussed my interaction on this forum openly with him, and have shown him all of the advise and support that I have received. I have also said that moving forward it will be best for me to not know of any meets that may happen in the future, as you are right, each time I engage in conversation about him, the pain is too much to bear. My neighbour has said that he wants to attempt to be the one that hurts him, that makes him see sense - perhaps that could be possible? I know that somehow my ex still believes that there is a chance to rectify what he has done..... the only way to irradicate this is continuing wih NC, i know this and am doing my utmost to

The issues that he has with your ex are separate to the issues of your relationship, and for his own reasons he wants to speak to him. If you can remain neutral and impassive, it would help you. If he does establish contact with him, then indirectly through your neighbour, your ex would be a peripheral part of your life. You'd need to think about how you'd deal with this, and how you'd feel about hearing things via the grapevine. Your neighbour needs to make his own decisions and come to his own conclusions, which may or may not be influenced by what your ex says to him, and if he gives him a different version of events. What you can't do, however, is control whether or not your neighbour and your ex have contact. You can only work on controlling your reactions.

What I need to try and work on is my self confidence and belief. Whilst I know that I'm young, and have my whole life ahead of me, I have been rather unlucky and had a couple of very bad experiences when I was younger, which has really had an impact on my self worth, and opinion of how I should be treated by men. I know that each incident is separate, and I have just been unlucky, but it gets to a point where you look in the mirror, and ask yourself 'why me?' Why is it that men seem to want to hurt me and surpress me? All I want is to love and be loved. To share life and experience, both good and bad, with someone. Of course lead a happy independent life also, but there isn't a better feeling in the world than being truly, madly and deeply in love.

This is a good reason to seek therapy. As you become aware of your patterns and how your self worth and expectations have been affected by events in the past, you can begin to work on your self worth and find healing. Looking after yourself in the ways I described above can also help to shift your mindset, so that you begin to think about your self worth. Therapy can help you to recognise red flags in the future, and ensure that you make informed relationship choices.

The part that saddens and hurts me all the more, is I shared everything with my ex - I now know he clearly wasn't able to appreciate or understand the hurt that I have been through previously, but all of the time that we were together, he would do and say the right things. When I woke up from horrific nightmares about my past, he would wake and hold me and promise he would never let anyone hurt me again..... And yet the whole time, he was doing exactly that! So sorry to keep repeating myself, as I KNOW I cannot search for solutions, that there is nothing I could have done, but yet I still keep asking myself why........ It just doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem fair that such beautiful, seemingly genuine, smart, intelligent people have to go through these disorders. I think that's why I am still stuck on the making him see that he needs help...

I must toughen up, I know I

It's this glimpse of the good man, the kind man, that you saw that you miss and mourn, almost as if you wish he could have been like this all the time. Hun, people with HPD are not monsters. They are hurt human beings who have been hurt themselves. Human behaviour isn't black and white. There are grey areas in the middle. It isn't fair that anyone has to go through a disorder. However, sadly, you can't make him see that he needs help. The disorder blinds him to recognising the need. It hurts to watch a person drowning and the temptation is to jump in and save them. Sadly, they will cling to you and drag you down too. Yes, certain seeds might have been sown. You have made him aware of the disorder. You have even shown him my post. The rest has to be up to him. He has already damaged your feelings and any attempts to continue to try to make him see he needs help would hurt you more, as your emotional energies would be spent by trying in vain to make him seek help, Please rescue YOURSELF, and try to reclaim the energy spent on worrying about him. This isn't easily done, I know, and only YOU can decide to do this. You will need to grieve for the good part of him, for the person he might have been if he had not been potentially disordered. You will also need to grieve for the way he MIGHT have treated you had it not been for his life circumstances that led him to being this way. You will also need to grieve for the future you have lost. A therapist can help you in this process.

I must toughen up, I know I must, but the pain of thinking he will continue to hurt people around him potentially for the rest of his life is unbearable. My chest feels constantly tight with anxiety. Whilst I'm busy and preoccupied it's just about bearable, but it's when I go to bed at night, willing for my head to become clear, to not think about anything but happy thoughts, and the first thing in the morning when for a split second you think all is ok, and then you're hit in stomach by the reality of what is going on.

It will be 3 weeks on Friday since this nightmare began. The entire time is a complete and utter blur which is frightening in itself. Amazing what the body and brain do as defence mechanisms.

Who said you "must" toughen up? Who said this? No one. Hun, you're grieving. Your emotions are normal and natural. Yes, they're horrible and unpleasant and very scary, and they remind you of the enormity of what's happened. That moment when you wake up, having temporarily forgotten about the pain, is truly horrible as the pain hits you again and you remember. That feeling can also set the precedent for the day. Hun, this is the time when it's very important to seek the support of friends, family, anyone who can be there for you. This sounds very much like the shock stage of the grieving process. It's very important now for you to treat yourself with gentleness, and kindness, as you feel the full range of emotions, and realise that they're a normal response to an abnormal situation. Only those who have gone through them can truly understand, so this time can feel lonely and isolating as people say things like "Pull yourself together", "Time heals", "Look on the bright side" etc. Yes, time does indeed heal, but this knowledge doesn't take away the way you're feeling now. Somehow, if you can talk and share, and if you can understand what's happening to yourself, you will find the strength needed each day to get through. That is all that is needed for now. In time the feelings will lose their intensity. For now, allow yourself to feel them, and also allow yourself to be kind to yourself. If the emotions become really unbearable, to the point where you feel you can't function at all, then please see your doctor who can help. It sounds as if you are functioning, as you have planned a holiday and you're socialising etc with friends, which is good.

Please let us know how things go hun.

Hi all,

Thought I would give you an update on where I am now.

I returned from my holiday on Sunday - I felt that a week away really helped put things into perspective. Whilst the emotions are still so raw, to have 7 days to absorb all fo the advise I have been given on here and to try and give myself some R&R has helped.

I have been to my doctor, and am hoping to get referred to see a psycotherapist to help me manage my emotions moving forward. At the moment I think I may be suffering from a bit of depression, but am trying to do whatever I can to not let it beat me.

Since I last posted, I have gone NC completely. He is still emailing me, trying every angle to gain a reaction - even wanting to attend my birthday party in a couple of weeks time. He has said that he is seeing a therapist himself, which I genuinely hope is the case but also know that can no longer be my concern.

I have a feeling that he is going to turn up at my house sooner or later - could any HPDs offer me some advise as to how to handle that if he does? He has been given strict instructions not to, but I think in his desperation, it could be a possibility. He is saying that he still has belongings in the house and the garage and needs access to retrieve them - there is nothing left in the house that belongs to him..... is there a possibility he could turn violent? I didn't know whether I should contact purely to re-emphasise that under no circumstances should he come to the house?
I am feeling very edgy when I go home alone these days, and have a feeling he may be following me at times