I've decided to re-engage with my hpd...

I think you all grabbed the subject by the balls and aren't afraid to run with them! That's great. Ya know, I've been wondering if I've just been fooling myself here...I'm not quite sure I know if I'm going back at her because I'm pissed, hurt, or hoping things will change... I am starting to wonder, 'cause I can feel her tugging at me again...The call at 2 am Friday night from her girlfriend's house (true) to say she's horny...then still not gonna see me to the new year.....

Hi Rick
Well at least you realise that there could be more to your reasons for getting back with her/in contact with her. It shows that you have learned some lessons about yourself.
Who does this girl think she is?? Thinking she can pick you up and put you down when she feels like it?
Give her a shock my friend. I know how hard this is if her games are getting into your mind again. We all tend to run on our emotions and its easy to sit here and say use your head.....
Personally, I wouldnt contact her and if she does the I want you but on my time routine, tell her youre busy.
She must have some big opinion of herself to think that you are going to sit around waiting for her. I dont know too much about youre story but it doesnt sound as if she has proved to you that she is worth your care or love. If she truly is HPD or has big issues then a future with someone like that is hard at the best of times.
You sound young and if so, you have youre whole life ahead of you.
If she had shown any signs of wanting to change for the better, or was getting help/could recognise she has problems, and wants to stop hurting people with her selfishness/shallowness, AND MEANT IT - well, that would be a different thing.
Rick, you cant fix her and you cant make her love you or stop her bad behaviours. Only she can do those things. Meantime, you would be the one constantly getting hurt.

Thanks Starz...actually I'm not young, except in heart and spirit! I've always believed in the best in people. Actually I was married to an attorney and have been single for 15 years now. I DO have to laugh, my or "the" hpd decided to get a dog...not just any dog, but an older dog that's been trained so she doesn't have to make too much of a commitment to it for too long of a period of time. I wonder if she'll actually follow thru.... I actually think she might becoming aware of her affliction to some extent. Either that, or she's mirroring what I'm saying...She now claims to have a quiet, at home life. I started laughing when she said that...told her she had the least quiet exisitence of anyone I know! Always out and about...

Pleasebe careful, RCD. It's unlikely she will change hert behavior significantly without serious commitment to psychotherapy and a desire to change. These folks can't just wake up one day and change their behavior ... it is really hard, they need help to do that and they need to be committed to changing. Until that happens, the behaviors won't change and you'll be hurt again. No need for that.

yes, you are probably right...she says she will call before going to bed tonight...it is all just throwing me into a tizzy again. She claims it's my fault we can't communicate...why haven't i had this problem in other relationships, if that's the case????

It's like I said in the other thread, HPDs have communications issues galore because they backpedal habitually from what they say, and have (or claim to have) spotty at best memories about commitments they've made. It's like everything else with an HPD: it's a one-way street. You communicate, they forget. You communicate openly your feelings, they communicate to you what they expect you want to hear. They make commitments to you and then later deny they said them or say they forget the conversation. It's just the way it goes. Nothing to do with you, everything to do with her.

novaseeker wrote:It's like I said in the other thread, HPDs have communications issues galore because they backpedal habitually from what they say, and have (or claim to have) spotty at best memories about commitments they've made. It's like everything else with an HPD: it's a one-way street. You communicate, they forget. You communicate openly your feelings, they communicate to you what they expect you want to hear. They make commitments to you and then later deny they said them or say they forget the conversation. It's just the way it goes. Nothing to do with you, everything to do with her.

So true, so true.

We should create an HPD handbook and this would fall under the section "How to identify an HPD individual."

You know, build on the 8 question/point DMV-IV diagnosis criteria.

It's just all so sad...I feel bad for them too, they can't possibly like themselves...after saying she wasn't going to talk to me everyday she called twice....

The truth is RCD shes just a mess who has no idea what she wants or who she really is.
She seems to be doing the classic reel you back in.
Its the push pull effect.
The more that you stay cool, the more she will contact you. She is probably feeling that she is losing her grip on you, so she needs to keep herself in the front of your mind. She needs you to feel shes important. Not because she loves you, but because her feeling important makes her feel good. Doesnt matter if it messes up your head and life once she backs out again and cant commit.
Thats what this attention thing is all about. Right now shes getting some off you.
She may feel she is losing a source of fix.
Yes its very sad.
Dont be taken in, you cant fix her. Its gonna take a hell of a lot more than love.

rcd1390 wrote:It's just all so sad...I feel bad for them too, they can't possibly like themselves...after saying she wasn't going to talk to me everyday she called twice....

My HPD ex went through cycles of just that: not liking himself, and his behaviors, and the impact of them on his life (that's important ... although he would say otherwise, it wasn't so much that he hurt others, but that hurting others led them away from him and he didn't like that impact) ... but then cycle back to well-established behaviors to get his attention fix.

Yes, it is sad. I do feel sad for my ex. I wish he were different, but he isn't. And I can't change him. And loving him won't change him either ... that was one of the main things I learned in this process. It's a mental illness. It can't be changed by the motivation of love ... it can only be changed by therapy and real commitment to mental and behavioral changes. It's a serious condition, really, and it's not to be trifled with.

I agree that she is reaching out to you to maintain a source of attention for herself, as sad as that sounds. HPDs like to maintain contacts with all of their potential attention sources. They don't really like to lose one of them, although if they need to it isn't a disaster because their feelings are "labile", or shallow, in any case. But they will try not to lose a source of attention if they can, and they will reach out and try to maintain that contact with you, and I suspect that is what is happening here in part. I would venture a guess that she is also flirting/chatting/engaged with other men at the same time ... that's really irrelevant. To her, she would like to keep relations with as many potential sources of attention as she can manage, that's the sad reality of how these people work.