Histrionics and sex (for Nons)

I think my ex-gf was Histrionic, but I am not sure. Do Histrionics usually get intense in the beginning of the relationship sexually and then get bored real quickly and the sex just dies off after a few months? She blamed it on meds, but I mean, the sex was dead for a long time or she was just doing it to please me. I never had sexual issues with other women. That was the issue, among others, that ended my relationship with her.

I have been on several first and second dates with women, but she was quite different. On the first date, she was holding my hand and on the second we got sexual. She made me think I was really special because no other girl treated me like that in the beginning, but then I came to find out she was the same with with some other guys right before me. She was in two open relationships that she ended after we became exclusive. Before that, she was falling for guys, left and right for years, and most of these relationships wouldn't last. The lengthy ones were with emotionally unavailable men she felt she had to "catch". I found out she has a very, very lengthy, "guys I have dated" list and she still keeps some of them as friends on facebook.

Before all the nons commiserate with you.....

Do Histrionics usually get intense in the beginning of the relationship sexually and then get bored real quickly and the sex just dies off after a few months?

Not to generalize.........but yes. Pretty much. We aren't having sex with you.......we are having sex AT you. Think of it like a stage show, you're participating....but really, you're the audience.

I never had sexual issues with other women

Well, then don't beat yourself up about it.

I've never not had sex issues with other women.

On the first date, she was holding my hand

Yup. Love at first sight.........don't take it personally, it was an act. Or if you'd like, it was authentic...but its authenticity is not a lasting one. And if it is, it comes from a dark sad place......(like trying to woo some unloving creature such as ourselves)

She made me think I was really special

Yes, that's usually how we do it.


If people ever learned they could feel special without us........(by making themselves feel special) our act wouldn't work so good.

She was in two open relationships that she ended after we became exclusive

I can see, you may be a bit naive. Perhaps she's a romantic.......i mean, there's always a chance.

The lengthy ones were with emotionally unavailable men she felt she had to "catch".

I prefered emotionally unavailable women.........but an emotionally unavailable man will do, if he's cute enough.

I found out she has a very, very lengthy, "guys I have dated" list and she still keeps some of them as friends on facebook.

Sorry the quote thing seems to be messing up. Hope this is spaced correctly......

Anyways,


Yeah.....we generally use people to make ourselves feel good. We do this, cause we feel unattractive and unwanted.Think "emotional vampire" and the rest should make sense.....

No sense getting rid of all our victims......never know when you'll want a snack.

never know when you'll want a snack

Always. We're always hungry.

Twisted makes very good points. The only points I'd add are -

1.) Yes some meds can dramatically reduce libido.

2.) Sex does tend to cool off in long term relationships, though the rate varies from couple to couple, person to person. That's why there are all those 'how to rekindle your sex life' books, seminars, etc. Seems a lot of couples go through the cool down, at some point one of them is wondering where the chemistry went. Still there is more to life than sex, or can be. How do you two get along otherwise?

3.) If it seems that she shutdown rapidly before taking any meds, I'd also be wondering what's up? There are endless reasons why a sudden shutdown could have occurred.

Nothing I wrote above applies specifically to histrionic personality types though.

Marcus20950 wrote:I think my ex-gf was Histrionic, but I am not sure. Do Histrionics usually get intense in the beginning of the relationship sexually and then get bored real quickly and the sex just dies off after a few months? She blamed it on meds, but I mean, the sex was dead for a long time or she was just doing it to please me. I never had sexual issues with other women. That was the issue, among others, that ended my relationship with her.

I have been on several first and second dates with women, but she was quite different. On the first date, she was holding my hand and on the second we got sexual. She made me think I was really special because no other girl treated me like that in the beginning, but then I came to find out she was the same with with some other guys right before me. She was in two open relationships that she ended after we became exclusive. Before that, she was falling for guys, left and right for years, and most of these relationships wouldn't last. The lengthy ones were with emotionally unavailable men she felt she had to "catch". I found out she has a very, very lengthy, "guys I have dated" list and she still keeps some of them as friends on facebook.

(you might want to edit the title of your thread to add "(Non thread)". This warns HPD's that the topic might not be pleasant.. Having been warned, the reader can't complain if they're offended by the content.)

Ditto on the points made by dude and twisted. The intense sexuality that dies off quickly and soon is pretty characteristic of a histrionic. What's going on is that the thrill of the "catch" is over for the HPD. Because she's got the supply firmly in hand.... His attention and affection is no longer valuable to her. She can't be satisfied with one person, so the sex is going to someone else who's now her "soulmate" The HPD loses the ability to "fake" interest in sex for the supply's sake due to the hyperactive sexuality she's now engaging in with someone else.... Because HPD is about self-validation through external means.. interaction with a supply that is no longer new.... probably feels "Cheap". But because of the HPD's need to avoid dealing with reality... She WON'T acknowledge herself as cheap.. but will employ devaluation and other manipulations to make anything negative she's going through "your fault".

It's true that some meds can kill libido, but... you said that the sex had died before then. This kinda proves that the gal was making excuses. The condition that the meds are meant to correct COULD cause lowered sex drive... but in such cases it's VERY unlikely that the effect would be a sudden loss of interest... The question of whether or not she's HPD is problematic without a certified psychiatrist.. You'll get MANY Hpd's here which will get agitated at hearing the negatives of their condition and use that fact as a bludgeon to try and invalidate a non's input... but the 2nd paragraph of your post here describes perfectly a Histrionic's pattern of what's called a "fanclub"... and retention of "ex" supplies. Twisted was being both spot on and a little unfair when he mentioned being a little Naiive about your ex. The naiivity comes in because those familiar with HPD see the signs clearly in your post... But a little unfair because it's hard for the uninformed Non to reconcile the behavior with the person we're convinced we know.

But a little unfair because it's hard for the uninformed Non to reconcile the behavior with the person we're convinced we know

True enough. I felt somewhat badly about writing that.......but i think, i meant it to SHOCK the OP into reality.
A lot of our charm is the idea that we cared so deeply.........its needed to be known that it is an act. Otherwise, the body will remember the good feelings.......kind of like tasty poison. You need to be aware, its poison.


That sense of connection or understanding or desire..........the way we made you feel wanted.......any hope of getting that back, is very counterproductive. And i think most people come here, with that hope in mind. "maybe" "if"


Its important to realise what psychos we really are.

As painful as this is to read, it's also enlightening. I just still can't see my ex who wasn't an "HPD" but possibly had hpd as a manipulative controller. I mean I can, but at the same time I can't believe there wasn't real love there.

Maybe it's just because I have borderline personality disorder. I guess pushing her away would giver her a continuous challenge to gain my affection? I'd like to hear what Twistedmister might have to say about that. Is it possible that she got stuck in the initial phase of trying to gain my attention and attraction that we got stuck in the first phases of what a pwHPD goes through?

Is the pwHPD really consciously acting or do they actually believe that it's love too? I mean they aren't maliciously going about and consciously pretending to fall in love?

You asked "Is the pwHPD really consciously acting or do they actually believe that it's love too? I mean they aren't maliciously going about and consciously pretending to fall in love?"

HPDs tend to believe relationships are more intimate than they really are. In my own case, I truly believed I loved these people at the beginning, but I was in love with an ideal and not the real person, who of course I didn't really know. In many cases, it's done without premeditated malice.

Perseveratia wrote:As painful as this is to read, it's also enlightening. I just still can't see my ex who wasn't an "HPD" but possibly had hpd as a manipulative controller. I mean I can, but at the same time I can't believe there wasn't real love there.

Maybe it's just because I have borderline personality disorder. I guess pushing her away would giver her a continuous challenge to gain my affection? I'd like to hear what Twistedmister might have to say about that. Is it possible that she got stuck in the initial phase of trying to gain my attention and attraction that we got stuck in the first phases of what a pwHPD goes through?

Is the pwHPD really consciously acting or do they actually believe that it's love too? I mean they aren't maliciously going about and consciously pretending to fall in love?

There's going to be some objection to my opinion but the answer to your questions is: No, they don't believe it's love... and Yes, they DO consciously pretend to fall in love. The malice doesn't always come in untill after the thrill of "the catch" is done and they're bored with you. It's hard for Nons to understand because we don't understand the external nature of the HPD mentality. They don't love the person, but rather the validation that person gives them. Gaining the person's love is a "victory"... Losing the person is a "loss"... Therefore they'll do whatever it takes to "catch" (and keep) the person. The "thrill" like I said only lasts for a short time for them. When they're bored with us as a supply, the malice starts.. and they find other men. From what you said about pushing her away.. it's likely that you got the full force of her attention. Being emotionally unavailable makes their victory all the more sweet.
One other thing about HPD's is that they have a defensive need to deny and suppress that which they find unacceptable. Because playing with someone's emotions like they do is so painful and despicable... there's a VERY strong need for them to find ways to deny, mitigate, or twist the reality of what they do... With respect to the poster.. the "assuming more intimacy in the relationship" is an example of 'twisting'. The assumption of intimacy is a method of accelerating the game they play. Because there's so much ego involved with the HPD... there's a vested interest in declaring "victory" as soon as possible. I'd bet that this appeared to you as a very deep and natural connection with your ex.

I know it's hard to accept. It's why so many of us Nons keep going back to our ex hpd's despite serious emotional damage... But recognizing them for what they are early is key.

Twistedmister wrote:

But a little unfair because it's hard for the uninformed Non to reconcile the behavior with the person we're convinced we know

True enough. I felt somewhat badly about writing that.......but i think, i meant it to SHOCK the OP into reality.
A lot of our charm is the idea that we cared so deeply.........its needed to be known that it is an act. Otherwise, the body will remember the good feelings.......kind of like tasty poison. You need to be aware, its poison.


That sense of connection or understanding or desire..........the way we made you feel wanted.......any hope of getting that back, is very counterproductive. And i think most people come here, with that hope in mind. "maybe" "if"


Its important to realise what psychos we really are.

LoL No worries Twisted. Unfair isn't the same as "untrue". We become very familiar and aware here in the forum so it's easy to forget how counterintuitive HPD behavior is to the Non.

ghost5of7 wrote:I know it's hard to accept. It's why so many of us Nons keep going back to our ex hpd's despite serious emotional damage... But recognizing them for what they are early is key.

(pained sigh) Yeah it really is hard to accept, trying to make yourself realize that something you felt was so very real, that is wasn't true. It's like trying to convince someone that the son's not real, AS they're staring at it!

It's also hard thinking that what felt like the best relationship you've ever had, flawed though it may have been, isn't something that you're going to be able to find again. I don't mean with that person, but I don't know if any other relationship will ever be able to hold a candle to that one. They may be more sane, but they may never be as intense or as deep.