Fads and changes

Something struck me recently. It hadn't occurred to me that it may have been related to HPD. One of the symptoms of the disorder is a tendency to be impressionable and easily influenced by others and outside circumstances.

A thing I've done for all of my life is to reinvent myself from time to time. Yes, lots of women do this when they change their hair or clothing, or revamp their homes, but there is usually a sense of constancy and consistency within themselves. The ways in which I reinvented myself were much more profound. I've moved house more times than I can remember, changed my appearance drastically, changed my tastes in music, furnishings, clothing, friendships, partners etc etc. I've taken up hobbies and pass times in which I've become totally absorbed for months at a time, only to discard them again when I've discovered something else to distract me. I've always been unconventional and actually thought this was because I had a strong sense of identity, but now I'm wondering if the unconventionality and my belief that I didn't care what people thought was actually a type of attention seeking, as being individualistic and unique does tend to bring attention. Could my unconventionality actually have disguised a weak sense of identity, used as a means of denial? I used to call myself a free spirit because of my reinventions and restlessness, but now I'm wondering if they indicated a lack of a deep sense of self and identity.

The behaviours that I thought were just "me" and not a symptom of the disorder, may actually have been pathological.

The new me that is emerging is much more stable, but as I've said before, it's like wearing a coat that I'm not used to. I wonder if I also need to mourn the old me, who I became so familiar with, in order to adjust to the person I have become today.

I used to be terrified of being seen as conventional, "normal", and valued my uniqueness. I can now see that it was a phoney uniqueness, because it was a construct. I'll always have the Dramatic Type personality, and am proud of this, but as the old pathological patterns have died, so has the level of flair and drama and I'm becoming more conventional. This isn't actually a bad thing, because I'm learning to value myself just as I am, without needing external validation or external props used to project a false persona.

Can any HPDs identify or have any nons observed this type of behaviour in the HPDs they've known?

As far as changing things around a ton, I can definitely relate. Every time I find something new I become obsessed with it for a while, until I get distracted by something new. I don't mind it except for it never provides me with the chance to excel at much.

I've accepted that nothing will stay interesting to me forever, and now I just stick to what will hold my interest while still trying stuff out.

Masquerade - I rarely post but just had to when I read this. Yes, Yes, Yes absolutely YES I saw this very thing in my ex. It's one of the things I found so attractive about him to be honest. He knew a little about a lot. He performed "magic," he knew bar flair, he could draw, he had perfect penmanship, he knew about music, composers, artists, fluent in two languages but knew bits and phrases from several, etc. But he also discarded things, animals, and people routinely. He moved a lot. He never held employment very long. He had an explosive temper. He was secretive, a cheater, and a liar.

In one of our last conversations, I bluntly told him he transformed himself into different people depending on his audience. He agreed. That's the same conversation he told me he was a master manipulator and cheated on everyone. I shouldn't take it personally.

While I do see some self-awareness of his issues, he's nowhere near your level. I doubt he will ever seek treatment. He moved to another state about 1.5 years ago and, from what I gather when he contacts me, he has been on a constant downward spiral. That makes me sad.

Keep going, Masquerade. I so admire and respect you. I am on a similar journey as you ("non" style) and it gives me motivation when I see your progress.

Mavet wrote:As far as changing things around a ton, I can definitely relate. Every time I find something new I become obsessed with it for a while, until I get distracted by something new. I don't mind it except for it never provides me with the chance to excel at much.

I've accepted that nothing will stay interesting to me forever, and now I just stick to what will hold my interest while still trying stuff out.

Seems most applicable to relationships as well.

@masquerade:

Is it a coincidence or are you noticing this now because of this earlier topic?

Do you guys do this with people too? Like someone is your favorite person in the world for a while...

I have sort of a mini-crush that I can't act on but I'm sure it's just me happy that someone new talks to me. lol

For some people I may seem stable and even consistent, but that's only because the changes happen so fast that there's not enough time for them to materialize. Pretty much why I've never been in a relationship, I guess.

I did try to dye my hair red once, though... But it didn't work. I didn't know I had to bleach it first

I may try it again sometime.

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Sure. What seems to be the problem?

Talk by PM guys, okay?

Another thing I still do is to move the furniture around in my home. It's very bohemian and I own a lot of ornaments and my own paintings, which I rotate, changing them from room to room, and completely changing the look of my home without actually needing to decorate. I really enjoy doing this and find it very therapeutic. My home, if you like that kind of decor, is quite striking and full of little things I've acquired over the years. It's the nearest I come to sentimentality, as my past is so fragmented.

My taste in my home is the one thing that has remained constant over the years. However, whilst still keeping the bohemian/hippy/ethnic theme in my home constant, the way it is arranged and furnished changes constantly. I have also moved home more times than I care to remember. I now rent because it's easier to move.

The moving of furniture stops my home feeling stagnant. I feel quite stagnant if things remain the same for too long. I had never connected this to my HPD before, and it's a part of me that I'm quite happy to keep as long as it isn't pathological. Realising why I'm like this is healthy as it increases my self awareness.

I wonder if it's connected to a lack of Object Constancy and is manifesting in a literal sense? As people, our actions are very metaphorical and symbolic. As you know I love Jung, and this would comply with his theories about metaphors and arechetypes. I think my home has always been a metaphor or archetype of my need for constant change. Wow! I have only just realised that!! Knowing the reasons for things can be very enabling.

HPDs and schizoids seem to be polar opposites, and this is also reflected in the HPDs need for constant variety and the schizoid's resistance to change and their need for routine.